Some things about Christmas 2013

This is Grace's portrait of Bridgett and Bill. Which is so crazy perfect, if you know them.

1. My dad died 10 years ago today. You don't really recover from something like that. I was really sad for the past couple weeks and felt all "dumpy mom," and couldn't quite put my finger on it, but duh. Of course. Then, some magic. My older brother, Ilya, in ISRAEL, made a concert of this beautiful, ethereal music with some friends. We set up a Skype call and I watched/listened for a couple hours as I worked. It was truly beautiful and brought me to tears. Ilya is amazing. You should look him up when you go to Israel. He will march you through the Sinai, naked, and teach you to play drums with Bedouins. And you can all laugh at German tourists together.

2. I have been sadly neglectful of my blog and the 40licious activities because I took a screenwriting class. And now it's over and I have an outline for a super cute movie that involves a faked pregnancy and an oyster-shucking showdown with some French people.

3. 40licious is pivoting. I am re-branding and calling it "Swerve" because too many women on either side of 40 said they like what I do, but they don't feel either 40 or licious. Look for new logo etc. in January.

4. I am really trying to be really nice to people who, frankly, have been super sucky to me. Or even a little sucky over and over again. It is hard to not escalate it or match snark for snark. But I can sleep better knowing that even when my side of the street wasn't clean all the time, I tried to make it all right. It is a new paradigm for me.

4. My daughter's biological parents, Bridgett and Bill, have recently become homeless. They were in a shelter and then in a tent on the street. At first I was "helpful" by giving them blankets and movies and whatever else I thought they needed. And then it got cold in LA, and very rainy. And now they are staying with me and Grace for a while. I have learned a lot of things in the past week. Like how I have some pre-set Middle Class White Girl ideas and control issues. And that people are really, really, really big-hearted. I put a post about B&B on Facebook and for the past four days, bags of clothes, a $20 bill here and there, and bunny supplies have shown up at our door. Oh, did I mention they have a bunny? She now lives in our kitchen. Someone I don't even know is sending a bunny cage from Michigan. See, that's how amazing people are.

Affairs nobody wants to talk about are the most important

My dad's 2003 death left a wake of confusion and conflict that went beyond the great loss of one of the universe's shining stars. 

Dad didn't mean for it to go like that. A few years before, he'd had a will hastily drawn up on his way to the airport before traveling to Europe for a medical procedure, and never bothered to update it or have it thoroughly checked out when he returned.

Elizabeth McGrady

Organizing Dad's wake was a no-brainer: Bring all the food and booze from his house to the Community Center in Lilliwaup, Wash., (which serves as our family hub in times of celebration and mourning) and hire some guy to wail on the bagpipes. Tell some stories. After that, we just didn't know how to "do" death. We'd all had different interpretations of what the will actually meant, and what Dad would have wanted. I'm ashamed to say that even though he'd tried to talk to me about "when the time comes," I wasn't brave enough to have the conversation.  

I think about the fragility of life a lot. But I was sparked into action to organize my own end-of-life affairs after a visit to my excellent cousin Elizabeth McGrady, who runs a company called Angel Files out of Portland, Maine. She helps people organize all their personal and household information and "death wishes," if you will, in case of an accident or worse.

Here are some thoughts from Elizabeth about making the plans nobody ever wants to see come through. 

1. Wait, you mean our affairs don't magically take care of themselves when we die? What's the most important thing someone our age needs to know about how to plan for the end of their lives?

By having your memorial plans written down, you can release thoughts of the unknown and replace this with a sense of empowerment that your final chapter in life has been drafted. This can be one of the kindest things you can do for your family and friends. This way, they are not making big decisions during their time of grieving, but honoring your wishes.  

2. In your work creating Angel Files, what's the most common misperception people have about organizing their lives so that others can close up their affairs?

If people have their financial affairs in order they believe they are "all set."  I believe to leave a meaningful legacy behind is important, such as the story of your life and your experiences. Also,  the story of your home and its possessions.  People don't have the time to have items assessed so valuables can go to Goodwill and lawn sales. If there is a story of an heirloom, let people know what is it so they can know why it's important -- either sentimental value, monetary value, or both.

