Some things about Christmas 2013

This is Grace's portrait of Bridgett and Bill. Which is so crazy perfect, if you know them.

1. My dad died 10 years ago today. You don't really recover from something like that. I was really sad for the past couple weeks and felt all "dumpy mom," and couldn't quite put my finger on it, but duh. Of course. Then, some magic. My older brother, Ilya, in ISRAEL, made a concert of this beautiful, ethereal music with some friends. We set up a Skype call and I watched/listened for a couple hours as I worked. It was truly beautiful and brought me to tears. Ilya is amazing. You should look him up when you go to Israel. He will march you through the Sinai, naked, and teach you to play drums with Bedouins. And you can all laugh at German tourists together.

2. I have been sadly neglectful of my blog and the 40licious activities because I took a screenwriting class. And now it's over and I have an outline for a super cute movie that involves a faked pregnancy and an oyster-shucking showdown with some French people.

3. 40licious is pivoting. I am re-branding and calling it "Swerve" because too many women on either side of 40 said they like what I do, but they don't feel either 40 or licious. Look for new logo etc. in January.

4. I am really trying to be really nice to people who, frankly, have been super sucky to me. Or even a little sucky over and over again. It is hard to not escalate it or match snark for snark. But I can sleep better knowing that even when my side of the street wasn't clean all the time, I tried to make it all right. It is a new paradigm for me.

4. My daughter's biological parents, Bridgett and Bill, have recently become homeless. They were in a shelter and then in a tent on the street. At first I was "helpful" by giving them blankets and movies and whatever else I thought they needed. And then it got cold in LA, and very rainy. And now they are staying with me and Grace for a while. I have learned a lot of things in the past week. Like how I have some pre-set Middle Class White Girl ideas and control issues. And that people are really, really, really big-hearted. I put a post about B&B on Facebook and for the past four days, bags of clothes, a $20 bill here and there, and bunny supplies have shown up at our door. Oh, did I mention they have a bunny? She now lives in our kitchen. Someone I don't even know is sending a bunny cage from Michigan. See, that's how amazing people are.

How to Get a Rich Man and and Other Things You Might Need to Know

Today's guest is Donna Spangler, a beauty, fitness and lifestyle expert, blogger and author of "How to Get a Rich Man; The Princess Formula." But before you click off this page in disgust and think that she's undermining everything we've worked so hard for, read on to see what she means by "rich," it's better than it sounds. Donna is at work on another book and about to launch her line of Donna Spangler Beauty cosmetics. 

Donna Spangler

1. Finances get really complicated for couples when we're in our 40s, especially if there's a wide disparity in incomes. How can you avoid the money issue in a relationship?

Being a couple is first and foremost, a partnership.  When you commit to each other, you are committing to building a life together.  Complications with money usually occur when there is a lack of communication.  It is imperative that complex money issues are discussed with one another.  You need to both express where you each see the money going and how you feel it should be spent.  For example…Is the money going towards a vacation or towards the children’s school tuition?  You need to clearly lay out what each persons financial responsibility is and if the responsibility is fair.  Often one spouse makes more money than the other.  In this case, establish and understand that perhaps they will then carry the bulk of the financial obligations.  In a relationship, money should always be distributed in a fair and equal manner to ensure a harmonious and long relationship.  Any unfair distribution of finances will often lead to resentment and problems down the line.  The bottom line is to always lay down the ground rules of what each person expects of themselves and the other at the very beginning!    

2. You look amazing. What's your surprising secret, beyond genes, eating right and exercising?

I believe in doing everything possible to help maintain a vital and healthy body. Vitamins are very important for me.  I take them daily to ensure I am getting those vitamins that I may have missed in my diet.  I love protein shakes and I eat a ton of vegetables and very lean meat.  I exercise regularly with weights and I do Taekwondo and I make sure to get ample hours of sleep.  I drink a ton of water.  Water cleans out your body, helps promote healthy skin and it makes you feel fuller throughout the day so you don’t get as hungry.  I admit that like many gals out there, I do a little Botox here and there.  I go to the dentist regularly and I visit my hair stylist to maintain my hair cut and color.  Looking good is a heck of a lot of work.  The older we get, the more diligent we gals have to be. I’m not saying that I am trying to look like a teenager or someone in my 20s.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am just saying that as we age, keeping up our appearance and maintaining a strong body is important for our health and our mental well-being.

3. You wrote a book about how to marry a rich man. How is that different than gold digging? What else is important for women in their 40s to seek out in a mate that they might not have valued earlier in their lives?

My book, How To Get A Rich Man: The Princess Formula came out in 2007 and since then it has been translated into multiple languages.  The title is sort of tongue and cheek.  My main message in the book is for women to be the best that they can be to attract the right kind of man that is ultimately rich in heart and spirit.  If you can find one with an abundance of financial means, there is nothing wrong with that but it is not the most important thing.  Most women want a man who is loyal, loving, kind, considerate, humorous and respects them.  Finding a man with common interests and the same goals in life is important for the right chemistry.  You can find the richest man in the world but if he does not love and respect you, then he is worthless in my opinion.   

4. Anything else you think is important to know about life after 40? 

Life after 40 should be empowering!  After 40 we have finally gained so much wisdom and insight.  We should be fearless in going after all of our goals.  We should lose the fear that often traps us.  Don’t look at yourself as getting “old.” Look at yourself as getting “better” and empower yourself!  Start looking at yourself as someone who has a lot to contribute to this world.  Above all, spread your love and goodness and enjoy life’s ever-abundant journey!

Relationships: Keep Crazy in a Bottle

I was having a conversation today with a friend about jealousy, which brought me back to 1994, the last time I remember being insanely jealous in a relationship. I was dating a wild Irishman who was an outlandish but convincing liar. Like the time he told me he didn't come home because it was raining so hard and the windshield wipers didn't work in his van, so he had to pull to the side of the road and sleep there. All night. There was a Teutonic construction worker in the wings named Monica, and their hushed conversations at parties + his prolonged absences + his short temper with me + rumors about them being together + plus the FEELING that I had about them I knew equaled an affair.

