Affairs nobody wants to talk about are the most important

My dad's 2003 death left a wake of confusion and conflict that went beyond the great loss of one of the universe's shining stars. 

Dad didn't mean for it to go like that. A few years before, he'd had a will hastily drawn up on his way to the airport before traveling to Europe for a medical procedure, and never bothered to update it or have it thoroughly checked out when he returned.

Elizabeth McGrady

Organizing Dad's wake was a no-brainer: Bring all the food and booze from his house to the Community Center in Lilliwaup, Wash., (which serves as our family hub in times of celebration and mourning) and hire some guy to wail on the bagpipes. Tell some stories. After that, we just didn't know how to "do" death. We'd all had different interpretations of what the will actually meant, and what Dad would have wanted. I'm ashamed to say that even though he'd tried to talk to me about "when the time comes," I wasn't brave enough to have the conversation.  

I think about the fragility of life a lot. But I was sparked into action to organize my own end-of-life affairs after a visit to my excellent cousin Elizabeth McGrady, who runs a company called Angel Files out of Portland, Maine. She helps people organize all their personal and household information and "death wishes," if you will, in case of an accident or worse.

Here are some thoughts from Elizabeth about making the plans nobody ever wants to see come through. 

1. Wait, you mean our affairs don't magically take care of themselves when we die? What's the most important thing someone our age needs to know about how to plan for the end of their lives?

By having your memorial plans written down, you can release thoughts of the unknown and replace this with a sense of empowerment that your final chapter in life has been drafted. This can be one of the kindest things you can do for your family and friends. This way, they are not making big decisions during their time of grieving, but honoring your wishes.  

2. In your work creating Angel Files, what's the most common misperception people have about organizing their lives so that others can close up their affairs?

If people have their financial affairs in order they believe they are "all set."  I believe to leave a meaningful legacy behind is important, such as the story of your life and your experiences. Also,  the story of your home and its possessions.  People don't have the time to have items assessed so valuables can go to Goodwill and lawn sales. If there is a story of an heirloom, let people know what is it so they can know why it's important -- either sentimental value, monetary value, or both.

3. Talk to us about funeral homes. Essential services or ripoffs?

 I have enjoyed interviewing funeral homes, they are very willing to share information.  They are trained, educated and looked after by the FTC.  It is like any business in that it is up to you to be a savvy consumer.  In an emotional state you can add all kinds of things that raise the price.  They take great care of having the bodies treated with respect and dignity.  In some states you do not have to use a funeral home, but realize that there is paperwork that has to be exact in order for everything to be done on your own. It is wise to research the crematory process or the burial process if you wish to do it yourself. Then if you do choose a funeral home you will know exactly what they have done for you.

4. When you're in your 40s, it's so complicated, there are ex-spouses, new spouses, stepkids, maybe even grandkids. What's the best way to organize your affairs so people don't feel left out or cheated? Should you decide who gets Grandma's ring before you die, or just let them duke it out?

It would be helpful to have a draft of who you would like to be beneficiaries and list them by what percentage you would like each individual or charity to receive.  If you have possessions, such as Grandma's ring, it might be worth it to open up a conversation with your family and ask them which five items would they like to receive from you if they had a wish list. It would give you an idea as to what exactly people would wish for instead of assigning items. 

5. Anything else people should know?

Memorial services and funerals can cost half as much as a wedding. A wedding takes many hours to plan, as does a tribute done well to honor someone's life. It is a process and most of it can be enjoyable but the work involved shouldn't be underestimated.  I know people pull it together in a few days or a week, but do you want this frenzy of activity to be planned when people are grieving? I have amassed a checklist and it has more than 130 items on it. After death there are still about 30 items to be done such as: Sending out the death notice to newspapers, contacting people, details of the service, photos organized, music chosen, body choices, a lot of paperwork to be done and many, many minute tasks.  An organized plan would be so appreciated by your loved ones and you can know your end of life tribute will be authentic if you take the time in planning this.