3. Talk to us about funeral homes. Essential services or ripoffs?

 I have enjoyed interviewing funeral homes, they are very willing to share information.  They are trained, educated and looked after by the FTC.  It is like any business in that it is up to you to be a savvy consumer.  In an emotional state you can add all kinds of things that raise the price.  They take great care of having the bodies treated with respect and dignity.  In some states you do not have to use a funeral home, but realize that there is paperwork that has to be exact in order for everything to be done on your own. It is wise to research the crematory process or the burial process if you wish to do it yourself. Then if you do choose a funeral home you will know exactly what they have done for you.

4. When you're in your 40s, it's so complicated, there are ex-spouses, new spouses, stepkids, maybe even grandkids. What's the best way to organize your affairs so people don't feel left out or cheated? Should you decide who gets Grandma's ring before you die, or just let them duke it out?

It would be helpful to have a draft of who you would like to be beneficiaries and list them by what percentage you would like each individual or charity to receive.  If you have possessions, such as Grandma's ring, it might be worth it to open up a conversation with your family and ask them which five items would they like to receive from you if they had a wish list. It would give you an idea as to what exactly people would wish for instead of assigning items. 

5. Anything else people should know?

Memorial services and funerals can cost half as much as a wedding. A wedding takes many hours to plan, as does a tribute done well to honor someone's life. It is a process and most of it can be enjoyable but the work involved shouldn't be underestimated.  I know people pull it together in a few days or a week, but do you want this frenzy of activity to be planned when people are grieving? I have amassed a checklist and it has more than 130 items on it. After death there are still about 30 items to be done such as: Sending out the death notice to newspapers, contacting people, details of the service, photos organized, music chosen, body choices, a lot of paperwork to be done and many, many minute tasks.  An organized plan would be so appreciated by your loved ones and you can know your end of life tribute will be authentic if you take the time in planning this.

Listen to Your Dreams, Say 'Yes,' Beware Spiritual Inflation, and Other Wise Words

Meredith Moon is a 79-year-old Jungian and transpersonal therapist based on Maui, Hawaii. She wrote to me and asked if she could share her story of spiritual awakening and perspective from her vantage point. Our 40s is such a huge turning point for spirituality, and here's just one example.

1. You turned 40 in 1974, nearly 40 years ago. What do you see as the major differences for women in their 40s then, compared with now?

The real difference is who they were at 20. When I was 20 the feminist movement of the '60s had not begun, the ads were focused on women in the kitchen, and though I and others went to college we were expected to marry early and have children and stay at home.  The culture changed and we changed with it. I find that all women at midlife who are called to deeper reflections and a search for their real Self, the seekers, those who listen to their dreams are similar when ever they were born.

2. You mentioned to me you had a deeply spiritual awakening at 37.  Can you describe it, and what was the next step? 

Since childhood I often asked adults how they knew God was real.  No one ever gave me an answer I felt proved anything. Then on Dec. 7, when I was 37, a being of light appeared in my bedroom at 11 in the morning. Within the great oval of light stretching from the floor to the ceiling the light was compressed into a human shape far more brilliant. I knew with out doubt that this was God. A channel of light came from the center of the light and surrounded me and then entered my heart filling me with love so amazing melting my very tissues. 

I was taught three things by the light: 

1. We are all loved unconditionally by God and nothing we do or don't do can separate us from that love
2. There is no death
3. There is nowhere I can go to validate what I have experienced for all religions are on the level of kindergarten.  

When the light left in a vibrant stream through my closed window I ran after it and saw that every blade of grass and every tree leaf was filled with the light. I understood that every thing living was, in its essence, light. The light stayed in me about a month, when it left I was desolate and yet understood that the journey was now mine and I needed to unwind all in my unconscious that stood in the way of its return. The light had pushed all of me aside for a while and now the journey of unwinding all I carried was mine.

3. What advice would you give to women in their 40s regarding their spiritual path?

Listen to your night dreams, learn to understand them, find a depth psychotherapist that will help you look within, unwind the pain of childhood and your limiting beliefs, understand that it is a long  journey to psychological and spiritual maturity that only you can take. Be willing to not know. Do not keep looking for surety for this journey is a mystery unfolding. End what no longer serves you on this quest. Say yes!  Beware spiritual inflation for it is a long detour.

4. Shortly after you and your husband separated, you met your current partner and have spent the past several decades studying and traveling together. What would you identify as the essential elements of a long-term relationship? 

