Relatonships: Sex Is Different for Women in Their 40s

Pat Love

This is the second post featuring Pat Love, an aptly-named expert on relationships and author of many books including “Hot Monogamy” with Jo, and “The Truth About Love.” In a recent interview, we talked about how sex changes for many women in their 40s.


PAT LOVE: Two-thirds of women don't feel like having sex until orgasm is imminent. Right before orgasm, you think, "Oh this is so much fun, I'm going to do it again, why did I wait so long?" you know, you do that little mantra to yourself. And once you have an orgasm, you have lots of memories.

In fact, I was asked at the Lake Austin Spa, which is a wonderful world-class spa where I was speaking, and I was talking on the subject of sex over 40, and I got to thinking about it, and I thought, sex before 40, is not as relevant, as distinct as sex after 40. Because being with the same person has a lot more parameters and consequences than sex after 40, because whether you're 40 or 50 or 70 or 20, you've been dealt this hand of hormones, and I was so it's not like, "I was so sexy in my 20's or 30's and it's going to go downhill." It's not like that at all. You've been dealt a hand of hormones. And whether you're more estrogen-dominant or testosterone dominant, it’s going to determine your walking-around physical urge to engage in sex. I talked to six women. One high-testosterone woman was saying, "When my husband and I get really bitchy at each other, I realize, hey, we need to go to bed." And the other says, "Well how can have sex with him when you're mad at him?" and she says, "Well, honey, that's what makes it better!" That's a high testosterone woman; you can just see it too. They look different.

But you know most women they try to understand their sexuality in their 40's, you have new relationships ... because there are two types of people in the world. There are the autogenic and the psychogenic pathways to arousal. The autogenic is that person that walks around with a sex-ready body. It's the more testosterone dominant hormone hand. These are the nice guys, the sensitive guys, the very emotional guys, the guys who like to talk about feelings, I'm not talking about gay, I'm talking heterosexual: they're more estrogen dominant, and they have the psychogenic arousal pattern. They do need the contact. They want to talk, they want to be close, they have to have affection, and they have to have their stress lowered.

In your 40's, you start to get more curious, a lot of tasks are already done, you have time for yourself, and you're still young, and you might feel frisky and you want that romance, or you want sexual passion, and you start to be investigative. And you're still menstruating, so maybe you have these little bumps in elevation around sex drive and you want that to be there all the time, and you're wondering where the female Viagra is.

And so I think there’s a lot of sexual curiosity, and a lot of sexual unrest and sexual dissatisfaction in your 40's. One because you have time to think about it, and two you've been with someone you've probably had 10 years of complaints by now, and that is a complaint by women in their 40's. And most women when they get to gather, they talk about, "Ain't it awful, why does he want sex?" if you're in a heterosexual relationship, "Why does he want sex more than I do and it's all he thinks about?" But then you have that girlfriend or two who says "Well, I'm the one who wants sex more, and I get my feelings hurt and I don't feel attractive, because my partner doesn't desire sex like I do." Opposites attract, not just with sex drive, it's personality characteristics. They go with the sex drive, with the hormones.

VANESSA: A tantra class probably has a lot more 40-year-old people in it than 20-year-old people.

PAT: Yes it does. I think part of it is that you're more confident and you're proactive, and you still feel young in your body, and you're not ashamed of your body, gravity hasn't taken over, and, age spots, and all those ugly things that you just get later. I think it's a fantastic decade for women, and I think we could argue it's one of the best decades, because 40 is still young. ... What I would hope that women in their late 30's would start buying this, so they can really see what the roadmap would be.

Relationships: Women in Their 40s Have More Orgasms

Fake it 'til you make it, baby!

As if you needed another reason to be grateful for your 40licious years, a roundup article on orgasms in EmpowHer give us this: "Orgasm gets better with age. ... the quality and frequency of orgasm may actually improve with age. While 61 percent of women ages 18 to 24 experienced orgasm the last time they had sex, 65 percent of women in their 30s did and about 70 percent of women in their 40s and 50s did.”

Have you had yours today?

Work: Sexual Harassment Still Common in the Workplace

"In some ways this suggests that sexual harassment is such a widespread problem that women have figured out ways to deal with it so it doesn't interfere with their psychological well-being."

We came of age in the '80s, when we suited up with shoulder pads and looked to movies such as 9 to 5 and Working Girl as our plucky career-gal paradigms. Innuendo in the workplace became a tale of a bygone age, thanks to our mothers and grandmothers who fought ugly battles for the corner office, to wear pants to work and to be free from slaps on the ass and tit-for-tat promotions, so to speak. It was no longer acceptable for men to sexually harass women at work. There were rules about this sort of thing.