But over and over again he swore that there was nothing going on. Eventually, I took my own lover as a way to soothe the wounds, but not before putting my fist through a window and screaming at him, naked and freezing after I'd gotten out of the shower. At a friend's house. That was low.

Mind you, I am a completely different person now. This was in the Dark Days of Drinking in a small Northwestern town.

After that, I vowed that I would never again allow myself to arrive at a position of jealousy. If I ever felt that again, justified or not, it was not the right relationship for me.

This doesn't mean I haven't felt jealous, or left out, or crazed from non-communication, or a number of other negative emotions since then. But I gained a valuable tool (vicariously from advice a friend's shrink gave her). "Keep crazy in a bottle," the therapist said, when my friend became unglued for whatever offense. You can ramble to your girlfriends or parents or therapist about it, but when confronting the boyfriend, keep it cool. You'll get further and you'll be more productive. You might be wrong. There might be missing information. Regardless, you're in the position of power when you are still.

I'd like to take that shrink's advice one step further. Put crazy in the bottle. And then when you are ready, throw the bottle in the ocean and sail on to calmer shores. You will never need it again.

Spirit: Big Fat Lies Moms Believe OR How to Break Free From Your Inner Critic

Today's post comes from Amy Ahlers, a certified life coach and author of Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves: Ditch Your Inner Critic and Wake Up Your Inner Superstar. 

When I became a mom I also became more self‐critical. It was as if when I gave birth to my daughter, I also gave birth to a new clan of Inner Critics whose mission was to create a swirl of negative thoughts in my head. I like to call these addictive negative thoughts Big Fat Lies.

I’m also a life coach, so I’ve coached hundred of moms and have witnessed firsthand how they become their own worst enemy. After more than a decade of coaching moms from every walk of life (from CEO moms to stay at home moms to mompreneurs) I finally got it: we are all hard on ourselves despite appearances. I am not alone (and neither are you!). We beat ourselves up for both the big things and for the tiniest imperfections. And all this punishment isn’t helping us be better moms or feel more fulfilled or even to get more done. Who can blame us for being so hard on ourselves? We have a lot on their plates: kids, careers, romance, health . . . the list goes on and on. We’re supposed to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, have incredible sex with our partners, get the laundry and housework done, have healthy, accomplished kids, and a tight butt and perky boobs to boot. We feel like we’re supposed to enjoy being pulled in a million directions at the same time. And that we’re supposed to be as flexible as Gumby on muscle relaxers. But we’re only human.

What would happen if we gave ourselves a break?

To get started, see if any of these Top Three Big Fat Lies sound familiar and then go easy on yourself by tapping into the truth:  

1. I’m a failure (can also show up as I’m a terrible mother, I suck at motherhood.): This Big Fat Lie is pandemic among nearly every mom I’ve talked to. The truth is that we all have moments of failing as moms (you know like when your kid spills milk and you completely loose it because you’ve had the worst day filled with traffic jams, a failed bake sale fundraiser and your mate just called to say he’s working late…again), but that does NOT make us a failure. Winston Churchill put it brilliantly when he said, “Success is leaping from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” I would add that to be a successful parent, success is leaping from mistake to mistake without loss of compassion. So, why not get your compassion on?!

2. ___________ is a way better mom than me (can also show up as I’m a way better mom than _________.): The comparison game amongst moms can be intense and grueling. We can feel like we never quite measure up and develop a serious inferiority complex or we can turn the tables and find our Inner Critics telling us that we are a far better mom, creating a superiority complex. Either way, the comparison game is a losing one. The truth is that this isn’t a contest…and it’s time to put your focus on being the best mom you can be and leave others out of it.

3. Taking care of myself is selfish (can also show up as self‐care just isn’t a priority.): This lie is one of the biggest traps moms fall into, leading to overwhelm, depression and downright resentment. When we put our own well‐being first, we are more able to be there for others. I know how hard it can be to carve out personal time. . .boy, do I know! But it is vital to do so to be a present and caring mom. By deciding to take responsibility for your self‐care, you are giving yourself the opportunity to be a good parent, friend, partner, sibling, and/or coworker. Why not get started with simply 1 hour/week of ME TIME and ease your way up? The more you recognize your negative self‐talk as Big Fat Lies and tap more into the compassionate truth, the more you’ll increase self‐love, self‐esteem and self‐respect. And what better gift can we give our kids than to model that?


Join Amy Ahlers for the Exposing the Big Fat Lies Summit in which 21 world-class experts disclose their secrets and share like you’ve never heard them before … really!

Relatonships: Sex Is Different for Women in Their 40s

Pat Love

This is the second post featuring Pat Love, an aptly-named expert on relationships and author of many books including “Hot Monogamy” with Jo, and “The Truth About Love.” In a recent interview, we talked about how sex changes for many women in their 40s.


PAT LOVE: Two-thirds of women don't feel like having sex until orgasm is imminent. Right before orgasm, you think, "Oh this is so much fun, I'm going to do it again, why did I wait so long?" you know, you do that little mantra to yourself. And once you have an orgasm, you have lots of memories.

In fact, I was asked at the Lake Austin Spa, which is a wonderful world-class spa where I was speaking, and I was talking on the subject of sex over 40, and I got to thinking about it, and I thought, sex before 40, is not as relevant, as distinct as sex after 40. Because being with the same person has a lot more parameters and consequences than sex after 40, because whether you're 40 or 50 or 70 or 20, you've been dealt this hand of hormones, and I was so it's not like, "I was so sexy in my 20's or 30's and it's going to go downhill." It's not like that at all. You've been dealt a hand of hormones. And whether you're more estrogen-dominant or testosterone dominant, it’s going to determine your walking-around physical urge to engage in sex. I talked to six women. One high-testosterone woman was saying, "When my husband and I get really bitchy at each other, I realize, hey, we need to go to bed." And the other says, "Well how can have sex with him when you're mad at him?" and she says, "Well, honey, that's what makes it better!" That's a high testosterone woman; you can just see it too. They look different.