Bruce and I have been together 33 years. Whereas my first husband always said no, Bruce always says yes. Yes to who I am, giving value and respect as well as love and I have given the same to him.  We have grown together psychologically and spiritually. We both give. We know the level of our caring and deeply trust each other. We are both free to be ourselves and yet recognize the others needs. All of this is needed for a relationship to thrive.

Spirit: Forms of Forgiveness

This tree in Duekmejian Park is called the McFall Oak. During the Station Fire a couple years ago, firefighters surrounded it while everything else burned. Now the rest of the park has forgiven the fire, and it is moving along with its life. 

We live in uncertain times. By "we," I mean we as a world, a nation, a bunch of Southern Californians, but I also mean "we" as the McGrady/Spiller household, our family. Among our major decisions these days: how do we remedy our poor choice in Ikea entertainment centers; should we move to a bigger place; and which is the best sippy cup for 1-year-old Grace. We are on type no. 4 or 5 now.

 I keep dropping things.

Today at the Armenian market I spilled some limes and an eggplant. And also, at the pharmacy while I was waiting in line holding Gracie and trying to unblock the straw from aforementioned sippy cup no. 4 or 5, the stroller tipped over backward. And then I dropped the cup. And then the baby slid out of my arms and onto the floor. She was still and quiet for a second and then wailed, turning kind of pink. I picked her up right away and bounced her and cooed to her, saying "sorry, sorry, sorry" softly in her ear.

 I'd let the woman behind me in line step in front, and she said, "no mama, you'd better go." I was moved and teary by her simple kindness, the kind you expect from friends but is so rewarding when it comes from a stranger.

Gracie stopped crying a moment later and threw her little arms around my neck, and hugged me tight, and babbled on about her day as she peeked curiously at someone (who surely has eight cats at home) reading a magazine with a magnifying glass sitting next to us.

Tonight I am thinking about forgiveness and all its forms. And how forgiveness separates us as a species from something like reptiles, or Ikea furniture. And that I will work harder to forgive strangers and the people I love.

Packing the Spiritual Pickup Truck

I want to say that I've spent the last month doing something incredible, like composing a concerto for violin and washboard, or knitting booties for poor babies in cold parts of the world. But I haven't.

Instead, we've re-homed Cinco the Chihuahua, who was deeply depressed without his Lucy and cried every day, and then snapped at the baby. There were tears but no scars, and we sent him to our wonderful dog-devoted friends in Northern California, where he will be much happier. He has a backyard, three dog siblings, and new parents who completely adore him.

I have also caught up on all my back episodes of 30 Rock and The Office.

And have enjoyed every second of my baby girl, who has terrible sleeping habits because I don't want her to cry, and because I have tried to breathe in her sweet scent every possible, including the late nights and early mornings we semi-sleep, tete-a-tete, in our big bed with Steve snoring way over on the other side.

I went to a funeral yesterday for a neighbor who was in excruciating pain from rheumatoid arthritis, and in the sitting downs and standing ups and rote chanting of the mass, the priest said something that stuck with me. He explained how hard it is for each of us to pass from one phase of life to the next -- from womb to world, and then the world to the next place. We get comfortable in however it is we are living, we don't embrace the changes that must happen. But they will happen. I have become comfortable in my life. Which makes me uncomfortable.

I used to always drive a pickup truck because it meant I could leave whenever I needed to. Up and out in one night. Then I stopped breaking up (and moving in) with people and became a person who would stay no matter how ugly or toxic the situation was, to show that I could.

But here is something about 40licious: If we want to be something or do something for the rest of our lives, we should start now. Right now. We need to load up our spiritual, emotional, and intellectual pickup trucks and bring them to the next phase of our lives, or we will be paying for storage of things we will never again use.

Spirit: Big Fat Lies Moms Believe OR How to Break Free From Your Inner Critic

Today's post comes from Amy Ahlers, a certified life coach and author of Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves: Ditch Your Inner Critic and Wake Up Your Inner Superstar. 

When I became a mom I also became more self‐critical. It was as if when I gave birth to my daughter, I also gave birth to a new clan of Inner Critics whose mission was to create a swirl of negative thoughts in my head. I like to call these addictive negative thoughts Big Fat Lies.