On paper.

Jump forward to now and I think most of us can count on one or two or more hands about times we've been at work and had to make a split second decision about an off remark, a lingering lascivious look, perhaps even an "accidental" touching of the blouse. Do we say something and make a scene and get HR involved? Or do we suck it up and let it pass?

According to a new study, probably the latter.

"When women view sexual harassment as bothersome, it doesn't seem to be associated with distress," said Isis Settles, associate professor of psychology in a Science Daily article. "In some ways this suggests that sexual harassment is such a widespread problem that women have figured out ways to deal with it so it doesn't interfere with their psychological well-being."

I don't know what the answer is. Logically, I know we need to call people to the carpet, to kill the remark and its intent immediately and I know there are probably effective and graceful ways to do that. But in reality, the last time an executive made a sexually suggestive joke at my expense, I went along and laughed with everyone else, and died a little inside.

Sex: Sex Gets Better with Age for Women in Their 40s

We're lucky to have Dr. Yvonne Fulbright, a sexologist from Iceland, help us with today's  Q & A on one of our favorite subjects -- you guessed it  -- sex! And being that she's the ambassador for a personal lubrication product, we are also giving away Astroglide to the five people who provide the best 40licious sex tips in the comments section.

Dr. Fulbright is  the author of several books, including Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover, Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots and The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking, as well as co-author of Your Orgasmic Pregnancy: Little Sex Secrets Every Hot Mama Should Know.

Dr. Yvonne Albright. Wouldn't you just love telling people you're a sexologist when they ask what you do for a living?

1. How does sex generally change for women in their 40s?
Research on women ages 35-49 has revealed that the majority are interested in maintaining a healthy sex life, with over half having sex at least once per week. About half are also initiating sex with their partners and enjoying sexual activity. From the “Sex in America” report to Shere Hite’s research to Gina Ogden’s “Heart & Soul of Sex” research, we’re constantly being reminded that women are often very sexually piqued. They want sex; they love sex; they desire sexual intimacy. Many want sex more than their partner does. Approaching 40 or entering the fifth decade of her life does not slow her down sexually, as is widely believed.

One of the reasons for this is that sex, for many, gets better with age. Her ideas about sex have evolved. Sex isn’t just about having sex – going all the way – it’s an experience that’s about her mind-body-soul connection, whether she and her lover get carnal or spiritual. It’s about the energy exchange, a celebration of the union and the pursuit of every pleasure the moment can offer.

Between popular press articles, personal experience, shows like “Sex & the City” and sex books, she’s also more informed and feeling more empowered in the sack as such. She’s comfortable being sexually creative, and feeling much more sexually mature than younger women. With more open discussions about sexual exploration, she’s more willing to role-play, share fantasies, try sex toys, vamp up her look, attempt erotic talk, seduce her partner… She recognizes the importance of maintaining passion and keeping things hot and fresh in and out of the bedroom – and she’s making the effort to realize such.
 
2. Are there any hormonal shifts we should be aware of? How do they manifest?
About four to eight years before the onset of menopause, about 90 percent of women experience a change in their menstrual cycle, e.g., lighter or heavier bleeding. Other symptoms of hormone shifts may include hot flashes, sleep disturbances, headaches, dry-eye syndrome, and unwanted hair. As a consequence, some may find themselves avoiding sexual activity.

3. What makes the difference between regular sex and swinging-from-the-chandelier sex?
There are a couple of major things going on. First, she’s connected to herself and her partner. She feels good about her partnership, which is one of the reasons she’s still sexually piquing at this time. She has fewer insecurities, and is feeling more confident in being more accepting of her body and the woman she has become, especially if she has had a child. She’s more sure of her sensuality and able to tap her sensual core. She has a better understanding of sexual intimacy and meeting her needs.

Second, changes are going on at midlife that invite more sexual opportunities. Many women are reconnecting with their partners as their children grow into ages where they’re more independent and there are more opportunities for a mom and her lover to be sexually active.

Some are re-entering the dating pool, and with that embracing their sexuality in a whole new way. Between new beginnings, being in a healthier place, and embracing new opportunities, these women are tuning into their sexuality in a whole new way.

4. Anything else you'd like to share about 40licious sex?
Pre-menopausal women still need to worry about birth control, since women over 35 are second behind teenagers in the U.S. when it comes to the most unplanned pregnancies. A major reason for this is that they’re having more sex than what we give them credit for. So for those not wanting to get pregnant, it’s important for them to talk to their doctors about their contraceptive options. Since the availability of the birth control pill, research has consistently found that women who don’t have to worry about pregnancy report better, less inhibited sex.

