40licious Style: Shopping and Organizing Your Closet

This is our second post from an interview with Audrey Beaulac, who tells us things we probably already knew, but couldn't put into words.

Audrey Beaulac is very 40licious

Style strategist Audrey Beaulac wants you to throw out anything you don’t love, doesn’t make you feel good, or is no longer working for you. Especially your fat clothes.

“Like a big handbag, big sweatpants will fill up. When your normal clothes start feeling tight, that’s the warning for you to cut back,” she says.

But perhaps none of your clothes fit that well anymore. “You have to be realistic about who you are,” she says, and your 40s is a really important time to define your style. “A lot of clothes in your closet come with a story. You should only have good stories in your closet. Get rid of the self-recrimination in your closet.”

Assessing takes a while. Leave some space to thoroughly go over what you can let go from your closet, and to understand what is still working well. “It’s OK to like what you like,” Beaulac says.

What if you’re still not sure if something is a tosser? “Get your picture taken in it,” Beaulac says, “then get ready to work. Instead of condemning yourself, get ready for some feedback. When you do it on film. You don’t have the same projection cycle as you do in the mirror.”

The trick to keep in mind is to play up your assets and make sure the clothes you keep are highlighting the good stuff you’ve got. If you focus on something you don’t like about your body, say a poochy belly or wide hips, chances are you’ll subconsciously draw attention to them in your clothing. And no matter who you are and how you look, a little advice from Mom goes a long way: keep your posture long and straight, and keep your voice strong but soft.

Jared! Throw out your fat pants!

For building your improved wardrobe, Beaulac suggests starting with the basics: your underwear. As your body changes, chances are your bra size will too, and you most likely are due for a bra fitting. “Be realistic,” she says. She suggests Nordstrom or Linda the Bra Lady. “Look for silhouettes that make you feel good about yourself.

The rear view is equally important – there should be no pantylines. “Spanx are great, but remember, anywhere you squish in, it’s going to come out somewhere else,” Beaulac says.

When you’re ready to move forward with your wardrobe, don’t pay attention to size – fit is what matters. If you’re ordering online, measure yourself and match that to the site’s size chart. And don’t get too attached to the product until it arrives and it works. “Internet ordering is getting better and better about returns,” she says, calling out Amazon.com, Zappos and Boutiques.com as good examples of pleasant and efficient shopping experiences.

She offers this caveat, however: “If you’re looking around and there are boxes all over the place and the clothes are not making you feel very good about yourself, you need to reassess.”

Feeling forlorn about how to conquer all this? Arrange a clothing swap, aka “Naked Lady Party” with your girlfriends. It’s the perfect excuse to take a harsh edit of your closet, takes some risks with new looks, and get honest advice from people who care. Best of all, it doesn’t cost a dime and you can donate all the leftovers to charity.

NEXT UP IN 40LICIOUS STYLE: FINISHING TOUCHES

40licious Work: Why Aren't We at the Table?

Great takeaways from Facebook Chief Operating Officer's Sheryl Sandberg's TED talk on why women hold only a fraction of leadership positions men do. Sit down with a crisp chenin blanc, an earthy cabernet, steaming mug of cocoa or your morning tea and listen to this 15 minutes of truly inspired insight:

1. Sit at the table.

• 7 percent of women negotiate salary for their first job. 57 percent of men do.
• Women regularly underestimate their abilities, while men tend to overestimate.
• Success and likability are proportionate for men, but disproportionate for women.

2. Make your partner a real partner.
Dude should be participating in child rearing and homemaking as much as you are.

3. Don't leave before you leave.
Women regularly tend to take themselves out of the running by sitting back at work in preparation for having children. Be in the game, until it's time to get out. As we know, child-having can take a very long time.

She is 40licious. I love her.

40licious Body: Infertility Articles Omit Adoption Information

I'm glad we're all paying attention to the plight of women in their 40s who grew up believing they can have it all, then suddenly realized it might be more difficult than they thought.