But you know most women they try to understand their sexuality in their 40's, you have new relationships ... because there are two types of people in the world. There are the autogenic and the psychogenic pathways to arousal. The autogenic is that person that walks around with a sex-ready body. It's the more testosterone dominant hormone hand. These are the nice guys, the sensitive guys, the very emotional guys, the guys who like to talk about feelings, I'm not talking about gay, I'm talking heterosexual: they're more estrogen dominant, and they have the psychogenic arousal pattern. They do need the contact. They want to talk, they want to be close, they have to have affection, and they have to have their stress lowered.

In your 40's, you start to get more curious, a lot of tasks are already done, you have time for yourself, and you're still young, and you might feel frisky and you want that romance, or you want sexual passion, and you start to be investigative. And you're still menstruating, so maybe you have these little bumps in elevation around sex drive and you want that to be there all the time, and you're wondering where the female Viagra is.

And so I think there’s a lot of sexual curiosity, and a lot of sexual unrest and sexual dissatisfaction in your 40's. One because you have time to think about it, and two you've been with someone you've probably had 10 years of complaints by now, and that is a complaint by women in their 40's. And most women when they get to gather, they talk about, "Ain't it awful, why does he want sex?" if you're in a heterosexual relationship, "Why does he want sex more than I do and it's all he thinks about?" But then you have that girlfriend or two who says "Well, I'm the one who wants sex more, and I get my feelings hurt and I don't feel attractive, because my partner doesn't desire sex like I do." Opposites attract, not just with sex drive, it's personality characteristics. They go with the sex drive, with the hormones.

VANESSA: A tantra class probably has a lot more 40-year-old people in it than 20-year-old people.

PAT: Yes it does. I think part of it is that you're more confident and you're proactive, and you still feel young in your body, and you're not ashamed of your body, gravity hasn't taken over, and, age spots, and all those ugly things that you just get later. I think it's a fantastic decade for women, and I think we could argue it's one of the best decades, because 40 is still young. ... What I would hope that women in their late 30's would start buying this, so they can really see what the roadmap would be.

Relationships: Write out Mr. Wrong & Create Your Own Happy Ending

Amy Beth O’Brien’s friends think she watches a few too many movies, but she just may be on to something. O’Brien, author of "Stuck with Mr. Wrong? Ten Steps to Starring in your own Life Story," suggests that women look at their relationships through a different lens.

“Are you playing the role of the victim, or are you the inspirational character?” asks O’Brien. “If your life were playing out on the big screen, would you want to stand up and cheer, or leave the theater in frustration?”

“Everyone loves the movies,” said O’Brien. “We get to lose ourselves in a story and live vicariously through the main character. I encourage women to be the main character in their own life story by stepping into their starring role as leading lady and stop playing extra or best supporting actress to someone else.”

Her steps include:

• Embrace Your Inner Screenwriter – Do you view change as though you were living in a horror movie? Every woman has some version of the story they want to live. You can write your script based on fears of what would happen if you made any changes or out of faith that taking control of your life, and being your most authentic self, is the best story you could ever write.
• Listen to Your Director – Like Dorothy, do you feel like you are stuck in Oz, wondering how to get back home? When the story seems to take a wrong turn, your director, like the Good Witch of the North, guides you to make the best choices that put you back on track. Listening to your director means understanding that your intuition is your best friend and guide.
• Pick your Princess but Pick her Well – Wish life were like a fairy tale? You may know that Cinderella was just a story, but who hasn’t at one time or another wished for a fairy godmother? A true princess rescues herself.

“Your dreams, values, passions, and creativity are meant to be expressed,” O’Brien added. “Relationships may challenge us, but they should never turn us into people we are not, suppress our talents, or squelch our dreams and desires. I encourage women to stop acting — to stop conforming to another person’s tastes, keeping silent when they have something to say, compromising their spirit, or staying in a bad situation out of fear. Move forward with faith toward the life of your dreams.”

Stuck with Mr. Wrong contains 100 tips for becoming a star in your own life and a free journal.

Relationships: How to Meet and Marry the Man of Your Dreams - When You're All Grown Up

Today's post comes from Ann Blumenthal Jacobs, Patricia Ryan Lampl, and Tish Rabe, authors of "Love for Grown Ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life."

It’s a wonderful feeling to discover in your 40’s that falling in love can be just as exciting, passionate, fun and sexy as falling in love in your 20’s.

In our new book, "Love for Grown-ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life," we give our readers lots of practical field-tested advice on how to meet Mr. Right, marry and find life-long happiness.

We call ourselves the Garter Brides. Why? Because two of the authors of our book wore the same garter at their weddings and went on to share it with mature brides across the country and all of the Garter Brides got married after their 35th birthdays had come ... and gone.

So, how do you meet the man of your dreams when you are 40+?

The Garter Brides urge you to be open to meeting someone new. If you have had disappointments in love in the past, leave them in the past. Look at every date as a new possibility.

Look at finding a mate the way you would look at finding a job. Let all your friends, especially your married friends, know you are actively looking to meet someone.

Remember the perfect partner may not look perfect on paper. Just because he doesn’t match every characteristic on the “list” your hold in your head and your heart doesn’t mean he’s wrong for you. The Garter Brides will tell you that the “morning people” marry the “night people”, the “neat people” marry the “messy people”, the “shy people” marry the “party animals” and somehow it all works out!