COMMENT: WHAT'S YOUR 40LICIOUS SEX TIP? FIRST FIVE GOOD ONES WIN SOME FREE ASTROGLIDE

40licious Style: Breast in Show, or, Don't Rock Your Boobs at Work

Breasts: Something we can all get behind on Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m very aware that we’re all in different places romantically – some of us are blissfully partnered, others are happily single, some in relationships about to implode, and still others are unsatisfied going it alone. So we’re not going to talk about love in the regular way.

The thing I would like us all to celebrate today -- one of the few things we 40licious women have in common -- is our breasts. If you’re not completely titillated with them already, I want you to fall in madly love with yours, be they perky, ginormous, re-created, enhanced, barely there or the source of an infant’s feeding frenzy. They are the first part of you that enters a room, so treat them accordingly. Dress them. Take them out for a walk. Admire them in the mirror and perhaps write a little poem for them. 

Author Elisabeth Dale

One of the breast, er, best experts on the subject is Elisabeth Dale, also known as “The Boob Lady.” She’s the author of “Boobs: a Guide to Your Girls.”

Although all women own their breasts, expert Dale says that really, there is only one entity that claims them in this country, which she calls the “Breast Industrial Complex”: The porn industry.

“The porn industry has an exclusive lock on showing nipples, so nobody in the general public gets to see them. So when people try to breast feed in public people freak out. All they are is part of a baby bottle when you’re nursing. To see people to reject nursing in 2011 is insane to me.”

Nursing is good for the baby, and also good for preventing breast cancer, she says. It’s Dale’s job to take the bewilderment out of breast ownership, and to stop feeling bad about them.

“Our boobs are like living targets, they’re constantly changing,” she says. “We often see the ‘ideal’ breast in the media, on a 20-25 year-old. Very few women look like that. Most of those women are photoshopped. Cleavage doesn’t exist in nature – it’s a bra pushing their breasts up to their chin.”

DRESSING YOUR BREAST
Whether it’s from gravity or pregnancy, your breasts will be different than they were at 25. Same as if you gain or lose as little as 5 pounds.

“There’s a great deal of wisdom behind the 40-year-old breast,” Dale says. “A 25-year-old might not appreciate her body. A 40-year-old woman is more comfortable in her skin, unless she has major body image issues. She understands that nobody’s perfect, only 1 percent of women have a model figure. “

To best dress your breasts, she says that a professional fitting is crucial – and NOT from the Victoria’s Secret, where the fitters are generally very young, but from Nordstrom or a small boutique with a variety of bras. The good news on the lingerie front is that there are more choices than ever for beautiful lingerie in any size.

“If you’re physically active, wear a really good sports bra,” she says. This will help prevent pain and tissue stretching. Those of us who rock a large B, C or bigger cup should get an “encapsulator” bra that separates the breasts. Our sleeker sisters in an A or small B cup can get away with the “compressor” bra (that sometimes results in the dreaded “uniboob” if it doesn’t fit right).

We know our breasts are beyond powerful. Presented properly, they can steal the show and cause immense distraction and distress. Not to mention the sexual pleasure they bring to everyone involved.

But Dale has a word of advice for bringing them to work: “If it’s not in your job description, don’t write it in.” Cleavage in the workplace doesn’t help your credibility unless you’re a waitress or in the entertainment industry.

“You wouldn’t wear shorts to a job interview, you wouldn’t wear tennis shoes with a suit,” she says. “What’s the message you’re trying to send?”


The next post with Elisabeth Dale will be about the breast health – how to get it and keep it.

40licious Relationships: How to Save Your Marriage and Be Happy

Author Alisa Bowman went from planning her very-much-alive husband's funeral to falling back in love with him.

"I had married the right person. Ditching him was not the solution. And I was the source of a lot of our problems. I had issues with assertiveness. Once I learned how to be assertive, my marriage transformed."

Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir about how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love. She’s also the creator of ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com, a gathering spot for recovering divorce daydreamers. The 40s seems to be a real turning point in many marriages, so I thought Alisa would be a great source of wisdom for us.

1. You've become a "happy marriage" expert. What are the three most important things people should keep in mind for a blissful union?