This article in The Faster Times, for example, does a great job how the pill blessed and damned a generation of women. And this one, in the LA Times, about women delaying pregnancy until the economy improves. What disappoints me is that these and so many other stories like this neglect to address the other ways to build a family. Adoption, fostering, surrogate parenting are common, just not talked about in the same breath as infertility.

Here's to giving women hope that they really can have it all -- it just might not look like they thought it would.

40licious Style: Dressing the Part

From Tahari

There is a lot to love about style strategist Audrey Beaulac. First, there’s her career trajectory – she’s been on staff at Yale School of Drama costuming department, and has directed the look of a $700 million Hyatt resort in Hawaii, from desk to top-ranking staff. She’s been trusted by politicians, executives and other VIPs to help define their look and “visual signature.” But the main reasons I love Audrey, whom I met nearly a decade ago in Seattle, is because she is so smart and funny and warm. She’s the kind of person who tells you straight up how it is, in the nicest way possible. The knowledge she imparted to me back in the day of an eclectic closet and uncertain personal style have served me well to this day.

Today, she divides her time between Washington, DC and Seattle and is the go-to style reference for authors such as Charla Krupp, Danielle LaPorte and Laura Leist.

I interviewed her about what people – especially women – need to consider as they navigate their 40s. We got so much that we ended up with what will be a series of postings on 40licious Style.

Today: Dressing the Part: How Women in Their 40s Claim Authority

Women in their 40s are a powerful force, style strategist Audrey Beaulac says. We are credited with 25 percent of all the billions of dollars spent on fashion each year, she says, adding that, “We’re a little bit smarter, older, more thoughtful in our choices. We’re producers. We can produce a lot.”

That’s why it’s important for women to present themselves with the authority they’ve earned – while not aging themselves.

Melanie Griffith is current -- for 1988

Consider the 40-something woman in your office who is competent and smart – and disastrously frumpy, with the 1980’s shoulder pads, matching matronly skirt, and flats that have seen a tad too many shuffles to the conference room.  Come on, you know this woman. You might even be this woman.

Dowdy dressing, says Beaulac, “is a hangover from how we came up in the business world. Being dumpy isn’t taken more seriously than being in a skirt that’s too short.”

She advises women to ditch the pants that are too high-waisted, collars that are too tight or too high, pleated denim skirts and the A-lines, and focus, instead, on staying current. “Being current doesn’t mean being trendy. It’s going forward.”

“Part of that frumpy business look also comes from not being well groomed,” Beaulac says. No-no’s include:

• A haircut that is no longer working
• Bad hair color: color too flat, wrong hue, or not keeping up with highlights
• Makeup that’s been the same for two years or more
• Neglected manicure

She says that if women in their 40s are still doing the “grab and go” lifestyle – throwing on whatever clothes don’t smell bad and leaving home with wet hair, they’ll be fighting an uphill battle. “In order to be taken seriously, you have to be put together… How you dress is the introduction to the story of who you are.”

            Beaulac recommends dressing in columns, in neutrals, and with no high-contrast transitions. “When you’re presenting in a power position, don’t cut your body in two. Pay attention to your face; it’s your communication center. That might mean lighter on top, and wearing necklaces. Bring your focus up.”

So the beige twinset with the black pants and beige shoes may seem completely inoffensive, but the result is choppy, and drawing attention wherever the sweater ends. Better: Pair the black pants with a darker top or jacket and dark shoes, to elongate the look. “The more vertical your appearance, the slimmer you’ll feel.”

The other thing to keep in mind for daring fashionistas who like to radically change their looks: “If you are not creating a consistent impression, people can’t get a handle on you. They won’t trust you.”

Beaulac suggests we take a tip from those in the public eye: “The biggest secret of the A-list people is the strategic use of style to tell the world that they know who they are.  They wear the clothes; the clothes don’t wear them. Those who either rely too much on outsiders or choose blindly end up with bad haircuts, lots of unused make-up and clothes that don’t work even though they should.  Instinct is the wisdom; reasoned analysis implements the wisdom consistently.” 

