Relationships: Keep Crazy in a Bottle

I was having a conversation today with a friend about jealousy, which brought me back to 1994, the last time I remember being insanely jealous in a relationship. I was dating a wild Irishman who was an outlandish but convincing liar. Like the time he told me he didn't come home because it was raining so hard and the windshield wipers didn't work in his van, so he had to pull to the side of the road and sleep there. All night. There was a Teutonic construction worker in the wings named Monica, and their hushed conversations at parties + his prolonged absences + his short temper with me + rumors about them being together + plus the FEELING that I had about them I knew equaled an affair.

But over and over again he swore that there was nothing going on. Eventually, I took my own lover as a way to soothe the wounds, but not before putting my fist through a window and screaming at him, naked and freezing after I'd gotten out of the shower. At a friend's house. That was low.

Mind you, I am a completely different person now. This was in the Dark Days of Drinking in a small Northwestern town.

After that, I vowed that I would never again allow myself to arrive at a position of jealousy. If I ever felt that again, justified or not, it was not the right relationship for me.

This doesn't mean I haven't felt jealous, or left out, or crazed from non-communication, or a number of other negative emotions since then. But I gained a valuable tool (vicariously from advice a friend's shrink gave her). "Keep crazy in a bottle," the therapist said, when my friend became unglued for whatever offense. You can ramble to your girlfriends or parents or therapist about it, but when confronting the boyfriend, keep it cool. You'll get further and you'll be more productive. You might be wrong. There might be missing information. Regardless, you're in the position of power when you are still.

I'd like to take that shrink's advice one step further. Put crazy in the bottle. And then when you are ready, throw the bottle in the ocean and sail on to calmer shores. You will never need it again.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part IV

She's free.

Yesterday would have been to soon to let her go and tomorrow too late. She was done, her beautiful body broken beyond repair, its parts all worn out. I was not ready to let her go. In between wracking sobs, I kept telling her things I wanted her to have in her mind on her last day. Things I remembered about us -- when we lived together in our cabin in the woods and how we went to the beach every day. She was always the fastest dog on the beach.

Lucy was so well loved. Many vistors come to say goodbye. My beautiful neighbor Kaumudi did an impromptu puja ceremony to pass her to the next place, and to welcome fortune and goodness in her wake. The candles are still burning tonight for our sweet girl.

The mobile vet arrived in green scrubs. He was sweet and took his time and gave us room to nuzzle her fur and tell her our final words. I told Lucy that where she's going is one huge beach, with lots of stairways up to people's yards, and nobody cares if dogs come over. At this place, the squirrels are very slow and sometimes fall out of trees. There is as much ice cream as you want and you never have to fetch anything or take a bath. It's also home to her dog friends Fred and Chloe and Bilbo and Paolo, and my Dad, who could probably use a dog up there.

One injection relaxed her, the pain drifting out of her body. Another slowed her breathing. And she just stopped.

I would bet good money that she's the fastest dog on the beach again.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part III

Somewhere along the way, Cinco and Lucy became best friends.

My girl is shutting down. She ate a little ice cream today, and drank hardly any water. We went outside about 10 times, walking slowly, doing nothing. Two girls, just walking together. Going anywhere. Nowhere.

People are coming to say goodbye to her. She made a lot of friends, this dog. People tell me their stories and they tell me I'm doing the right thing and to be strong. I will be that person on the other side someday, offering my condolences to a raw, aching person like myself right now.

The vet will come tomorrow afternoon. I have learned the code for this type of visit is a "house call." He will administer a shot that will put her in the "twilight." Then a megadose of anesthesia. And she will drift out.

Cinco, her little Chihuahua brother, has become protector. He licks her constantly to make her better. He stands guard and won't let people get too close. In solidarity, he won't eat any food either. He won't leave her side. I take comfort in this. We are a pack.

I spend time curled up in a nest of pillows with her, breathing in the last of her doggie smell. Probably smells like gross old sick dog to everyone else. I reminded her today about the time she ate a whole Easter basket and pooped out pastel foil wrappers for two days after. About the time we flew on a seaplane to the Gulf Islands and I had told the pilot beforehand that she was a lap dog -- I didn't mention she'd take three people's laps though. About the times she'd been attacked by other dogs, and I jumped in to tear those bastards off her. That I would give any piece of blood or bone or flesh from myself to make her better.

When I look at her I think, "She's a perfectly good dog. She's just got all these things wrong with her. But other than that, she's a perfectly good dog."

If you think you have the best dog in the world, I am sorry. You are just wrong. You might have the best dog for your city or state or village or whatever, but Lucy is the best dog in the world. I know this truly. The best. The best. The best dog in the whole world, today, tonight and forever.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part II

I have three years' worth of favorite memories with my husband, and seven months' with my kid. For Lucy, I have 14 years of experience. It's not full of adventure and mishap. It's two friends who lived together and loved each other and went a lot of places. To me, my time with Lu is a novel, a movie, a Bible. She has taught me so many lessons. The most important: Assume everyone you meet will be your best friend, and chances are, they will.

Other times that shine in my Lucy mind:

• When I first got Lucy I was dating a guy who lived on a sailboat. I went down to visit him and Lucy was following me along the maze of marina docks to get to Jeff's boat. When I got there, I realized Lucy was no longer behind me. I backtracked. No Lucy. Then someone said, "is this your dog?" pointing to the water. Why yes, indeed it was. Lucy had somehow toppled over the side and was just dog paddling until I came to fish her out. She hated swimming after that.