1. Accept that a good marriage requires effort. Many people make the mistake of believing the following myth: If I marry the right person, marriage will be effortless. This just isn’t true. You are two different people with two different brains, two different nervous systems, and two different sets of values, habits, opinions and ideas. There will be times when you are not in sync. There will also be times when outside stressors—health problems, job loss, financial issues, meddling inlaws and more—force you to grow. Growth is hard, and most of us try to avoid it. Yet, if you try to avoid it, your marriage will suffer.
2. Learn how to be assertive without being aggressive. Effective communication can help you navigate every relationship in your life—including the one you have with your spouse. Learn how to ask for what you want succinctly, without blame and with a positive tone of voice. Good communication is the foundation that solves all marital ills.
3. Focus on solutions rather than dead ends. It’s natural to feel frustrated when things don’t go our way. Yet anger, resentment and frustration don’t solve problems. Solve marital problems using the scientific method. Try one solution. Test it. See if it works. Then try another. Eventually one will work.

2. How is marriage different for someone in her 40s than, say, in her 20s or 60s?

I think of the 40s (and 50s) as the transition between youth and old age. These are the decades when you are aware that you are aging and that your youthfulness is slipping away.

These are also the decades when most of us are at the height of our careers. We’re the most confident we’ve ever been about our abilities. No longer are we the “young green” person at work. We’re the experienced employee that people rely on.

These two factors can work together to make a marriage quite vulnerable. I know many women who were very happily married until their 40s. Then, suddenly, they found themselves struggling with attraction to men who were not their husbands. They craved romance, affection, and attention—and they were not getting it at home. I often tell folks who develop the Mid Life Wandering Eye that they must recommit themselves to their marriages all over again. They also must rediscover their spouses all over again. And they must teach their spouses to give them what they seek: attention, romance and affection.


3. Marriage seems more complicated these days. There are step children and exes and lots of family configurations. How to stay sane?

You navigate these issues the same way you navigate all life issues: an open mind, a dose of creativity, and lots of problem solving and communication. Let go of your idea of how life “should” be, how people “should” behave, and how you “should” be treated. Shoulds and reality usually don’t intersect. And once you break out of your “should” thinking, you will open yourself up to lots of other workable possibilities.

4. How do you save a marriage that's gone stale after many years? Why not just start over?

You could start over, and many people do. The problem with that approach, however, is that you will probably end up in the same place. Statistics bear this out. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than that of first marriages. And the divorce rate for third marriages is even higher than that of second marriages. It might seem as if swapping spouses is the solution. Chances are, however, the real change needs to happen inside of you. As a good friend once told me, “You can work on your stuff with your husband. Or you can work on your stuff with your next husband. Either way, you’re going to end up working on your stuff.”

Starting over is a way of procrastination. It’s a way of delaying in inevitable. You can grow into a better, stronger, happier, more complete person now. Or you can do it in your next marriage. It’s your choice.

So if your marriage is “stale,” become the exciting spark that your marriage needs. Be the change you want to see in your marriage. Initiate more conversations. Suggest activities you can do together. Surprise your spouse in the bedroom.

Take the initiative. You just might find that solving the problem of a stale marriage has very little to do with your spouse and everything to do with you.


5. Why did you start Project Happily Ever After?

My marriage was once so bad that I planned my husband’s funeral on the off chance he might conveniently drop dead. During that time, I bought into all of the myths that I mentioned here. I thought that the only solution was to ditch the husband. I thought that I’d married the wrong person. I thought he was the source of all of our problems.

You know what? None of that was true. I had married the right person. Ditching him was not the solution.

And I was the source of a lot of our problems. I had issues with assertiveness. Once I learned how to be assertive, my marriage transformed.

As my marriage improved, I began talking about marriage with others. Those connections made me realize how alone people felt. So I started blogging about it. Then I started writing a book about my experience, too. The result is ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com and the memoir Project: Happily Ever After.


6. Anything else you'd like to add?

When people struggle in marriage, they tend to feel alone. They feel like losers and failures. I want them to know that they are not losers or failures, and they are not alone. There are lots of recovering divorce daydreamers out there! You really are normal. Marriage is a challenge—one that few people talk about. It has many wonderful benefits, and, if you keep working at it, those benefits far outweigh the hard times. Most couples who have been married 40, 50, 60 or more years tell me that they went through some incredible rough patches along the way, but they do not regret staying together. They say that marriage is worth it. And I agree.

COMMENTS: How do you keep your marriage going when it seems like all is lost?

Order Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters

40licious Sex: Men's Health Survey Says We Go Further Faster

"Women in their 40s love sex. In our survey, this was the age group most open to considering sex on a first date (58 percent). These women were also the most likely to have had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter (86 percent)."-- Men's Health

So there's this recent Men's Health Magazine that's been all over the news the past few days, talking about how women in their 40s are more likely to have sex on the first date. Yes, we know what we want and we don't give a crap about what someone might think. But also, it's because we probably see a loser 10 miles away and won't go out with him. We have a higher likelihood of saying yes to going on a date with someone we won't mind waking up with -- or sneaking out when we're done.