I’m also a life coach, so I’ve coached hundred of moms and have witnessed firsthand how they become their own worst enemy. After more than a decade of coaching moms from every walk of life (from CEO moms to stay at home moms to mompreneurs) I finally got it: we are all hard on ourselves despite appearances. I am not alone (and neither are you!). We beat ourselves up for both the big things and for the tiniest imperfections. And all this punishment isn’t helping us be better moms or feel more fulfilled or even to get more done. Who can blame us for being so hard on ourselves? We have a lot on their plates: kids, careers, romance, health . . . the list goes on and on. We’re supposed to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, have incredible sex with our partners, get the laundry and housework done, have healthy, accomplished kids, and a tight butt and perky boobs to boot. We feel like we’re supposed to enjoy being pulled in a million directions at the same time. And that we’re supposed to be as flexible as Gumby on muscle relaxers. But we’re only human.

What would happen if we gave ourselves a break?

To get started, see if any of these Top Three Big Fat Lies sound familiar and then go easy on yourself by tapping into the truth:  

1. I’m a failure (can also show up as I’m a terrible mother, I suck at motherhood.): This Big Fat Lie is pandemic among nearly every mom I’ve talked to. The truth is that we all have moments of failing as moms (you know like when your kid spills milk and you completely loose it because you’ve had the worst day filled with traffic jams, a failed bake sale fundraiser and your mate just called to say he’s working late…again), but that does NOT make us a failure. Winston Churchill put it brilliantly when he said, “Success is leaping from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” I would add that to be a successful parent, success is leaping from mistake to mistake without loss of compassion. So, why not get your compassion on?!

2. ___________ is a way better mom than me (can also show up as I’m a way better mom than _________.): The comparison game amongst moms can be intense and grueling. We can feel like we never quite measure up and develop a serious inferiority complex or we can turn the tables and find our Inner Critics telling us that we are a far better mom, creating a superiority complex. Either way, the comparison game is a losing one. The truth is that this isn’t a contest…and it’s time to put your focus on being the best mom you can be and leave others out of it.

3. Taking care of myself is selfish (can also show up as self‐care just isn’t a priority.): This lie is one of the biggest traps moms fall into, leading to overwhelm, depression and downright resentment. When we put our own well‐being first, we are more able to be there for others. I know how hard it can be to carve out personal time. . .boy, do I know! But it is vital to do so to be a present and caring mom. By deciding to take responsibility for your self‐care, you are giving yourself the opportunity to be a good parent, friend, partner, sibling, and/or coworker. Why not get started with simply 1 hour/week of ME TIME and ease your way up? The more you recognize your negative self‐talk as Big Fat Lies and tap more into the compassionate truth, the more you’ll increase self‐love, self‐esteem and self‐respect. And what better gift can we give our kids than to model that?


Join Amy Ahlers for the Exposing the Big Fat Lies Summit in which 21 world-class experts disclose their secrets and share like you’ve never heard them before … really!

Spirit: Really Want to Know You

You'd think that at 40licious you'd get more fixed in your beliefs. I think I am becoming more fluid. There are some basics that I know won't change: I must exercise every day or I will get wonky and fat. I must be my best self and as nice as I possibly can be, in writing and in person, to each being I encounter during my day. I must tell the truth.

But occasionally one must look beyond one's own moral compass for help. I suppose that's why there's the bible, the koran, the watchtower, the tarot, a horoscope, the i ching, the fortune in your cookie. For a decade my mother, a mash up Christian, Catholic, Buddhist, has been feeding me books by the Dalai Lama. And a couple years ago, I started reading "How to Expand Love" when I'd finished the last novel by my bed. It was life-changing as a guide to try and love people who are not particularly kind to you; to see the "diamond" inside everyone. The Dalai Lama's words on compassion made the difference between us moving forward with our adoption or not, proving that when you act with love -- even with someone who is difficult -- everyone will win.

Enter the Modigliani.
My mother had asked me to get an appraisal on a piece she'd been given in the 1960s. As I navigated the fine art world to try and find the best way to get a fair deal for my mom, an artist herself on a fixed income living a meager life, I felt badgered by a relative as he criticized every choice I made: handing it over to one of my closest friends, an art dealer, to find an appraiser. The auction house. The contract. The reserve price. The $90,000 estimate from the appraiser at the auctioneer. After some research, it was determined that the drawing is a very, very, good print and is not worth anything.