• When she was a puppy I used to take her to work in my tiny office in Port Townsend. She would hang out while I wrote stories or matched couples for my dating service, and then we'd go play on the beach for a while. Once she was very, very uncharacteristically quiet and I turned around to see her chewing on my brand new Lord & Taylor chunky-heeled mary jane shoe. I was aghast. "Oh, Lucy," was all I could say, in a throaty, disappointed voice. She looked up, stopped in mid-chew, and never touched a shoe again.

• She used to bark at and try to herd farm animals -- horses, cows, chickens. We once went to visit my friend The Pig Lady and her husband Dan, who raised potbelly pigs. Lucy was chasing around the pigs and freaking them out. Dan gave her a swat, which freaked me out. We loaded up into the truck and drove out for an impromptu camping trip in the woods near a stream. I cried half the way there. Lucy and I did a lot of hiking. She ate a lot of deer poop that trip.

• I once tied Lucy up outside a fancy tearoom in Victoria, went for a quick tour, and came out to find a bunch of Asian tourists crowding around her and taking her picture. I guess they'd never seen a Lucy before.

• When I started my Very Corporate Job at a Very Conservative Company we had a two-day offsite meeting at a fancy hotel. I didn't have anyone who could watch Lucy, so I brought her with me. She became part of the last-day's team-building exercise. This helped to establish that I was the slightly wacky creative person in the office, so that perhaps all rules would not apply.

• Once Lucy and I drove from Los Angeles to Washington's Olympic Peninsula for Thanksgiving. My genius plan was to make the return trip without stopping at a hotel for the night, just napping along the way. Which would have worked except for two things: It is cold as hell is hot in the Siskious in November, and when you turn off the engine, there is no heat. And also, that I am a human being that can't type an email, let alone drive a car, if I haven't had enough sleep. By 2 a.m. it became clear that my plan was a failure, but there were no hotels in sight. So I'd crank the heat until we were baking, pull over, cuddle together in the back of the Prius under my down blanket, and then get up and start all over when frostbite began to set in. During one of those times, we woke up to snapping cold to see that we'd parked under a shimmering Mt. Shasta, glimmering like a giant diamond in the pre-dawn cobalt sky. It was, to this day, the most amazing sight I have ever beheld. I'm so glad Lucy was there to share it.

Lucy is not doing well. She paces around until I let her out, then she strains to pee and poo, then meanders through the bushes in our courtyard until I come to get her. She lies on her bed and sleeps. I lie down next to her and we spoon and she shivers and I cry into her fur and feel her silky ears and try to imagine the moment when she is no longer warm and with us.

I do not know how to say goodbye.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part I

The first time I saw Lucy was in the spring of 1998. She was on a sliver of shoulder on a twisty road. One wrong step would have sent her down a sheer cliff to the frigid waters of Discovery Bay on Washington's Olympic Peninsula.

I slowed down to get a better look at this sleek, quick mutt, a cross between a beagle and a hound. Pretty. Redheaded. But there was no place to pull over for about a mile and when I finally did, I couldn't find any trace of her.

I'd had it in my mind I needed a dog, being an Annie Oakley type all alone in my cabin off the grid in the woods. I wanted a dog who would bark at strangers, retrieve endless tennis balls thrown on the beach, and warm the bed when the small cast-iron stove burned up all its wood.

A month later I went to the pound and lo, there was that same dog from the road. She'd been picked up a couple miles from where I'd seen her. They gave her a name -- Popcorn. For a really good reason. She was super spazzy and just wouldn't be still, jumping around the pen, trying to lift off and take flight when she was on a leash.

Nobody wanted her, she was cute but just too hyper. The pound folks kept her alive much longer than they were supposed to, hoping that someone in need of an uncouth, unschooled 9-month-old puppy with the deepest brown eyes you'd ever seen would need her. They'd waited for me.

I brought her home to my little cabin in the woods, and introduced her to the other residents, cats called Puck and Ajax. The first night we settled down by the fire with Cabernet and rawhide, and she happily drifted to sleep. In the morning I came down from my loft bed and woke her up. She jumped with a slight start, furiously wagged her tail, broke out into a huge doggie smile, and peed a little with excitement. It was, truly, the first day of the rest of our lives together.

I rastled with her wilddog stubborn mind, and we finally came to a compromise on obedience training. That anything she did at my command had to appear as if it were her own idea. She'd hear "come" or "sit" or whatever, look up into the air as if she were contemplating her next move, and then act in her own time. Eventually.

She never fetched one thing her whole life and greeted all strangers (even a burglar) as if she were running for mayor and could she please have their vote. She has always been the best spooner I know, however.

These past couple weeks Lucy's had it rough. She has a tumor growing in her abdomen. It makes it hard for her to pee at her own will, which is humiliating to this dog who had been known to hold it for up to 10 hours on a sailing trip through the San Juan Islands. She has gloppy masses on her body that break open and ooze. Tonight she was on the leash and fell over on her side as her hind legs seized up.

I called the vet and asked what we should be doing, and she suggested a prescription for an anti-inflammatory that might help her swelling and curb the pain.

"One month's worth?" she asked.

"Make it two."

Spirit: Holiday Apologies

I am sorry, friend, that I can't make your holiday thing this year. I can't add one more thing to the calendar for fear of imploding. I love you so much though.