Consider blind dates “first dates”. Blind dates have gotten a bad rap over the years, but two of the authors of our book, and many of the other Garter Brides, met their husbands on blind dates so do something fun and give him a chance. Don’t think about marriage, just relax and have a good time and remember nobody’s perfect- even the fabulous you!

Know that happiness is contagious. The powerful, positive energy of happiness radiates to others and is highly attractive so be sure and do things that make you happy. One of the Garter Brides decided to take flying lessons and married her flight instructor!

Be sure and keep the first date just about the two of you. There is no reason to bring up stories about your aging parents, your teenager’s moodiness or to bash your ex. Just have fun and get to know each other. As the Garter Brides always say: “One date can change your life.”

Share your stories with us at Facebook.com/thegarterbrides.

We look forward to learning more about you. And remember: it’s never too late to find true love.

Spirit: What Are Your Core Values?

Pat Love

When I mentioned my blog and forthcoming book to my cousin Jo Robinson, who is a rock star in the health and relationship writing arena, she said I absolutely must talk to Pat Love. And she was right, because after we spoke, I realized that the work Love is doing is the lynchpin to what we’re navigating as 40licious women. The aptly-named Love is an expert on relationships and authored many books including “Hot Monogamy” with Jo, and “The Truth About Love.” Her new book, "Never be Lonely Again: the Way Out of Isolation, Emptiness, and a Life Unfulfilled" takes cues from the Dalai Lama and asks readers to address a basic question: “Who am I”?

The next few posts will be pearls of wisdom from my interview with Love. I hope you find them as insightful as I do.

Vanessa: What are you seeing in relationships for women in their 40s?
Pat: It's interesting I just spoke with a group of 40-something group of women on Saturday in a small group, spa setting. It was an exclusive group and they asked me to talk about sex over 40.

V: We love that.
P: So if I had to make some generalizations, I'd would say, in their 40's, women come up for air. At this point, they've launched the activities that involve major tasks in life. If they wanted to have children, they've probably done that, or taken the means to make that happen. They've launched some kind of a job or career or some kind of a work history. They've probably tried a love relationship or two. I think what happens in your 40's is you become consciously aware that "I'm a person too" and you start asking the question, "Who am I?"

In fact I had a woman in my office just yesterday, a couple, actually, and she was just approaching 40. And I asked a question, "What are your core values?" In other words, "When you're dead and gone, how do you want the people you love to remember you: your children, your friends," and she teared up and she couldn't answer the question. It's a very thought-provoking question.

To be honest with you, I'm not sure I had a conscious thought 'til I was close to 40. But somehow, and maybe this is projection, because of the biological imperative that's built into our bodies, 40-something is the first time you might get to think about yourself, and I think that's a major life task of your 40's. And I think that's a major life task of your 40s. And so I don't know if that's an answer that you're seeing. To think about yourself might be, "Well, I'm not really interested in sex, and why should I have sex if I'd don't feel like having sex, and yet, it's a deal-breaker with my partner, OK, I've gotta figure out a way to feel sexier and more motivated," or, "You know what? I'm tired of working for somebody, I want to work for myself," or "Now that I have my teenagers at least I have part of my day" if it's a stay at home mom, "I can do something, and maybe this is the time I'll go back to school, or whatever feels right."

PLEASE COMMENT: What are your core values? What actions do you take to demonstrate your personal "brand" to the world?

Relationships: Who's Got Your Back?

Yesterday I took a few hours off from the most adorable child in the universe to visit one of my favorite LA spots, Wi Spa, a traditional Korean bathhouse. After soaking in various hot tubs and resting in rooms heated to 135 degrees or more, I got the scrub. For those who have never had the unique pleasure: For $30, a woman wearing only a black bra and panties will use a rough webbed glove, which we will call the Mitten from Hell, to exfoliate your skin. Every single inch of it as you lie on a vinyl covered table, watching the dead skin roll off with each pass of the Mitten. You emerge, new and soft and clean and ready to take on your life again.

There are babies and grannies and everyone in between at these places. As I was lounging in a tub, I noticed pairs of old women helping each other in and out of the pools and saunas, and taking turns scrubbing each other with their own personal Mittens from Hell. I made a mental list of potential girlfriends who would trade back scrubs with me when we are 70licious.

If you ever want to know who is in your largest circle of friends, have a life event -- a wedding, a baby, a major illness, that kind of thing. But if you want to know who your dearest circle is, imagine who is most likely to scrub your back when you are 75, when the babies are off and gone, when the wedding pictures have faded, when the illness has left its faint scars.

Relationships: Women in Their 40s Have More Orgasms

Fake it 'til you make it, baby!

As if you needed another reason to be grateful for your 40licious years, a roundup article on orgasms in EmpowHer give us this: "Orgasm gets better with age. ... the quality and frequency of orgasm may actually improve with age. While 61 percent of women ages 18 to 24 experienced orgasm the last time they had sex, 65 percent of women in their 30s did and about 70 percent of women in their 40s and 50s did.”

Have you had yours today?

Relationships: Women Marrying Later and Divorcing Less

It was worth waiting for the best guy in the world.

I've always felt more outsider than insider: professionally I freelanced for about 20 years before I ever took the corporate job. My clothes are from thrift stores and funky boutiques; I'm not really a Macy's girl. My family is about as far from normal as you can get. And when it comes to marriage, I waited until 42 to sign my name on a paper and pledge to be the best girlfriend ever -- forever. 

I was the only one I knew who took this long to get that ring on (I was dead last in my class to get married, which caused endless hilarity at our 20-year reunion), it appears this could be a trend. According to a post in Strollerderby, more women and marrying later and divorcing less.  

Maybe it's because we skipped the starter marriage, or maybe it's because we're better tuned in to what we want in a partner and how to compromise in a relationship. In any event, it's nice to know we're keeping it together, 40licious style.