Spirit: Forms of Forgiveness

This tree in Duekmejian Park is called the McFall Oak. During the Station Fire a couple years ago, firefighters surrounded it while everything else burned. Now the rest of the park has forgiven the fire, and it is moving along with its life. 

We live in uncertain times. By "we," I mean we as a world, a nation, a bunch of Southern Californians, but I also mean "we" as the McGrady/Spiller household, our family. Among our major decisions these days: how do we remedy our poor choice in Ikea entertainment centers; should we move to a bigger place; and which is the best sippy cup for 1-year-old Grace. We are on type no. 4 or 5 now.

 I keep dropping things.

Today at the Armenian market I spilled some limes and an eggplant. And also, at the pharmacy while I was waiting in line holding Gracie and trying to unblock the straw from aforementioned sippy cup no. 4 or 5, the stroller tipped over backward. And then I dropped the cup. And then the baby slid out of my arms and onto the floor. She was still and quiet for a second and then wailed, turning kind of pink. I picked her up right away and bounced her and cooed to her, saying "sorry, sorry, sorry" softly in her ear.

 I'd let the woman behind me in line step in front, and she said, "no mama, you'd better go." I was moved and teary by her simple kindness, the kind you expect from friends but is so rewarding when it comes from a stranger.

Gracie stopped crying a moment later and threw her little arms around my neck, and hugged me tight, and babbled on about her day as she peeked curiously at someone (who surely has eight cats at home) reading a magazine with a magnifying glass sitting next to us.

Tonight I am thinking about forgiveness and all its forms. And how forgiveness separates us as a species from something like reptiles, or Ikea furniture. And that I will work harder to forgive strangers and the people I love.

Spirit: 10 Useful Things to Know in Your 40s

Each year, Kathlyn makes a German chocolate cake for me, last year's is shown above. She could stab me in the eye with a crochet hook and I would still love her for remembering the cake every year. Oh, and the bubbles? That was a byproduct of getting engaged.

Today is my 43rd birthday. I am 40licious for the fourth time, which is of course a thrill. I started this blog in 2008 on my first 40licious birthday because I was so excited about the milestone. I love how the blog has evolved, from navel-gazing essays on the things that I learned to talking with wise people in an effort to provide a field guide to those of us who want to navigate our 40licious time together. Here are some thing I have learned and would share with any sister turning 40 or who is in her 40s:

1. Your relationships will be more complicated. If you are single and think you can have a partner without getting someone without baggage at this point you are way, way way off and will have a long lonely time of it. Prepare for step-kids, ex-spouses who may be insane or completely delightful, and in general, a crazy-quilt family. It will never, ever be what you expect, but it might be much better.
2. Figure out your money right this second. When you are done reading, sharing, liking and commenting on this page, understand how much you really have, how much you owe, what you need to live on, where you can cut spending, and how much you need for retirement and how you will get there. You can't keep putting it off -- just sock away $20 a week if that is all you can swing.
3. Cut out the clutter. You've accumulated a lot of stuff at this point. What do you really need? Are you hanging on to books, clothes, souveneirs, pictures, knicknacks, etc. only because you have always kept them? What can you digitize? What can you just keep in your heart without a physical manifestation? 
4. Tell everyone you love that you love them. Who knows, they could be gone in a nanosecond. Or you could. Fix your petty crap with your family and friends because it is not the way you want to leave it. If God forbid something happens, hopefully the last time you saw your mother you were not super pissy about how she didn't like the Christmas present you had made especially for her and vowed never to get her anything nice again. Which reminds me, I have to call my mother.
5. Slay your energy vampires. Of course we are not talking about physical harm, but who are the people who drain your energy? If you say your family and that's different, guess what, it's not. You don't have to 86 them, but give them less of yourself. Give more of yourself to what gives you life and makes you feel like you're new. On your death bed, you don't want to be wishing you had put up with more BS because you feared the guilt. That is your own mental construct -- you can choose to feel guilt or not.
6. Take care of yourself. This is kind of an obvious one but put a premium on the time and money it takes to pull yourself together. If it means getting up early to go to yoga or skipping your lunch hour to go to the gym, do it. If it means getting a facial instead of new jeans, do it. If it means ordering water instead of wine like everyone else is having, do it. As our 50licious friends tell us, there is pretty much no turning back at this point. Work it, ladies.
7. Decide to be lovely. You have choices for every word and every interaction in your life. You can chirp "good morning" to your cube mate in your office and comment on her attractive sweater. Or you can just grumble your usual "mrrrnng" and get to work. Why not make the day a tiny bit better than you found it? Same for dealing with customer service reps, taxi drivers, waitresses and your manicurist.
8. Make better decisions. Don't make any major decision without fully strategizing first. If you decide you want to give up your soul-sucking corporate gig to fulfill your dream of being an interior designer, don't go off the deep end until you completely understand what that means, what you have to do to get there, and the training and money required. Same goes for moving in with someone (seriously, do you really want to divide up the CD collection AGAIN?), buying a car that you haven't researched, getting any body alterations done, adopting a pet, and removing a wall from your house. I'm not saying DON'T make big decisions, I'm just saying if you think them through all the way you'll be way less likely to regret them, and you'll have a better handle on how to make them happen.
9. Take care of your world. Making the earth a cleaner and healthier place to live is a daunting task. For example, you might not think that buying a bottle of water is a big deal. But there's ramifications to everyone thinking that. Even if you think you're mitigating the implications by recycling your bottle when you are done, guess what? Less than half of plastic we use is recycled, but about half the plastic that we do recycle gets sent to China so they can burn it as fuel for power plants. It's not about saving the planet, it's about saving the people who live here.
10. Be in the world, in this minute, in this second. This one is a tough one for me as I'm learning exactly how disorganized I am and that I start many things at once, which makes it harder to finish, if I finish at all. This includes opening and sorting mail, which ends up in a pile on my desk; trying to make phone calls while I'm walking the dogs; and working on the things that are most important to me, such as the 40licious book. When you are in the moment, your food tastes better, your loved ones feel like you're truly listening, and you won't lose the car keys.

40licious Money: What to Do After You Get Fired

I've been fired a bunch of times. There was the waitress gig when I'd taken New Year's Eve off months in advance to attend a friend's wedding, then was given the choice to work it or get fired. And then there was the "misunderstanding" about my after-hours responsibilities in Vegas when I accompanied my boss to a convention. And even in those crappy situations where the firing was actually a blessing (hello, unemployment check!) I was completely demoralized and I thought I'd never get my mojo back. Today's post comes from guest author John P. Strelecky, author of The Why Cafe, a book about finding your purpose in life. He writes today about how to relaunch your career after getting fired. Which is never, ever fun. Especially if you are 40licious.

You might have seen it coming or it might have been a big surprise, but the truth remains - losing your job wasn’t your choice. What happens next, is.

Author John P. Strelecky finds the blessing in the disappointment.

Finding your dream job is possible at any age. If you’re forty or older, you actually have a major advantage. With all you've learned and the experiences you've had, you are ready more than ever to make your mark in the world.

Why It’s Not So Bad
A recent study found that only 45 percent of Americans are satisfied with their current job. That was the lowest level ever recorded by the Conference Board research group in more than 22 years of studying the issue. It might explain why so many people are collecting unemployment. It’s not that the jobs aren’t out there; it’s that some people would rather get paid for doing nothing, than do something they hate.

What Now?
Regardless of your age, you can get back in the game and make being fired the best thing that ever happened to you. Here’s how:

• Do something you love. Most people don’t realize they can get paid to be immersed in what they like doing. And that is the case whether you want to work in sales, customer service, accounting, marketing or any other position.
• Find ways to give samples of the value you can bring to the place or industry in which you want to work. Volunteer, write articles on the topic, or blog about it. If you give enough value, someone will give back to you in the form of a job offer.
• Filling out an application or sending a resume isn’t enough anymore. If you’re applying for a $60,000 per year job, you have to be bringing at least $60,001 in great ideas and results to the table. Obviously, it should be a whole bunch more than just that one dollar.
• If you weren’t satisfied with the type of work you were doing previously, taking a job in the same field isn’t going to fulfill you now - or in the future! Use this down time to volunteer, backpack around the world, read books on topics that interest you. Do whatever you can so that when you choose your next job, you are fired up to be there every day.