I am sorry, dogs, that I can't take you out at 4 in the morning. Go ahead and pee in the kitchen, see if I care. OK, I do care. But I'm still not taking you out at 4 a.m.

I am sorry, Christmas presents, but if you could please wrap yourselves this year that would go a long way.

I am sorry, housekeeper, that I can't make the place a little easier to work with when you come every two weeks. I would really, really, like to. I might not have the technical knowledge though. I hope you don't leave us because we're too messy.

I am sorry, sweet baby girl, that your clothes, while, clean, are stuffed in your drawer with no apparent organization. I do keep shoes, socks and hats in the bottom, though, if that helps.

I am sorry, husband, that I walk around with mascara smudged under my eyes and my black sweatpants that I originally got for my mom but kept for myself. And that I go to bed much later than you. That is because I am trying to stave off an avalanche of our stuff until every other Wednesday when the housekeeper comes, usually.

I am sorry, shrink, that I stopped going to you after the baby came. I would actually like to speak with you sometimes but I think I should use that money to pay the housekeeper for an extra week.

Here is what I am not sorry about, though. I am not sorry I have an amazing family, a warm cute home albeit small and cluttered, food in the fridge, a smart & talented & beautiful baby, and a husband who brings in a Christmas tree every year without being asked.

Spirit: One Perfect Christmas Thing

The week had been nothing short of hellacious. We were slammed at work with an epic crisis. I somehow ended up taking a 36-hour shift with only a four-hour sleep break. I am not a doctor or firefighter or a coal miner or an air-traffic controller by day, mind you. I work in a grey cubicle. In my extreme exhaustion, I felt unappreciated and undervalued and like the littlest thing could shatter me. Which it did.

Our daycare was closed and I was expected to return to work after said 36-hour shift. I needed something in the office, so I packed up my baby and took her in while I collected my computer so I could work from home and watch Grace. Gracie is a very good baby. She smiles at strangers and hangs out on the floor and plays with her toes and gurgles. Everybody falls madly in love with her, even the guys who work in the TMobile store.

Without going into details, my baby and I were unceremoniously dismissed. A liability, they called it.

I went to the parking lot and cried, feeling like a child scolded for an innocent transgression. Grace wailed all the way home.

That night I had tickets to the Joffrey Nutcracker, where my 10-year-old neighbor/BFF was dancing the part of a Snow Angel. My husband was stuck working, so Gracie and I put on our Christmas best and headed to the ballet.

We sat in the nosebleed section, getting the stink eye from the usher, who made sure I knew that if she cried we'd need to exit. Gracie settled in. The overture began, the lights dimmed, and guests began to arrive at Clara's party. The Snow Queen floated amid sparkly drifts to her King.

Ballet is perfect for a 6-month-old, by the way, as it's all action and music, never a still moment, always changing light and something different to see. Grace was silently entranced on my lap for about 20 minutes, then settled into a deep sleep.

I thought about how my dad used to take me to the ballet and to musical theater -- it was our "thing" together -- and I so wanted to share with him these perfect moments of peace and art and beauty strung together, the twinkling lights of the soul. Wherever he is.

Joffrey Ballet Nutcracker 2008 from Sasha Fornari on Vimeo.

Relationships: How to Meet and Marry the Man of Your Dreams - When You're All Grown Up

Today's post comes from Ann Blumenthal Jacobs, Patricia Ryan Lampl, and Tish Rabe, authors of "Love for Grown Ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life."

It’s a wonderful feeling to discover in your 40’s that falling in love can be just as exciting, passionate, fun and sexy as falling in love in your 20’s.

In our new book, "Love for Grown-ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life," we give our readers lots of practical field-tested advice on how to meet Mr. Right, marry and find life-long happiness.

We call ourselves the Garter Brides. Why? Because two of the authors of our book wore the same garter at their weddings and went on to share it with mature brides across the country and all of the Garter Brides got married after their 35th birthdays had come ... and gone.

So, how do you meet the man of your dreams when you are 40+?

The Garter Brides urge you to be open to meeting someone new. If you have had disappointments in love in the past, leave them in the past. Look at every date as a new possibility.

Look at finding a mate the way you would look at finding a job. Let all your friends, especially your married friends, know you are actively looking to meet someone.

Remember the perfect partner may not look perfect on paper. Just because he doesn’t match every characteristic on the “list” your hold in your head and your heart doesn’t mean he’s wrong for you. The Garter Brides will tell you that the “morning people” marry the “night people”, the “neat people” marry the “messy people”, the “shy people” marry the “party animals” and somehow it all works out!

Consider blind dates “first dates”. Blind dates have gotten a bad rap over the years, but two of the authors of our book, and many of the other Garter Brides, met their husbands on blind dates so do something fun and give him a chance. Don’t think about marriage, just relax and have a good time and remember nobody’s perfect- even the fabulous you!

Know that happiness is contagious. The powerful, positive energy of happiness radiates to others and is highly attractive so be sure and do things that make you happy. One of the Garter Brides decided to take flying lessons and married her flight instructor!

Be sure and keep the first date just about the two of you. There is no reason to bring up stories about your aging parents, your teenager’s moodiness or to bash your ex. Just have fun and get to know each other. As the Garter Brides always say: “One date can change your life.”

Share your stories with us at Facebook.com/thegarterbrides.

We look forward to learning more about you. And remember: it’s never too late to find true love.

This Is What I've Been Doing Since June 7

Letter from a Woman Who Has Wanted a Child for a Long Time

June 7, 2011, 6:30 p.m.