Coming up next: SHOPPING FOR AND ORGANIZING YOUR 40LICIOUS WARDROBE

Undecided

I am all in love these days with the mother-daughter team of Barbara and Shannon Kelly, who have a blog and forthcoming book called "Undecided." It's about "analysis paralysis, grass is greener syndrome, longing for the road not traveled: How the success of the women’s movement has left us stumped in the face of limitless options — and how to get over it."

When I met Shannon at a writer party, I felt like she'd put into words all the things I'd been feeling but couldn't quite grasp in language. If I could have it all -- marriage, children, career -- why wasn't I doing any of it very well? It has taken me this long, well into my 40licious, to get around to the marriage part, and hopefully soon, the child. I will spare you the long psychological navel gazing at this point. Let me just say that they are right on and always tackle something of interest to women of a certain generation.

Anyway. Go over there and read yourself some Kelly women.

Adoption Support Group

Our profile

Each month, Steve and I try to make it to the adoption support group our agency runs for adoptive parents, children, birth moms, and people like us, people who are waiting.

We took the long drive down to Orange County last night to connect with those I am beginning to consider "our people." It was an unusually joyous time, so many stories about successful matches. A newborn boy had found a home. Or friends Uma and James introduced us to their exquisite Kailash, 3 months old. One family was matched even before they were done with their homestudy -- a fortunate match perhaps aided by the fact that the couple was from the same country as the birthparents.

As the director reported all the successes, a tiny part of me (ok, bigger than tiny) wondered when it will be our turn. And what else can we be doing. Is the font OK on our profile that goes to birthmoms? Do we need better pictures? What subtle differences keep us in, or out, of the running? Think about watching other people get picked for the kickball team, but thousands of times more important.

But before I wallow in a crisis of confidence, before I go into the mindspin of "it will never happen," I remind myself of something I just know: when it is right, our child will come. As it had for so many before us.

Some New Year's Thoughts for You

My grandmother Grace McGrady painted this, looking out her second-story window onto Central Park West at 85th Street.

The flight from last year wasn't nearly as desperate, it seems, as years before. Around here, 2010 was full of goodness and beauty. I married the best man I have ever met, and gained a beautiful new family as a happy byproduct. A Chihuahua puppy we named Cinco found us and made us his pack. Lucy the beagly mutt got older and deafer and a little more daft, but she gained a new kind of sweetness and prompts extra compassion from us. We met neighbors who quickly became like extended family, with the bonus that there is a lot of good food cooking over there all the time. I kept an excellent job and played nicely with others. There were no tragic losses of the immediate and personal ilk. I watched life unfold -- very much wanted babies for two 40licious women I love, two Christmastime engagements (in one of them, I'm getting a daughter-in-law!), Natalie's wedding, Lisa and Kathlyn and Joanna back at school to make the world a better place for all of us. I reconnected with Liza, the daughter of my mother's best friend in the 1970s, my friend as a child. As we compared our common childhood horrors and the sometimes baffling family dynamics of girls growing up at a very particular time in New York City, I felt a puzzle piece snap into place. I will never, ever let her go.

Here is what I hope for you (and truth be told, me) in 2011:

1. You are temporarily disabled by something so hilarious that you cannot do anything but laugh and laugh and try to catch your breath.
2.  You get enough physical exercise on a daily basis. People who don't move get old, really quickly. For old people who move, extra blessings to you. Also, exercise makes people nicer.
3. That you spend several nights or more on the couch with people and possibly pets you love, watching films that move you or entertain you to a profound degree.
4. That you make something beautiful, even if is only for yourself.
5. That some kind of little miracle happens for you, just when you need it the most.

Happy New Year.

Love,

Vanessa

PS -- Some great resolutions, in case you're looking for some ideas to make yourself a better version of who you are, are over at Undecided. I absolutely love those women.