And then the relative became invested in a theory that while the piece was being appraised, it was switched for a fake, like some Oceans 11 scheme. He brought up distorted versions of past events. All the while I tried to do what the Dalai Lama asked, to be loving, to be compassionate and understanding. To keep boundaries. Even though I felt attacked and that every button that could be pushed got punched.

I want to address the wild misconceptions. I want to punch back with the truth. But this will not help. I don't know what the Dalai Lama would have me do. How do I be loving but protect myself? How can we move forward without looking back? Today I listed to "My Sweet Lord" in a new way. When George Harrison sings "I really want to know you," I'm taking it to mean, "I really want to understand what the spiritually correct course is to take at this particular moment." And when he sings, "it takes so long," it means, "it takes so long."

Spirit: Lessons of 9/11

These ones came back.

I don't know how I will talk to my daughter about 9/11. She is only three months old. I don't know when I will tell her what the story through my lens on that day 10 years ago: The booming growl of the first plane waking me up from a sound sleep on Linda's couch. The thought "Those damn Blue Angels. Why so early?"

Linda's friend called and we woke her up and looked out the window to see the very nearby Twin Towers. One was smoking. Through sobs and screams and stunned disbelief, Linda and I watched it all unfold that day. The smoke. The second plane. The papers and people falling through the sky. And finally, the crumbling. The terrible, crushing crumbling of two monuments and all that it would symbolize.

We went outside to join the ash-covered refugees. Ash everywhere. Posters of the missing already on the walls. We thought it was a good idea to give blood and by some fluke of my subconscious mind I remembered my gynecologist's phone number and found out my blood type, and hopped on the O+ bus that would take us uptown -- albeit a detour all the way through Central Park by a very flustered driver -- to the Red Cross. As if there were no people uptown to give blood. Waited on line for a couple hours and then saw a payphone -- remember those? -- and made calls to my mother, my coworkers, the Seattle Times. And then I got back and the line to give blood had disappeared because there were fewer people alive that they'd anticipated to use the blood. So the guy let me give anyway, and then they closed up shop.

I wandered downtown. My dad happened to be staying in NY because he'd won a trip for signing up for the Fashion Channel.

But it was hard to commune with my family. They were not there. They did not see what Linda and I and so many thousands of other New Yorkers had. It was even harder going back to Seattle, where people were even further removed from it. Yes, people were upset and thought it was sad. But they had so easily moved on. They did not run out of the movie theater in a panic when faced with scenes of people running downstairs, or fire. They didn't stop breathing at the sound of a low-flying plane.

About a week after I got back from New York I had a dream. Or maybe it wasn't a dream. Seven or eight glowing figures were around my bed. They were the spirits of people in the Towers. I told them how upset I was and they said they are OK, and to not worry. And then they drifted off, and I was calmer.

This morning I engaged in a discussion on Facebook, saying that I don't see the people who lost their lives in 9/11 as "sacrifices" for a patriotic duty. They were killed by madmen, murdered by ideology. I guarantee that nobody who went to work in the Towers that day, or got on one of the ill-fated planes, would have willingly done so "for their country" if they knew what was to happen. I will count responders also as mass-murder victims. I am sure you have your own way of looking at it too.

For me, patriotism is an overrated virtue. We don't know most of what's going on with our government. Our government has done and continues to act in shameful ways. I work in an corporation in an office in a gray cubicle and a third of my paycheck goes to taxes, which fund war and torture and killing of innocents. I do not think an Iraqi life is worth less than an American one. I do not think we have asked ourselves the basic questions of what we've done to contribute to this climate. You can't keep blaming it all on the other guy.

Ten years later and I am still cranky and so so so so so sad about what happened. I am forever haunted by the stories of people who left work in a spat with their spouse and never came home. The people who made a last-minute decision that changed their fate, for better or worse. The small action, missing a subway or being the last to cram in an elevator.

And that is why, after 9/11, I made a point of saying "I love you" to people on the phone and at emails, even if it's someone I'm going to see tomorrow or later on. Because I might not.

9/11 will be something far far away for Gracie when she's old enough to understand. So I will start with "I love you" every day, and take it from there.

Linda and I spent a lot of time searching for meaning in the hours and days that followed. We found it, but not in the way you'd expect.

Spirit: Donate Your Bra to Support Domestic Violence Victims

Soma Intimates, a national chain of lingerie stores, is holding a charity initiative to collect new and gently used bras for women in need. "Giving Is Beautiful" takes donations of bras at Soma Intimates boutiques, or via a mail-in option is provided with details at www.soma.com/givebras through Aug. 14.