To Our Daughter,

I am writing this on a plane, on my way to see you born. I hope I get there in time to watch you unfold and blossom into the world, a healthy, peaceful little girl. Our daughter. It is such a thrill to write that. Our daughter. I suspect it is a thrill that will never go away.

You are a very special girl. So many people have loved you -- your birth mother, B, and your birth father, B. Your dad and I have wanted you for such a long time. In fact, just last week we told you, "come find us. We'll take it from there." We love you so much already and can't wait to meet you.

I can't wait to find out what's happening. Steve, your dad, was on his way to be with you when I got on the plane.

I am sending a special message to God now, and hopefuly writing it down will be a way from it to come through stronger and clearer.

• May you arrive healthy and happy.
• May you know love and peace from the moment you take your first breath, and forever after that.
• May your angels keep close watch over you, and protect you in a world filled with uncertainty. 
• May we be the best parents for you. We hope you'll never want for anything, that your life will be sunny and filled with beauty and wonder.
• That you will grow into a compassionate, funny, intelligent woman. We are proud of you already.

OK we are getting ready to land now, so I'm putting this notebook away. Little one, I can't wait to meet you. We will rock this world together.

Love,
Your Mom,
Vanessa McGrady Spiller

Grace Magnolia Spiller, born June 7, 2011, 5:48 p.m.

Relationships: Women in China Waiting Until Their 40s to Get Married

My mother took this picture of the happiest bride ever dancing. That would be me.

As a person who came very late to my first marriage, this story in the China Daily caught my eye. Apparently a growing percentage of women in China are rocking it so hard at work, that they are delaying marriage until well into their 40s.

I can't say I had that amazing a career and that's why it took me so long. The men I didn't want to marry were throwing sparkly rings at me. The men I would have thrown myself in front of a train for a teeny weeny "I do" had no such similar ideas.

Or maybe, it took me until I was 40licious to be able to offer all the good things about myself to another person, and hopefully, leave the bad behind.

COMMENT: If you are 40licious and single, is it by choice? If not, what's been the issue, do you think?

Love: How to Help Japan One Sake Sip at a Time

A year ago, I was traipsing around Japan with seven other food writers and our beautiful hosts from JETRO, the Japan External Trade Organization, who wanted to introduce us to the unique food and beverages of their land.

We ate things we'd never imagined, drank new liquors we had no idea existed. We were awed by the Japanese art of living and being. Most remarkable, however, was that we met people who produced the food. A farmer of free-range chickens in the now-decimated Fukushima region that went to bed each night thinking about ways to make his chickens happier. He collected abandoned dogs as sentries, and they all lived in blissful contentment together.

The sweet and spunky septuagenarian woman uncrippled by a terrible cancer who opened her own restaurant in the middle of nowhere, filled with high art and low trinkets. She made the most vile milky sake but some ethereal pickled plums.

A couple who harvest bamboo shoots and roasted them fresh for us. The guy who landed in a small town and decided to learn to make sake. And so, so many others.

All of us from the tour felt so helpless after the devastation in Japan, writing back and forth, trying to find out what happened to the friends we'd made. Then one guy had an idea. W. Blake Gray, a wine writer who had lived in Japan, thought of a small concept that can have huge effect if enough people do it.

Drink Sake Tonight.

If you drink sake tonight, Friday, March 25, you'll be helping sake makers and importers. You'll be helping Japanese establishments in the US who can, in turn, send money back home.

One small sip for mankind.

Kampai.

Spirit: 10 Useful Things to Know in Your 40s

Each year, Kathlyn makes a German chocolate cake for me, last year's is shown above. She could stab me in the eye with a crochet hook and I would still love her for remembering the cake every year. Oh, and the bubbles? That was a byproduct of getting engaged.

Today is my 43rd birthday. I am 40licious for the fourth time, which is of course a thrill. I started this blog in 2008 on my first 40licious birthday because I was so excited about the milestone. I love how the blog has evolved, from navel-gazing essays on the things that I learned to talking with wise people in an effort to provide a field guide to those of us who want to navigate our 40licious time together. Here are some thing I have learned and would share with any sister turning 40 or who is in her 40s:

1. Your relationships will be more complicated. If you are single and think you can have a partner without getting someone without baggage at this point you are way, way way off and will have a long lonely time of it. Prepare for step-kids, ex-spouses who may be insane or completely delightful, and in general, a crazy-quilt family. It will never, ever be what you expect, but it might be much better.
2. Figure out your money right this second. When you are done reading, sharing, liking and commenting on this page, understand how much you really have, how much you owe, what you need to live on, where you can cut spending, and how much you need for retirement and how you will get there. You can't keep putting it off -- just sock away $20 a week if that is all you can swing.
3. Cut out the clutter. You've accumulated a lot of stuff at this point. What do you really need? Are you hanging on to books, clothes, souveneirs, pictures, knicknacks, etc. only because you have always kept them? What can you digitize? What can you just keep in your heart without a physical manifestation? 
4. Tell everyone you love that you love them. Who knows, they could be gone in a nanosecond. Or you could. Fix your petty crap with your family and friends because it is not the way you want to leave it. If God forbid something happens, hopefully the last time you saw your mother you were not super pissy about how she didn't like the Christmas present you had made especially for her and vowed never to get her anything nice again. Which reminds me, I have to call my mother.
5. Slay your energy vampires. Of course we are not talking about physical harm, but who are the people who drain your energy? If you say your family and that's different, guess what, it's not. You don't have to 86 them, but give them less of yourself. Give more of yourself to what gives you life and makes you feel like you're new. On your death bed, you don't want to be wishing you had put up with more BS because you feared the guilt. That is your own mental construct -- you can choose to feel guilt or not.
6. Take care of yourself. This is kind of an obvious one but put a premium on the time and money it takes to pull yourself together. If it means getting up early to go to yoga or skipping your lunch hour to go to the gym, do it. If it means getting a facial instead of new jeans, do it. If it means ordering water instead of wine like everyone else is having, do it. As our 50licious friends tell us, there is pretty much no turning back at this point. Work it, ladies.
7. Decide to be lovely. You have choices for every word and every interaction in your life. You can chirp "good morning" to your cube mate in your office and comment on her attractive sweater. Or you can just grumble your usual "mrrrnng" and get to work. Why not make the day a tiny bit better than you found it? Same for dealing with customer service reps, taxi drivers, waitresses and your manicurist.
8. Make better decisions. Don't make any major decision without fully strategizing first. If you decide you want to give up your soul-sucking corporate gig to fulfill your dream of being an interior designer, don't go off the deep end until you completely understand what that means, what you have to do to get there, and the training and money required. Same goes for moving in with someone (seriously, do you really want to divide up the CD collection AGAIN?), buying a car that you haven't researched, getting any body alterations done, adopting a pet, and removing a wall from your house. I'm not saying DON'T make big decisions, I'm just saying if you think them through all the way you'll be way less likely to regret them, and you'll have a better handle on how to make them happen.
9. Take care of your world. Making the earth a cleaner and healthier place to live is a daunting task. For example, you might not think that buying a bottle of water is a big deal. But there's ramifications to everyone thinking that. Even if you think you're mitigating the implications by recycling your bottle when you are done, guess what? Less than half of plastic we use is recycled, but about half the plastic that we do recycle gets sent to China so they can burn it as fuel for power plants. It's not about saving the planet, it's about saving the people who live here.
10. Be in the world, in this minute, in this second. This one is a tough one for me as I'm learning exactly how disorganized I am and that I start many things at once, which makes it harder to finish, if I finish at all. This includes opening and sorting mail, which ends up in a pile on my desk; trying to make phone calls while I'm walking the dogs; and working on the things that are most important to me, such as the 40licious book. When you are in the moment, your food tastes better, your loved ones feel like you're truly listening, and you won't lose the car keys.

40licous Relationships: Turning Around a Bad Relationship

If you do something long enough, it becomes rote. That might be good if you're mastering the violin, but not so good if you're staying in a stale, joyless, loveless relationship, or feeling spiritually bereft. Today's insight comes from therapist Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT, CIT, CFT. Her practice, Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, specializes in working with couples to help them succeed in their relationship. Her operating principle: People have the ability to change and that they can achieve their fullest potential given the right conditions. They can create the right condition for themselves, and therefore, their relationships.

 

Emma K. Viglucci helps couples re-discover joy.

1. Are there any common themes you are seeing in your practice for women in their 40s?

Women in their 40s are dealing with many issues ranging from experiencing a decline in youthfulness to relationship crisis. I have found two prevalent themes in my practice: The first is women trying to get pregnant for the first time and having difficulties conceiving. In our modern age women are focusing more and more on career success and having financial independence leaving their personal lives on the back burner until their biological clock starts pounding. By the time they are ready to start a family, they are engrossed in career development and success. They are very busy, stressed out, and emotionally and physically depleted. Now is their body, including their reproductive system, not only getting older but it's not in great shape to create another life. Add to this their lifestyle - hectic and out of balance, and their relationship state, usually neglected by now unless it's a fairly new one. There is no room for a baby here - not for nothing they are not getting pregnant.

The work to be done in this situation is to bring everything into more balance: body, routine, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics. A lot of TLC is in order.

The second theme I find very common in my practice at this age is women dealing with their husband's midlife crisis. The husbands are questioning if marriage is for them, if they married the right person, if they want to stay married to them, and they are wondering about commitment, loyalty and faithfulness. This throws a wrench into their couplehood and it is very challenging to navigate as it hits the partners' core in terms of their emotional safety and security. Their future is uncertain and their bond is tenuous. This is very painful and creates a lot of insecurities hitting the partners' self esteem and sense of self worth. Their personal and couple identities are shattered and their life as they know it is turned up side down.

The work to be done in this situation is for each partner to explore the meaning of their situation for themselves, their own wishes and needs, and accept each other's world, perspective, even if they don't like or agree with it. From a place of acceptance and understanding, the partners can renegotiate their relationship and come up with a structure that meets both their needs as best as possible. 

2. What hurdles are couples most successful at overcoming?

Regardless of the themes or issues couples present with when they come to my practice, the common denominator in terms of their complaint is usually feeling disconnected and fighting a lot. These are the hurdles they are the most successful at overcoming as well. The work has a pretty good success rate in addressing this. Couples get very good at communicating, addressing concerns from an empowered state, learning how to get their needs met and creating a more happy and successful relationship. Their continued attention to what created the dissatisfying repeating cycle and dynamic is paramount to their continued individual growth and healing and their general couple wellbeing.