Relationships: More Women in Their 40s Don't Have Children

The New York Times relayed a telling Census figure: 19 percent of women in their 40s are without children, up from 10 percent in 1976.

According to the Times, an eduction and career come first for many women. What the story doesn't talk about is how many of us kept putting off having a family without realizing that the urge to bear children might twilight, or maybe biology would become a powerful master.

If you didn't have children, why not?

Relationships: Women in China Waiting Until Their 40s to Get Married

My mother took this picture of the happiest bride ever dancing. That would be me.

As a person who came very late to my first marriage, this story in the China Daily caught my eye. Apparently a growing percentage of women in China are rocking it so hard at work, that they are delaying marriage until well into their 40s.

I can't say I had that amazing a career and that's why it took me so long. The men I didn't want to marry were throwing sparkly rings at me. The men I would have thrown myself in front of a train for a teeny weeny "I do" had no such similar ideas.

Or maybe, it took me until I was 40licious to be able to offer all the good things about myself to another person, and hopefully, leave the bad behind.

COMMENT: If you are 40licious and single, is it by choice? If not, what's been the issue, do you think?

Sex: Sex Gets Better with Age for Women in Their 40s

We're lucky to have Dr. Yvonne Fulbright, a sexologist from Iceland, help us with today's  Q & A on one of our favorite subjects -- you guessed it  -- sex! And being that she's the ambassador for a personal lubrication product, we are also giving away Astroglide to the five people who provide the best 40licious sex tips in the comments section.

Dr. Fulbright is  the author of several books, including Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover, Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots and The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking, as well as co-author of Your Orgasmic Pregnancy: Little Sex Secrets Every Hot Mama Should Know.

Dr. Yvonne Albright. Wouldn't you just love telling people you're a sexologist when they ask what you do for a living?

1. How does sex generally change for women in their 40s?
Research on women ages 35-49 has revealed that the majority are interested in maintaining a healthy sex life, with over half having sex at least once per week. About half are also initiating sex with their partners and enjoying sexual activity. From the “Sex in America” report to Shere Hite’s research to Gina Ogden’s “Heart & Soul of Sex” research, we’re constantly being reminded that women are often very sexually piqued. They want sex; they love sex; they desire sexual intimacy. Many want sex more than their partner does. Approaching 40 or entering the fifth decade of her life does not slow her down sexually, as is widely believed.

One of the reasons for this is that sex, for many, gets better with age. Her ideas about sex have evolved. Sex isn’t just about having sex – going all the way – it’s an experience that’s about her mind-body-soul connection, whether she and her lover get carnal or spiritual. It’s about the energy exchange, a celebration of the union and the pursuit of every pleasure the moment can offer.

Between popular press articles, personal experience, shows like “Sex & the City” and sex books, she’s also more informed and feeling more empowered in the sack as such. She’s comfortable being sexually creative, and feeling much more sexually mature than younger women. With more open discussions about sexual exploration, she’s more willing to role-play, share fantasies, try sex toys, vamp up her look, attempt erotic talk, seduce her partner… She recognizes the importance of maintaining passion and keeping things hot and fresh in and out of the bedroom – and she’s making the effort to realize such.
 
2. Are there any hormonal shifts we should be aware of? How do they manifest?
About four to eight years before the onset of menopause, about 90 percent of women experience a change in their menstrual cycle, e.g., lighter or heavier bleeding. Other symptoms of hormone shifts may include hot flashes, sleep disturbances, headaches, dry-eye syndrome, and unwanted hair. As a consequence, some may find themselves avoiding sexual activity.

3. What makes the difference between regular sex and swinging-from-the-chandelier sex?
There are a couple of major things going on. First, she’s connected to herself and her partner. She feels good about her partnership, which is one of the reasons she’s still sexually piquing at this time. She has fewer insecurities, and is feeling more confident in being more accepting of her body and the woman she has become, especially if she has had a child. She’s more sure of her sensuality and able to tap her sensual core. She has a better understanding of sexual intimacy and meeting her needs.

Second, changes are going on at midlife that invite more sexual opportunities. Many women are reconnecting with their partners as their children grow into ages where they’re more independent and there are more opportunities for a mom and her lover to be sexually active.

Some are re-entering the dating pool, and with that embracing their sexuality in a whole new way. Between new beginnings, being in a healthier place, and embracing new opportunities, these women are tuning into their sexuality in a whole new way.

4. Anything else you'd like to share about 40licious sex?
Pre-menopausal women still need to worry about birth control, since women over 35 are second behind teenagers in the U.S. when it comes to the most unplanned pregnancies. A major reason for this is that they’re having more sex than what we give them credit for. So for those not wanting to get pregnant, it’s important for them to talk to their doctors about their contraceptive options. Since the availability of the birth control pill, research has consistently found that women who don’t have to worry about pregnancy report better, less inhibited sex.

COMMENT: WHAT'S YOUR 40LICIOUS SEX TIP? FIRST FIVE GOOD ONES WIN SOME FREE ASTROGLIDE

40licous Relationships: Turning Around a Bad Relationship

If you do something long enough, it becomes rote. That might be good if you're mastering the violin, but not so good if you're staying in a stale, joyless, loveless relationship, or feeling spiritually bereft. Today's insight comes from therapist Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT, CIT, CFT. Her practice, Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, specializes in working with couples to help them succeed in their relationship. Her operating principle: People have the ability to change and that they can achieve their fullest potential given the right conditions. They can create the right condition for themselves, and therefore, their relationships.

 

Emma K. Viglucci helps couples re-discover joy.

1. Are there any common themes you are seeing in your practice for women in their 40s?

Women in their 40s are dealing with many issues ranging from experiencing a decline in youthfulness to relationship crisis. I have found two prevalent themes in my practice: The first is women trying to get pregnant for the first time and having difficulties conceiving. In our modern age women are focusing more and more on career success and having financial independence leaving their personal lives on the back burner until their biological clock starts pounding. By the time they are ready to start a family, they are engrossed in career development and success. They are very busy, stressed out, and emotionally and physically depleted. Now is their body, including their reproductive system, not only getting older but it's not in great shape to create another life. Add to this their lifestyle - hectic and out of balance, and their relationship state, usually neglected by now unless it's a fairly new one. There is no room for a baby here - not for nothing they are not getting pregnant.