Only You Can Make It Happen
Until now, you didn't have the life experience to fulfill your destiny, and fill your heart in a way that you've always known was possible.

Right now you have a choice. If you are in the nine percent of people who are not working, it’s time to figure out what you want to do, find a way to do it, and bring tons of value to the table. If you’re in your forties, take everything you’ve learned and leverage it. Nobody is coming to the rescue, so you must take control of your life. This is the moment when you look in the mirror and say, "This is my time."

Laying you off was their choice. What you do after that is yours. If you do it right, becoming unemployed can be the best thing that ever happened to you. They chose, now you choose.

COMMENTS: Did you ever get fired? What was that like for you?

Take the Survey!

Hey everyone, I'm working on a book about -- you guessed it -- turning 40. I'm at the very beginning stages of some research and I hope you'll take a few moments to fill out this survey. It doesn't matter whether you're under or over 40, or a woman or a man, hate it or love it.

Survey is here.

Thanks!

Respecting the Process

This is what it is like to have a baby after 40licious, no matter which way you get it.

Here's a big difference between being 40licious and younger than that.* When you are 7 or 15 or 20 or 33 or even 38, you want what you want now. You want it to happen when you deem you are ready and you will do anything you can to make it happen. Make those phone calls, fill out those papers, get good and feng shui'd, say some prayers, organize and ready yourself so It can happen. Whatever It is to you.

But eventually, you come to realize there is a process -- and you learn to respect that process. This is for a lot of Major Life Events. Like marriage, for example. Thanking all the stars in all the galaxies all the time that I didn't marry the person(s) I really, truly thought I wanted to be married to after a rollicking first three months. And even in my current very new marriage, there was a lot of process that had to happen -- over the course of a year and a half -- before we figured it out.

But tonight I'm referring specifically to adoption. Our adoption. I'm laughing a tiny bit in my head thinking about a couple who signed on with our agency and, upon the first meeting with the social worker, demanded that they have their child "before the holidays," a scant few weeks later.  They laugh about this now as well, several years into it.

Steve and I are all set with our requirements -- together, as a couple. We've filled out every paper, taken every class, called in our favors for referrals, and created what will hopefully be a compelling profile to prospective birth parents. I think they spread out all the classes and make the paperwork slightly overwhelming to weed out the folks who don't really want it.

And now we wait.

We have beautiful, lovely, empathetic friends who squeal with delight when we tell them where we are in the process. We're done with everything -- except the waiting. "When will you know?" they ask.

We could get a call tonight telling us to go to the hospital and pick up our baby. Or it could be two more years and lots of "dates" with birth parents to see if the right chemistry is there.

It's nutty enough to not know when your baby will arrive, or not knowing if it will be a boy or a girl. The only way to go through something like this is to make friends with each stage of the process -- the required class time, the paperwork, the profile writing, the interviews with social workers -- and the waiting. It is not the hardest part, nor the easiest. It is just a part.

* I am speaking of myself. It is my blog, and that's what I do here, mostly. When I refer to "you," of course, I am referring to myself. And maybe some other people who are of a similar experience.

People and Things to Remember

1. My Dad. So many connections with him as I'm planning my wedding. For one, it's at the home of the love of his life, Holly. My "bonus" mother -- they never actually married. I met Holly on my 13th birthday, and I was alternately adoring and jealous and plain old mean. And I'm glad we've transcended everything to be what we are today. Bonus.

2. To draw the line. To not feel like I have to be a superstar in everyone's life all the time, and to say no. Or say nothing. Stop overextending.

3. There is infinite wisdom in iTunes' Shuffle feature. I don't know where the soul is on that little piece of code, but dang it if Shuffle doesn't always know what you need to hear.

4. I have been having trouble remembering what day of the week it is. Regularly. So I'll say, "see you tomorrow" when I mean in three days, because I'm thinking it's a different day. Not sure how to remedy that or what to say about that.