3. What are dealbreakers? When should a woman leave a relationship?

Couples do all kinds of funky behavior in their relationship and create a unique way of relating. It is up to the partners what behavior is acceptable and tolerable to them. Some partners have a much higher tolerance level for inappropriate, disrespectful, boundary crossing, and harmful behavior than others. This is a unique formula for each couple. One behavior that should not be tolerated period is physical harm. When in danger, get the heck out! The rest can be addressed, worked on and hopefully changed over time.

The lack of progress and change over time can also be a deal breaker, and the length of time acceptable to each partner to continue to try is up to their endurance and resilience.

The work should focus on becoming healthily interdependent where both partners' needs are consistently met and they have balance between their individuality and couplehood.

4. What are three things a woman can do to improve her relationship right now?

To have a wonderful life and great relationship a woman needs to own herself. If she operates from her Authentic Self and woks on responsibly taking care of herself life becomes a lot easier. Here are three things she can do to improve her relationship right now:

• Pick an item that's an issue and set clear boundaries around it getting your needs met - speak with I-statements, such as "I feel angry when you are late," rather than "You are always late."
• Own your sexuality and femininity: Wear feminine clothes and dress up when going out; seduce your partner, flirt and tease; initiate physical intimacy 
• Throw your partner a bone - give in to a request that may not be at the top of your list, but that won't kill you to try either 

5. Anything else we should know?

Yes! Women can accept their maturing process gracefully without taking a beating to their self esteem. We can defy aging as we know it by enhancing our beauty from the inside out:

• Keeping a healthy and clean lifestyle assists the body by lowering its toxic burden and enhancing its detoxification process keeping the body from breaking down, or aging too quickly. Resources for this include the Clean: The Revolutionary Program to Restore the Body's Natural Ability to Heal Itself and website by Alejandro Junger; and the book Revive by Frank Lipman.

• Embracing a mindfulness practice allows the mind to become more quite and alert, reduces stress and its impact, integrates the brain for increased resources, and enhances the quality of life by bringing inner peace and joy. From this state the journey of life is effortless. For more, read Mindsight by Daniel Siegel, visit the yoga lifestyle site Wailana.com, or try the guided meditation CD Guided Mindful Meditations.

• Continuing an ongoing effort to grow and heal our emotional self and bringing our Authentic Self to come out and play. Read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, Healing Your Emotional SelfHealing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel.

• Reading a number of other books that will help with discovery of the Authentic Self

• Learning about relationship processes and skills and using them consistently to enhance their relationship. There are lots of resources here.

COMMENT: What are some things you've done to get your through the rocky times?

40licious Birthday: Surving Singlehood

Today's entry comes from Nicole Flier, who lives in Florida and works as a business, PR and marketing consultant in Florida. She also has a dating column in a monthly magazine about her single life and the quest for Her Man. Today is Nicole's birthday, so please welcome her to the 40licious community! If you have any advice that will help her on her 40licious journey, please enter it in the comments section.

1. How is being single at 40 different?

Happy birthday Nicole! Hope your wishes come true.

I never thought I would be single at 40. It is much more difficult to meet like-minded men as you hit 40. Most men between 35-40 are in no rush to get married and/or have kids. Those over 40, usually have a marriage under their belt and one or more kids. Being a successful and single woman at 40 with no kids and no baggage, is certainly not easy. We come off as a threat to some men as they can’t handle our success and our ability to be total independent. If we seek younger men, we look like cougars. Trying to find a man 40 and above, who actually wants more children if he has them already from a previous relationship, is like finding the cure for cancer. Good luck with that! Most men have done diaper duty with their first wife and/or girlfriend and have no real desire to start over even if it is with someone new. This makes it tough to date in my age range because I still really want to have a child within the next 5 years. The men I meet and date have made a pretty final decision, NO KIDS EVER or NO MORE KIDS which prompts me to move on, very quickly.

2. You're looking for Mr. Right. How will you know if you've found him?
Relationships should evolve easily without drama or tons of work to make them actually happen. Finding Mr. Right is not an easy task, believe me, I am still wishing, hoping and actively looking. As we all get older, we become more independent and more set in our ways. I believe that if and when I finally find Mr. Right, the relationship will connect on all levels, fairly instantly. Chemistry is there from the start, both physically, emotionally and mentally. It just clicks from the onset, without really trying! We both will be on exactly the same page, at the same time. We will both be independent but stronger and better, together as partners. We will both have the ability and desire to give in to the other, just because it is the right thing to do sometimes, be less stubborn or always assume we are right. We treat the other as an equal, making it an “US” or “WE”, not a “ME” or “I”. We allow for the other’s idiosyncrasies without judgment and with patience and understanding. When it’s RIGHT, its RIGHT! Finding Mr. Right is finding the man who chooses to live his life with the same morals and ethics, and who want the same things out of life, ie: marriage and kids on the very same time line as me! If I can find these simples ideals and can see myself going to sleep and waking up next to him for the next 50 years, then I have finally stumbled upon “HIM”!

3. What's the best way for a 40licious woman to meet someone?
We're beyond the bars at this point. And some of us have families and demanding jobs. It’s 2011 and we have all partaken in the online dating craze. My experience with online dating has been less than positive and somewhat a waste of time. For me,the best way to meet someone of any depth or potential is via set up from a trusted friend, colleague or family member. I also like to attend networking, professional/industry related and charity events as I feel they draw a more professional and philanthropic type of crowd. These are the types of people I would rather be exposed to as opposed to trying to meet someone at a bar or club.