The work to be done in this situation is to bring everything into more balance: body, routine, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics. A lot of TLC is in order.

The second theme I find very common in my practice at this age is women dealing with their husband's midlife crisis. The husbands are questioning if marriage is for them, if they married the right person, if they want to stay married to them, and they are wondering about commitment, loyalty and faithfulness. This throws a wrench into their couplehood and it is very challenging to navigate as it hits the partners' core in terms of their emotional safety and security. Their future is uncertain and their bond is tenuous. This is very painful and creates a lot of insecurities hitting the partners' self esteem and sense of self worth. Their personal and couple identities are shattered and their life as they know it is turned up side down.

The work to be done in this situation is for each partner to explore the meaning of their situation for themselves, their own wishes and needs, and accept each other's world, perspective, even if they don't like or agree with it. From a place of acceptance and understanding, the partners can renegotiate their relationship and come up with a structure that meets both their needs as best as possible. 

2. What hurdles are couples most successful at overcoming?

Regardless of the themes or issues couples present with when they come to my practice, the common denominator in terms of their complaint is usually feeling disconnected and fighting a lot. These are the hurdles they are the most successful at overcoming as well. The work has a pretty good success rate in addressing this. Couples get very good at communicating, addressing concerns from an empowered state, learning how to get their needs met and creating a more happy and successful relationship. Their continued attention to what created the dissatisfying repeating cycle and dynamic is paramount to their continued individual growth and healing and their general couple wellbeing.

3. What are dealbreakers? When should a woman leave a relationship?

Couples do all kinds of funky behavior in their relationship and create a unique way of relating. It is up to the partners what behavior is acceptable and tolerable to them. Some partners have a much higher tolerance level for inappropriate, disrespectful, boundary crossing, and harmful behavior than others. This is a unique formula for each couple. One behavior that should not be tolerated period is physical harm. When in danger, get the heck out! The rest can be addressed, worked on and hopefully changed over time.

The lack of progress and change over time can also be a deal breaker, and the length of time acceptable to each partner to continue to try is up to their endurance and resilience.

The work should focus on becoming healthily interdependent where both partners' needs are consistently met and they have balance between their individuality and couplehood.

4. What are three things a woman can do to improve her relationship right now?

To have a wonderful life and great relationship a woman needs to own herself. If she operates from her Authentic Self and woks on responsibly taking care of herself life becomes a lot easier. Here are three things she can do to improve her relationship right now:

• Pick an item that's an issue and set clear boundaries around it getting your needs met - speak with I-statements, such as "I feel angry when you are late," rather than "You are always late."
• Own your sexuality and femininity: Wear feminine clothes and dress up when going out; seduce your partner, flirt and tease; initiate physical intimacy 
• Throw your partner a bone - give in to a request that may not be at the top of your list, but that won't kill you to try either 

5. Anything else we should know?

Yes! Women can accept their maturing process gracefully without taking a beating to their self esteem. We can defy aging as we know it by enhancing our beauty from the inside out:

• Keeping a healthy and clean lifestyle assists the body by lowering its toxic burden and enhancing its detoxification process keeping the body from breaking down, or aging too quickly. Resources for this include the Clean: The Revolutionary Program to Restore the Body's Natural Ability to Heal Itself and website by Alejandro Junger; and the book Revive by Frank Lipman.

• Embracing a mindfulness practice allows the mind to become more quite and alert, reduces stress and its impact, integrates the brain for increased resources, and enhances the quality of life by bringing inner peace and joy. From this state the journey of life is effortless. For more, read Mindsight by Daniel Siegel, visit the yoga lifestyle site Wailana.com, or try the guided meditation CD Guided Mindful Meditations.

• Continuing an ongoing effort to grow and heal our emotional self and bringing our Authentic Self to come out and play. Read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, Healing Your Emotional SelfHealing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel.

• Reading a number of other books that will help with discovery of the Authentic Self

• Learning about relationship processes and skills and using them consistently to enhance their relationship. There are lots of resources here.

COMMENT: What are some things you've done to get your through the rocky times?

40licious Relationships: Embracing Your Accidental Adult

Author Colin Sokolowski. Cute, right?

We'll go into our weekend with some deep insights about bridging the gap from being a fun kid to growing up into a boring, stuffy adult. Colin Sokolowski, can’t tell the difference between a Chianti or a Cabernet, and he really doesn’t care. He's the author of The Accidental Adult: Essays and Advice for the Reluctantly Responsible and Marginally Mature. He lives with his wife (who must be a complete saint) in St. Paul, Minn., and gives scooter rides to their three children. You can read about his reluctant journey into adulthood here and be his Facebook friend.

1. You can put off growing up for only so long, and women at 40 and beyond have really no excuse not to be grown up. Jobs, families, retirement accounts, it's all so much! How can we retain the irresponsibility of youth but keep it all together?

I think we all need to master the art of caring less without becoming careless. I’d never advocate blowing off life’s responsibilities – and most women wouldn’t listen if I did. Instead, go about your day’s activities (job, family, friends) but also nurture an inner monologue that continually reminds you that you may appear to be an assimilated adult, but inside you’re not really one of them. You might have to act like you really care about your child’s PTA fundraiser, but you know deep inside you’d rather be organizing a trip to wine country. And that’s OK.

And please. Never, ever slip on those super comfy Mom Jeans. And if you overhear someone referring to you as a MILF, don’t be offended. That’s a compliment. A huge compliment.