5. I don't have to win every round.

6. I'm lucky. I'm lucky. I'm lucky.

Dog Training - Self Study

Makes it much easier.

Archaeology of a Life

 

My friends recently had to move their 90-year-old relative into a home. A new home, with people who can help him live right. Not the one he'd been in with his mother for many years until she died, and then alone for the next few decades until he could no longer manage.

This man, whom I'd never met and likely never will, was a saver. I know this because I went up to help clean out the house. He saved paystubs from the 1950s -- he'd worked as a mortician for 60 years, and each one of his pay stubs was placed neatly in a shoebox. He saved tiny parts to model planes and cars and boats that he'd assembled over the years. A museum's worth of electric shavers, still in their boxes with instructions. Sewing machines from the 1920s through the 1960s. He even kept dozens of identical white shirts and countless pairs of navy slacks. Every tie he'd ever owned, in every width that had gone in and out of style.

He'd never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. But I could tell what he loved by going through the house: the clocks he built, all which keep different time and bong without reason, on the :12 or the :37 or what have you; his 1950's mint condition Roadmaster and the 1983 El Camino that he ultimately drove into the garage wall, which signaled the end of his driving days; his mother's china, free of chips and cracks and stains (I later learned that he'd subsisted for 25 years on TV dinners after his mother had died). He loved his family, too. All their letters, Christmas and birthday cards, pictures and postcards, were bound and in boxes high in the closet.

All this digging, sorting, folding and chucking I've done over the past 48 hours makes me wonder about my personal archaeology now that I am 40licious. The diaries that date back to second grade will only confuse and alarm readers, as they were usually written in times of great upheaval. I don't know what I hope to leave behind. Hopefully a couple good ideas.

What's your legacy?

Red-faced and smacked down

Jennifer Garner plays hopeful adoptive mom, Vanessa. I know.
I've done my freaking out over all the similarities in the this movie.

My brilliant idea, like many brilliant ideas throughout time and history, has completely backfired. It has singed my eyelashes and turned my skin a deep dark red. It has made my stomach warp in embarrassment, and my shoulders turn in for shame.

Said idea I had last night was to go find the pregnant people who may be looking for adoptive parents. Kind of like fishing in a stocked pond. So I found the pregnant teenagers section and read a note from a girl who was considering placing her baby for adoption, and feeling pressure from others one way or another. I wrote and told her that she had a lot of rights and resources as a mother giving birth, and to never ever let anyone pressure her into a decision. That she could even wait until after the child was born to decide. And that there were people like me who would very much like to raise a child.

This did not go over very well in the pregnant teenager section of Babycenter.com.

People accused me of preying on young vulnerable women. They blocked me from further comment. One person sent me a comment on last night's post that read, in part: "How dare you approach vulnerable teenagers and suggest the only option available to them is adoption? In case you haven't notice the Pregnant Teenagers group on Baby Center is for SUPPORT. Support in HAVING our children. Not in giving them up."

So now I know.

And the search continues -- after I read guidelines more closely.

Crap. This is harder than I thought.

Not Getting What We Want

There has to be a brass ring around here somewhere.

My friend Natalie didn't get her $20 million ranch in Ojai that the Argentinian dermatologist had promised her during their whirlwind romance.

My cousin Sean didn't get the sexy entertainment gig he was so sure was his upon arrival in Hollywood.

Many years ago, I didn't get the baby I carried for 12 weeks, which suddenly, violently, left my body upon its own volition. As did a couple after that more recently.

But you know what? Turns out that Natalie's dude was slightly sociopathic and faked cancer in order to break up. She's with a lovely man now who makes her feel like a rock star. Sean ended up taking a job at the only place that would have him, Greenpeace, signing up members in front of Trader Joe's. He's now the No. 1 canvasser in the country and will be able to go anywhere he wants.

As for myself, I can't say that I have a logical explanation of why I didn't get what I wanted the most in the whole world -- nobody could ever find anything wrong. But I do have a deep spiritual understanding of it. That it wasn't right, it wasn't time, that it was practice for the real thing. And that a child will come into my life in some way, whether he or she passes through my body or from someone else's.