According to Soma executives, bras are one of the least donated but most needed items by women who are homeless or victims of domestic violence. " It’s such a small and easy thing to donate, but it truly makes a big difference to women who are experiencing financial or emotional hardship," a company release read.

The donated bras will go to local women’s shelters and other charitable organizations. Soma also uses this initiative to help women who have lost personal items in the wake of destruction from natural disasters. Any non-wearable donations are sent to The Bra Recyclers, a textile recycling organization that ensures no bra ends up in a landfill.


First launched in July 2010, this marks the third bra donation initiative for Soma Intimates. To-date the retailer has collected more than 68,000 bras to help women in need across the country. The goal is to collect 150,000 bras by next year.

You can also enter the “Bra Guessing Contest” to guess how many bras will be collected this season to win a $500 gift card!

Learn more.

Spirit: What Are Your Core Values?

Pat Love

When I mentioned my blog and forthcoming book to my cousin Jo Robinson, who is a rock star in the health and relationship writing arena, she said I absolutely must talk to Pat Love. And she was right, because after we spoke, I realized that the work Love is doing is the lynchpin to what we’re navigating as 40licious women. The aptly-named Love is an expert on relationships and authored many books including “Hot Monogamy” with Jo, and “The Truth About Love.” Her new book, "Never be Lonely Again: the Way Out of Isolation, Emptiness, and a Life Unfulfilled" takes cues from the Dalai Lama and asks readers to address a basic question: “Who am I”?

The next few posts will be pearls of wisdom from my interview with Love. I hope you find them as insightful as I do.

Vanessa: What are you seeing in relationships for women in their 40s?
Pat: It's interesting I just spoke with a group of 40-something group of women on Saturday in a small group, spa setting. It was an exclusive group and they asked me to talk about sex over 40.

V: We love that.
P: So if I had to make some generalizations, I'd would say, in their 40's, women come up for air. At this point, they've launched the activities that involve major tasks in life. If they wanted to have children, they've probably done that, or taken the means to make that happen. They've launched some kind of a job or career or some kind of a work history. They've probably tried a love relationship or two. I think what happens in your 40's is you become consciously aware that "I'm a person too" and you start asking the question, "Who am I?"

In fact I had a woman in my office just yesterday, a couple, actually, and she was just approaching 40. And I asked a question, "What are your core values?" In other words, "When you're dead and gone, how do you want the people you love to remember you: your children, your friends," and she teared up and she couldn't answer the question. It's a very thought-provoking question.

To be honest with you, I'm not sure I had a conscious thought 'til I was close to 40. But somehow, and maybe this is projection, because of the biological imperative that's built into our bodies, 40-something is the first time you might get to think about yourself, and I think that's a major life task of your 40's. And I think that's a major life task of your 40s. And so I don't know if that's an answer that you're seeing. To think about yourself might be, "Well, I'm not really interested in sex, and why should I have sex if I'd don't feel like having sex, and yet, it's a deal-breaker with my partner, OK, I've gotta figure out a way to feel sexier and more motivated," or, "You know what? I'm tired of working for somebody, I want to work for myself," or "Now that I have my teenagers at least I have part of my day" if it's a stay at home mom, "I can do something, and maybe this is the time I'll go back to school, or whatever feels right."

PLEASE COMMENT: What are your core values? What actions do you take to demonstrate your personal "brand" to the world?

Spirit: How to Feng Shui for Baby

Laura Carrillo

Today's post comes from Laura Carrillo, a Los Angeles-based feng shui consultant. I met Laura on a transcontinental plane ride a couple years ago and we've been friends ever since, and I was one of her first guinea pigs when she started her practice. A couple months ago she saw how distressed I was from waiting what seemed like forever for our adoption to happen, so she offered to feng shui, this time for baby. Now, believe what you want, but our baby showed up less than a week after she visited. A lot of 40licious women are struggling with fertility, adoption and other baby-making efforts, so who knows -- it can't hurt, it could help!

Here's Laura's website.