2. What advice would you give to a 40licious woman who wants to play hooky from work and home one day? How should she make the most of that 10 hours?

If you’re talking about my wife, I’m not sure I support this radical idea. But for other women, I’d say don’t do anything for anyone else – family, friends, co-workers. Women who spend their day off grocery shopping, writing invitations to a six-year-old’s birthday party or buying their husband socks aren’t really addressing their own needs. I know plenty of women who’d say, “But I enjoy doing those things for my family.” Sure. But is that really “free time?” I’d bet a good book, or a massage, or a wine-infused lunch with friends can nourish the soul just as well. Probably better. Again, that’s unless we’re talking about my wife. In which case, I could use some socks.

3. We loved the man-boy in our 20s and maybe even a little in our 30s because he was so fun and played guitar and took us cow tipping and we could go drinking at lunch together. But honestly, at 40licious, we're a little tired of him. We don't need an extra kid. Discuss.

No one wants to feel like they’re hitched to a slouch. But on the other hand, is your man the guy whose tools are alphabetized in the garage? He may have a better grasp of classic male adulthood than me, but if he’s forgotten the best quotes from “Caddyshack” and doesn’t remember how to tap a keg of beer, he doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun to me.

I really caution women against elevating that typically responsible, all-knowing man. Sounds more like a father than a fun life-partner. Those men are the classic assimilated adults – people who seem to breeze through life without the slightest air of uncertainty about them. They’re professional adults who have embraced all the trappings. They know what kind of mileage their car gets. They understand their credit score. That’s just never been me. No one asks me to help them install a kitchen sink. I don’t get golf invitations anymore for two reasons: I suck, and I think that it’s funny that I suck.

Accidental adults might not always inflate the tires before a roadtrip, but I guarantee you we’ll take you on a fun (and marginally responsible) ride.


4. Do you have some care and feeding tips for those of us who are lucky/unlucky enough to be partnered with a man-boy?

The worst thing you can do is expect him to buy into assimilated adulthood. That means he gets a free pass when drinking beer at the fancy dinner party or clamming up when the conversation turns to the subprime mortgage crisis. Instead congratulate him for properly answering the rarest music trivia questions correctly to the astonishment and delight of the adult guests. He’s just playing to his strength.

Same goes for women who are accidental adults. Don’t beat yourself up over sending your nine-year-old daughter to the neighbor’s house to borrow a bottle of wine. Or when you forget to leave money for the tooth fairy (two nights in a row). Or when you’re short on cash, and you “borrow” some from your grade-schooler’s piggy bank on your rush out the door.

Life’s too short to worry about projecting the perfectly adult appearance at all times.


5. What's the cutoff point where someone needs to get a "real job" or just end up like my Uncle Seamus?

I’ve never been one of those “Let’s backpack Europe for 18 months before figuring out a career” types. So I can’t really relate to the 25-year-old dude who sleeps on the couch until noon. I’ve had fairly responsible jobs from age 22 to today, but I’ve always felt I was the youngest person in the board room. And I usually am, even now into my early 40s. That makes me feel more connected to a fun, youthful and carefree spirit. Accidental adults hold serious jobs, but they realize they’re just playing a role, and they’re not letting the job play them.

READ AN EXCERPT OF THE ACCIDENTAL ADULT

40licious Relationships: Women Fall for Men Who Play 'Hard to Get'

Lucy, give it up. He's just not that into you.

A few years ago, I was embarrassingly besotted with an adorable Englishman who was in a Famous Band. Never mind that he was a hopeless alcoholic, had custody issues and was openly pining for his baby mama. He was charmingly elusive. Which made him even more desirable, as I felt I had to work to earn his attention. Which I got, sometimes, when I became elusive too. Of course this turned out to be a complete romantic flop, and I soon met the very good, accessible and emotionally intelligent man who became my husband.

So now there's this new study that reveals what many of us already know: There's scientific proof that women tend to fall for the guy who is wobbly in his affections, the one who plays hard to get. The article in Science Daily says: "As other research has found, women who believed the men liked them a lot were more attracted to the men than women who thought the men liked them only an average amount. However, the women who found the men most attractive were the ones who weren't sure whether those men were into them or not."

The study was done with undergrads, who tend to skew in their teens and 20s, so here is what I would hope 40licious women everywhere have learned: Don't waste your time on the guy who is not into you. You will know if he likes you because he will seek you out and send you sweet texts and keep asking when he can see you next, and then actually keep the date. If he's a contender, he will call you if he's traveling, working, with his kids or having open heart surgery. Your man will want you with him, no matter how complicated his life is.

Need a reminder primer? He's Just Not That Into You was one of the most important books I'd ever read and goes into a great deal of guy psyche. (Don't bother so much with the movie.)

You've got better things to do than wonder if someone wants to wake up with you every morning for the rest of his life. Like hang out with your friends, enhance your career, launch your business, hike with your dog, call your mother, have tea with the elderly neighbor, and save the little corner of your own world.

40licious Relationships: How to Save Your Marriage and Be Happy

Author Alisa Bowman went from planning her very-much-alive husband's funeral to falling back in love with him.

"I had married the right person. Ditching him was not the solution. And I was the source of a lot of our problems. I had issues with assertiveness. Once I learned how to be assertive, my marriage transformed."

Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir about how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love. She’s also the creator of ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com, a gathering spot for recovering divorce daydreamers. The 40s seems to be a real turning point in many marriages, so I thought Alisa would be a great source of wisdom for us.

1. You've become a "happy marriage" expert. What are the three most important things people should keep in mind for a blissful union?