The view tonight from the 40licious-yard line is this: If you're not getting what you desperately, urgently want with every fiber in your body, and have done everything you can to get it, there's probably a really good reason for that. Which will make itself clear eventually.

5 Easy Secrets of Success

I am learning the secrets of corporate success. Really, they are very simple.

1. make the phone call, or return the phone call.
2. show up.
3. add your input when requested, even if you haven't thought about it too hard, because probably nobody else will and the the asker will be eternally grateful that his or her request hasn't gone into the deep void.
4. a little charm, a lot of thank yous and a benign joke or two go a long way.
5. whatever that huge thing is you're putting off probably won't take as long as you think it will. And instead of creating something from scratch, chances are, someone's been there before and you can just reuse stuff and shine it up a bit.

I've never been a corporate-type person, with all the freelancing and creative work that got me by. But these days I am especially grateful for this place I go every day, in a suddenly sexy industry, that deposits a sum into my bank account every two weeks. It's all good.

Tweenbot: People, at their core, are good

In the tradition of GREAT things coming out of my alma mater, an NYU student conducted a social experiment to see if strangers would help a derailed robot get to its destination, the southwest corner of Washington Square Park.

To paraphrase Anne Frank, I do believe that people don't suck as much as we generally think they do.

April Fooled

Haha my April Fool's joke backfired on me. It wasn't that hilarious to begin with, and I'll spare you the details, but it involved some pushed-forward clocks, a man who likes to sleep in, anxiety nightmares about said clocks, and a day full of crankiness from no sleep.

Next year will be better. I should start planning now though.

It's All Practice

I'm applying for another job where I work. It's not that I don't like what I'm currently doing -- I'm actually quite enjoying it and just had a major splash with the announcement of the largest solar contract in the world.

But this other job is a little more lucrative and a little outside my scope. It's new. I've never done it before. I spent a lot of time wondering how I will close the gap between "I know I can do it" and "I have the experience" since I learned I'm going to be interviewed.

The other day at yoga the instructor asked us to do something I've never done. It involved crow -- balancing my knees on my elbows, chest parallel to the floor -- then folding over with my head to the floor; then lifting my legs straight up so I'd be in a headstand.

Now I know how to do all of those three separately, so I didn't panic too much. And lo, I put all the parts together and I did it just fine. I didn't topple over. I'd actually been leading up to this pose for the past 10 years.

So that's my selling point to the people who will hire me for this other job. I'm already doing all the parts, just watch me put it together in this cool new way.

A Better Me

I'm not all crazy for resolutions because I'd like to think that I am constantly evolving, constantly trying to be a more loving and generous and smarter person, no matter what day of the year. There have been the times I've vowed to do something new and virtuous as the calendar flipped. Like in 2003, my resolution was to eat more fresh whipped cream. No problem! Goal achieved!

At 40licious, I am trying to have a lot more compassion for others -- plus a little extra for myself. So this year, instead of doing a list of resolutions, I will get rid of old patterns that don't serve me. So if that means just SHUTTING THE HELL UP when I really want to say something that might not ring right, that might hurt someone's feelings, that might make me "win" for two seconds, well, then, I will consider it and SHUT THE HELL UP. There is power in stillness. I will be powerfully still in 2009.

And of course, I will continue to consume more fresh whipped cream.

And you?

Follow the Recipe

One of the most profound lessons I learned this year -- and believe you me, there were a LOT -- was over Christmas. For Christmas Eve dinner, I made bouillabaisse from the New York Times Cookbook, as I have on dozens of occasions before. But this time, instead of using the recipe as a suggestion, I followed the directions to the letter. The result? SPECTACULAR. It was easy, took less than an hour, and the stew was a subtle yet jubilant celebration of seafood in all the right ways. But the true test was the next night, when I made it again for my lifelong French foodie friends, the Gayot family. (Running around LA looking for clam juice on Christmas, however, wasn't easy.) Never shy or retiring (Sophie told me flat out, "Do not bring wine or flowers. But bouillabaisse sounds fun"), they murmured praise in French and English. They loved it. Sophie has finally found a decent bouillabaisse in LA. And so on.