4. What else is important for people to know about being single and 40?
Although I have accomplished some great things in my life, the truth is, I feel like I have so much more to achieve. Aside from the obvious; marriage and kids, there is a whole wide world out there calling my name. I have quite a few more miles to go, and I am just getting started! So if you are reaching the end of your Dirty 30’s like me, just remember 40 is definitely the new 30. Life definitely begins at 4-0 and the possibilities are endless! Embrace it, live it, love it! Don’t get down; age is only a number. Life is a journey, so enjoy the ride!

Happy Birthday to me! Today I am 40 and F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!

40licious Relationships: Women Fall for Men Who Play 'Hard to Get'

Lucy, give it up. He's just not that into you.

A few years ago, I was embarrassingly besotted with an adorable Englishman who was in a Famous Band. Never mind that he was a hopeless alcoholic, had custody issues and was openly pining for his baby mama. He was charmingly elusive. Which made him even more desirable, as I felt I had to work to earn his attention. Which I got, sometimes, when I became elusive too. Of course this turned out to be a complete romantic flop, and I soon met the very good, accessible and emotionally intelligent man who became my husband.

So now there's this new study that reveals what many of us already know: There's scientific proof that women tend to fall for the guy who is wobbly in his affections, the one who plays hard to get. The article in Science Daily says: "As other research has found, women who believed the men liked them a lot were more attracted to the men than women who thought the men liked them only an average amount. However, the women who found the men most attractive were the ones who weren't sure whether those men were into them or not."

The study was done with undergrads, who tend to skew in their teens and 20s, so here is what I would hope 40licious women everywhere have learned: Don't waste your time on the guy who is not into you. You will know if he likes you because he will seek you out and send you sweet texts and keep asking when he can see you next, and then actually keep the date. If he's a contender, he will call you if he's traveling, working, with his kids or having open heart surgery. Your man will want you with him, no matter how complicated his life is.

Need a reminder primer? He's Just Not That Into You was one of the most important books I'd ever read and goes into a great deal of guy psyche. (Don't bother so much with the movie.)

You've got better things to do than wonder if someone wants to wake up with you every morning for the rest of his life. Like hang out with your friends, enhance your career, launch your business, hike with your dog, call your mother, have tea with the elderly neighbor, and save the little corner of your own world.

40licious Relationships: How to Save Your Marriage and Be Happy

Author Alisa Bowman went from planning her very-much-alive husband's funeral to falling back in love with him.

"I had married the right person. Ditching him was not the solution. And I was the source of a lot of our problems. I had issues with assertiveness. Once I learned how to be assertive, my marriage transformed."

Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir about how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love. She’s also the creator of ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com, a gathering spot for recovering divorce daydreamers. The 40s seems to be a real turning point in many marriages, so I thought Alisa would be a great source of wisdom for us.

1. You've become a "happy marriage" expert. What are the three most important things people should keep in mind for a blissful union?

1. Accept that a good marriage requires effort. Many people make the mistake of believing the following myth: If I marry the right person, marriage will be effortless. This just isn’t true. You are two different people with two different brains, two different nervous systems, and two different sets of values, habits, opinions and ideas. There will be times when you are not in sync. There will also be times when outside stressors—health problems, job loss, financial issues, meddling inlaws and more—force you to grow. Growth is hard, and most of us try to avoid it. Yet, if you try to avoid it, your marriage will suffer.
2. Learn how to be assertive without being aggressive. Effective communication can help you navigate every relationship in your life—including the one you have with your spouse. Learn how to ask for what you want succinctly, without blame and with a positive tone of voice. Good communication is the foundation that solves all marital ills.
3. Focus on solutions rather than dead ends. It’s natural to feel frustrated when things don’t go our way. Yet anger, resentment and frustration don’t solve problems. Solve marital problems using the scientific method. Try one solution. Test it. See if it works. Then try another. Eventually one will work.

2. How is marriage different for someone in her 40s than, say, in her 20s or 60s?

I think of the 40s (and 50s) as the transition between youth and old age. These are the decades when you are aware that you are aging and that your youthfulness is slipping away.

These are also the decades when most of us are at the height of our careers. We’re the most confident we’ve ever been about our abilities. No longer are we the “young green” person at work. We’re the experienced employee that people rely on.

These two factors can work together to make a marriage quite vulnerable. I know many women who were very happily married until their 40s. Then, suddenly, they found themselves struggling with attraction to men who were not their husbands. They craved romance, affection, and attention—and they were not getting it at home. I often tell folks who develop the Mid Life Wandering Eye that they must recommit themselves to their marriages all over again. They also must rediscover their spouses all over again. And they must teach their spouses to give them what they seek: attention, romance and affection.


3. Marriage seems more complicated these days. There are step children and exes and lots of family configurations. How to stay sane?

You navigate these issues the same way you navigate all life issues: an open mind, a dose of creativity, and lots of problem solving and communication. Let go of your idea of how life “should” be, how people “should” behave, and how you “should” be treated. Shoulds and reality usually don’t intersect. And once you break out of your “should” thinking, you will open yourself up to lots of other workable possibilities.

4. How do you save a marriage that's gone stale after many years? Why not just start over?

You could start over, and many people do. The problem with that approach, however, is that you will probably end up in the same place. Statistics bear this out. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than that of first marriages. And the divorce rate for third marriages is even higher than that of second marriages. It might seem as if swapping spouses is the solution. Chances are, however, the real change needs to happen inside of you. As a good friend once told me, “You can work on your stuff with your husband. Or you can work on your stuff with your next husband. Either way, you’re going to end up working on your stuff.”