1. Accept that a good marriage requires effort. Many people make the mistake of believing the following myth: If I marry the right person, marriage will be effortless. This just isn’t true. You are two different people with two different brains, two different nervous systems, and two different sets of values, habits, opinions and ideas. There will be times when you are not in sync. There will also be times when outside stressors—health problems, job loss, financial issues, meddling inlaws and more—force you to grow. Growth is hard, and most of us try to avoid it. Yet, if you try to avoid it, your marriage will suffer.
2. Learn how to be assertive without being aggressive. Effective communication can help you navigate every relationship in your life—including the one you have with your spouse. Learn how to ask for what you want succinctly, without blame and with a positive tone of voice. Good communication is the foundation that solves all marital ills.
3. Focus on solutions rather than dead ends. It’s natural to feel frustrated when things don’t go our way. Yet anger, resentment and frustration don’t solve problems. Solve marital problems using the scientific method. Try one solution. Test it. See if it works. Then try another. Eventually one will work.

2. How is marriage different for someone in her 40s than, say, in her 20s or 60s?

I think of the 40s (and 50s) as the transition between youth and old age. These are the decades when you are aware that you are aging and that your youthfulness is slipping away.

These are also the decades when most of us are at the height of our careers. We’re the most confident we’ve ever been about our abilities. No longer are we the “young green” person at work. We’re the experienced employee that people rely on.

These two factors can work together to make a marriage quite vulnerable. I know many women who were very happily married until their 40s. Then, suddenly, they found themselves struggling with attraction to men who were not their husbands. They craved romance, affection, and attention—and they were not getting it at home. I often tell folks who develop the Mid Life Wandering Eye that they must recommit themselves to their marriages all over again. They also must rediscover their spouses all over again. And they must teach their spouses to give them what they seek: attention, romance and affection.


3. Marriage seems more complicated these days. There are step children and exes and lots of family configurations. How to stay sane?

You navigate these issues the same way you navigate all life issues: an open mind, a dose of creativity, and lots of problem solving and communication. Let go of your idea of how life “should” be, how people “should” behave, and how you “should” be treated. Shoulds and reality usually don’t intersect. And once you break out of your “should” thinking, you will open yourself up to lots of other workable possibilities.

4. How do you save a marriage that's gone stale after many years? Why not just start over?

You could start over, and many people do. The problem with that approach, however, is that you will probably end up in the same place. Statistics bear this out. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than that of first marriages. And the divorce rate for third marriages is even higher than that of second marriages. It might seem as if swapping spouses is the solution. Chances are, however, the real change needs to happen inside of you. As a good friend once told me, “You can work on your stuff with your husband. Or you can work on your stuff with your next husband. Either way, you’re going to end up working on your stuff.”

Starting over is a way of procrastination. It’s a way of delaying in inevitable. You can grow into a better, stronger, happier, more complete person now. Or you can do it in your next marriage. It’s your choice.

So if your marriage is “stale,” become the exciting spark that your marriage needs. Be the change you want to see in your marriage. Initiate more conversations. Suggest activities you can do together. Surprise your spouse in the bedroom.

Take the initiative. You just might find that solving the problem of a stale marriage has very little to do with your spouse and everything to do with you.


5. Why did you start Project Happily Ever After?

My marriage was once so bad that I planned my husband’s funeral on the off chance he might conveniently drop dead. During that time, I bought into all of the myths that I mentioned here. I thought that the only solution was to ditch the husband. I thought that I’d married the wrong person. I thought he was the source of all of our problems.

You know what? None of that was true. I had married the right person. Ditching him was not the solution.

And I was the source of a lot of our problems. I had issues with assertiveness. Once I learned how to be assertive, my marriage transformed.

As my marriage improved, I began talking about marriage with others. Those connections made me realize how alone people felt. So I started blogging about it. Then I started writing a book about my experience, too. The result is ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com and the memoir Project: Happily Ever After.


6. Anything else you'd like to add?

When people struggle in marriage, they tend to feel alone. They feel like losers and failures. I want them to know that they are not losers or failures, and they are not alone. There are lots of recovering divorce daydreamers out there! You really are normal. Marriage is a challenge—one that few people talk about. It has many wonderful benefits, and, if you keep working at it, those benefits far outweigh the hard times. Most couples who have been married 40, 50, 60 or more years tell me that they went through some incredible rough patches along the way, but they do not regret staying together. They say that marriage is worth it. And I agree.

COMMENTS: How do you keep your marriage going when it seems like all is lost?

Order Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters

40licious Relationships: Surviving Divorce After 40

On the emotional trauma scale, divorce is up there around death of a loved one, or having your best bra eaten by a Chihuahua. Erica Manfred, author of “He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40,” says that getting a divorce in your 40s or later has a uniquely different impact than on someone younger, who might be able to start over more easily.

A lot of women in their 40s have passed the window where they want to have more – or any – children. Those who stayed home during their marriages may have a lot of catch-up to do for their careers. “You lose your dream of having a family and marching into the sunset with the father of your children,” she says.


In her book, Manfred offers practical advice a in a girlfriend-to-girlfriend tone that helps sort out the mental chaos that accompanies a divorce. There are three basic steps women can take to help them move forward, she says, especially when the divorce isn't a friendly or gracious one.

1. Grieve. People may push you to start dating, and to move on. Sometimes it takes a long time, and you’ll know when you’re ready. “Let yourself heal in your own time,” she says.

2. Get moving. “Yoga, dance, bicycling, anything that gets your endorphins going,” she says. Exercise will keep you from falling apart physically, and mentally, she says, “it’s better than alcohol. “

3. Go to therapy. While surrounding yourself with good friends is essential, you’ll still need a professional on your side. You’ll have a lot of rage and sadness, and if you vent to your kids and enlist them in your own personal army against your ex – the term for it is “parental alienation” – you’ll wind up hurting everyone and may wind up back in court. “If you’re a mature , thinking person you’ll put your kids first,” Manfred says.

Finally, when you’re ready to move on, go for it and get back into the dating world. “When you’re in your 40s, you’re still young,” she says.

How did you get through your divorce?

READ A CHAPTER of He’s History, You’re Not

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