The lesson here? That Craig Claiborne probably knows, oh, a teensy bit more about food and how to make it than I do. It's his job, he's done it for 60 years, and look! He's written down what he knows in a book! Just there waiting for me!

I'm done reinventing the wheel, I think, and will take a good long listen to a professional, no matter what the arena -- food, financial, design, hair, whatever. But when it comes to INVENTING something else, something new, something that is busting to come forth from my deepest psyche, well, then, I'm all over it.

Quantum of Soul-Ass

Dear James Bond,

I've loved all your incarnations since I was a wee lass. They have fueled my passion for the perfect man. For the pithy quip. For the way to get something done just so.

I loved you as Sean Connery, and Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore. Then, when I thought it couldn't get any better, here comes hunky Daniel Craig, who was all smart and lovely and so. damn. beautiful. in Casino Royale. THIS Bond was resourceful and even more charming and so human and so lucky and so ... well, he fell in love. Even when he was strapped all nekkid in a chair and beaten silly on his manparts. My heart ached, physically ached for him. For Daniel. For the life we could have together if he could just get out of that chair! And come to America and find me! And decide that we're great together and get married, not just for the green card! Because he doesn't need one anyway, as an international spy!

So today, with a belly full of leftovers, I traipsed -- traipsed, mind you -- to my local theater to watch Bondliness wonders unfold in "Quantum of Solace." First of all, where did you get that title? Did you drink a bunch of tequila, blindfold yourself with your tidy whities on your head, flip open the dictionary, land your finger on "Solace" and "Quantum" and decide to just go for it? Did you enlist a brain trust from Oxford to find the perfect title, then go on Babelfish to translate into German, Spanish, French, Dutch, Esperanto and then back to English, and this is what came out? Did you outsource it to India? WHAT THE HELL DOES "QUANTUM OF SOLACE" MEAN???? It sounds like a euphemism for something, as in, "Dude, I downed a quantum of solace last night and I'm not going to be able to make your wedding. Sorry about that." It sounds like some obscure Medieval measurement, as in, "Sire, I must reveal that we've only a quantum of solace left in the entire shire. Surely it will not last the winter. What shall we do? Oh! Heavens! I shall ring a large bell and kill some peasants!" But enough with the title. Whatever.

James, I KEPT WAITING FOR THE MOVIE TO START. There was that insane violent car chase through all the Italian tunnels. Then some more stuff exploded. Then some people got shot. Then you made it with a lady. Then some more people! Then Dame Judy Dench was lovely and sassy with the meager amount she was given. And you threw your dead friend in the Dumpster! Then some more stuff exploding! And then it was over!

Honestly, James, I thought you'd be more resourceful. Yeah, you with a bloody face in a tuxedo is kind of ruggedly handsome the first time. We got that. Okay, enough already, you don't have to do it, like, EIGHT TIMES IN ONE MOVIE.

I don't know if it's good enough, anymore, to have your leading lady seek a revenge killing for the evil dictator that raped her family and burned down their house. Can't we think of ANYTHING ELSE HERE? Can't we transcend the hackneyed, puhleeeeeeeeeze?

So, my darling James, as you know I am a very forgiving person. Hell, I had two three-peats that ate up about a dozen of my best mating and dating years. I beseech you, please re-watch yourself in "Casino Royale" and "Dr. No" and 10 other films where you were masterful. You're verging on being downgraded to a thrice-recurring role in "CSI: Car Chase Explosions" at best, or the bad/good/complicated guy in "Miami Vice 4."

For now, James, you're on probation. And might I suggest several 12-step groups for you?

Love,

Vanessa

10 Commandments for Our Once and Future Leaders

Juan Enriquez (2008) Pop!Tech Pop!Cast from PopTech on Vimeo.

This is quite possibly the smartest man in America. He explains what happened to us and how to get out of this big mess we're in. The video is about a half hour long, so pour yourself a glass of cabernet, get a tub of Haagen Dazs Rum Raisin ice cream, and get yourself some free education.