Starting over is a way of procrastination. It’s a way of delaying in inevitable. You can grow into a better, stronger, happier, more complete person now. Or you can do it in your next marriage. It’s your choice.

So if your marriage is “stale,” become the exciting spark that your marriage needs. Be the change you want to see in your marriage. Initiate more conversations. Suggest activities you can do together. Surprise your spouse in the bedroom.

Take the initiative. You just might find that solving the problem of a stale marriage has very little to do with your spouse and everything to do with you.


5. Why did you start Project Happily Ever After?

My marriage was once so bad that I planned my husband’s funeral on the off chance he might conveniently drop dead. During that time, I bought into all of the myths that I mentioned here. I thought that the only solution was to ditch the husband. I thought that I’d married the wrong person. I thought he was the source of all of our problems.

You know what? None of that was true. I had married the right person. Ditching him was not the solution.

And I was the source of a lot of our problems. I had issues with assertiveness. Once I learned how to be assertive, my marriage transformed.

As my marriage improved, I began talking about marriage with others. Those connections made me realize how alone people felt. So I started blogging about it. Then I started writing a book about my experience, too. The result is ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com and the memoir Project: Happily Ever After.


6. Anything else you'd like to add?

When people struggle in marriage, they tend to feel alone. They feel like losers and failures. I want them to know that they are not losers or failures, and they are not alone. There are lots of recovering divorce daydreamers out there! You really are normal. Marriage is a challenge—one that few people talk about. It has many wonderful benefits, and, if you keep working at it, those benefits far outweigh the hard times. Most couples who have been married 40, 50, 60 or more years tell me that they went through some incredible rough patches along the way, but they do not regret staying together. They say that marriage is worth it. And I agree.

COMMENTS: How do you keep your marriage going when it seems like all is lost?

Order Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters

Some New Year's Thoughts for You

My grandmother Grace McGrady painted this, looking out her second-story window onto Central Park West at 85th Street.

The flight from last year wasn't nearly as desperate, it seems, as years before. Around here, 2010 was full of goodness and beauty. I married the best man I have ever met, and gained a beautiful new family as a happy byproduct. A Chihuahua puppy we named Cinco found us and made us his pack. Lucy the beagly mutt got older and deafer and a little more daft, but she gained a new kind of sweetness and prompts extra compassion from us. We met neighbors who quickly became like extended family, with the bonus that there is a lot of good food cooking over there all the time. I kept an excellent job and played nicely with others. There were no tragic losses of the immediate and personal ilk. I watched life unfold -- very much wanted babies for two 40licious women I love, two Christmastime engagements (in one of them, I'm getting a daughter-in-law!), Natalie's wedding, Lisa and Kathlyn and Joanna back at school to make the world a better place for all of us. I reconnected with Liza, the daughter of my mother's best friend in the 1970s, my friend as a child. As we compared our common childhood horrors and the sometimes baffling family dynamics of girls growing up at a very particular time in New York City, I felt a puzzle piece snap into place. I will never, ever let her go.

Here is what I hope for you (and truth be told, me) in 2011:

1. You are temporarily disabled by something so hilarious that you cannot do anything but laugh and laugh and try to catch your breath.
2.  You get enough physical exercise on a daily basis. People who don't move get old, really quickly. For old people who move, extra blessings to you. Also, exercise makes people nicer.
3. That you spend several nights or more on the couch with people and possibly pets you love, watching films that move you or entertain you to a profound degree.
4. That you make something beautiful, even if is only for yourself.
5. That some kind of little miracle happens for you, just when you need it the most.

Happy New Year.

Love,

Vanessa

PS -- Some great resolutions, in case you're looking for some ideas to make yourself a better version of who you are, are over at Undecided. I absolutely love those women.

The 40licious Bride: Aftermath

It's hard to be whatever you'd call the modern equivalent of a fairy princess for six months -- building to the apex of fabulousness in which you wear the BEST DRESS you've ever had, partied with the BEST PEOPLE you know, and then linked up for life with the BEST LOVER you will ever meet -- and then plunk down back to earth.

Oh, of course there is still the residual glow. Every few nights a box with something very special arrives at our door, and we are thrilled that someone thought so much of us to get us a gift. And the wedding pictures are trickling in from the amazing Alison Peacock, who didn't leave my side for three days, so each new batch we see is fun and exciting. (And, I secretly hope we get to be part of her "sample" photos so our pictures can live on her website!)

But here is the thing: I've waited 42 years to do get married. About five or six proposals, a couple live-in almost-rans, one tentative post-9/11 engagment. That's a lot of buildup. I thought that I could strike the right balance of the logical with the fantasy, the magical with the practicalities of married tax penalities (seriously, it's enough to make one consider switching to a heartless, mindless yet fiscally fair political party. I don't know which one that would be, but I'm thinking of going there).

We came back to our apartment and focused on the dogs (we are training Cinco very seriously, with a guy who trains Homeland Security dogs. I swore that Cinco's recent mad dash into an intersection at 6 a.m. where he was almost squished by a sedan was his last). And stuff to get rid of. And an article I have due.

I'm not sure what I expected to happen when we got home, after all the euphoria. It was something -- different. Stevie didn't get any richer or more powerful. I didn't become suddenly sleeker and I had my hair extensions removed. He's just this guy. And I'm just this girl. And we decided to get married. And we'll just have to make something amazing happen next.

Wed

We are married. We are home.