If you don't have time for that, in a nutshell, here are the 10 commandments, which link back to his presentation:

1. We have to save the dollar (AAA rating in jeopardy)

2. We have to fundamentally and brutally restructure debt

3. All entitlements are fair game. To begin with...

a. If you are 60 to 65 you probably just lost a big chunk of your nest egg.

(we don’t want anything from you)

b. If you are 55 to 60, we need two more years’ work from you

c. 55 and under, we need three or four more years from you

4. Cut back military by 2% per year for ten years

5. Cap medical costs at 18% GNP (going to be a cat fight, but we need to have it)

6. We have to triage our support for companies (don’t attempt to save dying whales)

7. The program has to be bipartisan. It has to make both Dems and Repubs unhappy

8. Simplify and broadly apply Sarbanes Oxley – apply it to government, apply it to hedge funds

9. We will invest in growing start up companies (which create the most jobs – this is where the economy is growing)

10. We will treat education as a varsity sport (and continue to recruit foreign PhDs)

You're welcome.

Pop!Tech - Day 1 - Speaking the Unspoken

Holy crap I am hyperventilating about what just happened on my way back from the opening-night cocktail party, but first here's the meaty part of the post:

I am here in Camden for my third Pop!Tech conference, where culture and technology come together, presented by today's greatest writers and thinkers. Today there were special pre-conference sessions. I went to see Joe Navarro, a retired FBI profiler, who spoke about nonverbal communications. Among the gems he imparted to us:

• We are constantly transmitting information by how we present ourselves, our
  actions, expressions and how we choose or not choose to appear.


• Our limbic brain controls our emotions and "gut" reactions; thinking is not involved.


• Pointing with one finger is one of the most offensive things you can do. Use
  your whole hand to wave, instead.


• When we get away with something or when we get caught, we do the "tongue jut," ala McCain after the last debate.


• The most honest part of anyone's body is his or her feet. Watch where they are
  pointing, or not pointing. That will tell you everything. The face is the least
  reliable.


• The weak never assess or adjust their judgment if a situation or person is a threat or not a threat. Think of paranoid schizos.


• Watch what happens when you shake hands with someone. Do they back up? They need more space.


• Watch people who display their thumbs out of their pockets, like doctors or politicians or even Sarah Palin. It means, "We are not equals."


• Always frame people in blue; it is soothing and also a demonstration of power.


• If you want someone to rememeber something, present it in yellow against a blue background.


• Life is a movie, not a photograph. But you can tell a lot from a photograph.


• To establish an empathatic channel with someone, use the same word as they do.


• A head tilt is one of the most powerful comfort signals there is. Abusive
  mothers do not tilt their heads toward their children.


• You can tell which child a parent favors by his or her body language. Watch for the weaker, more relaxed leg toward the favored child.


• There is no single behavior that is indicative of deception; just look for indicators of stress. Which you can find out about in Navarro's book, "What Every Body Is Saying."

Before I tell you about how I made a geek of myself in front of one of my heroes, I will tell you that I made a new friend upon checkout, and we are suddenly BFFs and tomorrow AM we will go to yoga where he promises to teach me to fly! (It involves me balancing my pelvis on the soles of his feet.)

OK, so we're leaving the cocktail party, walking up the blustery, leafy streets of Camden, and a guy with a radical mop of hair asks us where the restauarant is and is the party still going on. I take a look and without thinking, I blurt out, "Are you Malcolm?"
"Yes I am."
I introduce myself and tell him I am a huge fan. And of course he thanks me.

This is Malcolm "Blink" and "The Tipping Point" Gladwell.

And then we told him where the party was and send him on his way. And I start hyperventilating and staggering up the street because I have read his work and it has affected me most profoundly. And then my new friend Michael and I start emailing and texting people that we just met Malcolm Gladwell as we say "holy shit" to each other over and over again.

This is going to be an amazing conference. It feels like the first day of the best semester ever. Holy crap. Malcolm Gladwell.

I am such a geek.