In Feng Shui there is something called a Bagua that serves as a map or a grid of the nine different life stations. It looks kind of like a tic-tac-toe board. The nine guas of the Bagua are as follows: from top to bottom, left to right:

1. Prosperity
2. Fame & Reputation
3. Love & Relationships
4. Family
5. Health
6. Children & Creativity
7. Skills & Knowledge
8. Career
9. Travel & Helpful People

In Feng Shui for Baby, I focused on three specific guas. Children & Creativity, Fame & Reputation, and Travel & Helpful People. Children and Creativity was the obvious area to address and for Vanessa; this gua was in her living room. Here is where you want to focus on symbols of children, toys, artistic endeavors, games, the metal element, round shapes and the color white. Fame & Reputation happened to be where the baby’s room was located in Vanessa’s house and is also a key gua in garnering positive public attention and in this case from prospective parents. This gua is associated with the fire element, the color red or any color in the red spectrum such as pink or peach, and symbols of your accomplishments, or people you respect, etc. One of my favorite and often ignored guas, is Travel & Helpful People. This is the gua of synchronicity and assistance from both the divine and the mundane. Here is where it is best to place symbols of spiritual figures and at the same time where you might want to keep the business cards of your plumber or doctor … For Vanessa, this gua is in her entry way/porch so I suggested an angel statue that looks like a cherub, spiritual and infant-like.

All the guas are important and in Feng Shui balance is key, but in Vanessa’s case we had Feng Shui’d the home as a whole the previous, year and on this occasion, it made sense to focus our energy on the baby’s room and the other 2 corresponding guas. I also decided to do a Baby Blessing for the home. In planning for the Blessing, I chose to incorporate Space Clearing and the elements of an altar utilizing the principles of Feng Shui.

We spent time in the baby’s room which was the day’s initial focus. We discussed crib placement. Ideally, you want the bed or crib to be in full view of the door and with a solid wall behind it. Art and imagery are very important and Vanessa had three small paintings placed on the fame wall of the baby’s room. They were representations first of mother and child, then father, mother and child, and finally of the sun. Perfection! She had incorporated the number 3 in three perfect ways for that room. The images of family are symbolic of what she was inviting into her life and the sun is a fire element representation that is perfectly placed in the fame gua where the baby’s room resides. My whole premise behind calling my business Narrative Space Feng Shui is specific to the stories we tell through our homes and our art, and Vanessa understood that. One of the additional suggestions I had was that she make three copies of the adoption paperwork she had and place them in the three pertinent guas. The paperwork can be hidden as this is more of a transcendental cure with specific intent behind it.

Next, we did the space clearing prior to and in preparation of the Blessing. Vanessa and I walked through the house with my burning bundle of sage clearing each room and welcoming a baby into the environment. When we completed that, I went about the business of creating an altar for the Blessing. I chose to perform the ceremony in the living room which as mentioned is her Children & Creativity gua. We cleared the coffee table and I pulled out my bell, some incense and requested three white candles that we lit and something metal from Vanessa. She had her own three bells which were perfect elementally and symbolically. Bells can be rung to begin and end a blessing … I grabbed three yellow lemons from the kitchen. Lemons are yellow, which in Feng Shui is considered a representation of the earth element and because they are fruit, they are also considered of the wood element. The number 3 as in mother, father and child is important to note.

I had Vanessa place her wedding necklace on the altar as a symbol of her marriage and family bond. I was creating an altar that was symbolically and elementally balanced but with an emphasis on metal. I also requested some mood enhancing music which Vanessa supplied; an unusual instrumental arrangement that incorporated gongs. (It’s important to create a mood.) Steven, Vanessa’s husband, arrived and we began the blessing with the ring of a bell. I spoke a few words about what a loving and beautiful home and family this child is being invited to join and had Steven and Vanessa each say a few words. The true impact of a blessing is the energy of the participants and their intention.

In blessings, there is power in numbers and everyone involved should participate. I am there to facilitate for them but it’s their home, their blessing, and their emotion that energetically manifests their intentions. When we finished, I asked them to blow out the three candles and as they did, three gongs went off in the music as if on cue. Vanessa and Steven were matched with a birth family six days later.

Spirit: Naomi Wolf Busts the "Aging Myth"

"I know — finally — what I like to wear and am comfortable not bothering with what I don’t. I love not being in physical competition with other women. I love being able to appreciate the beauty of other women and feeling appreciated myself — and appreciating myself."-- Naomi Wolf

Naomi Wolf is the embodiment of 40licious, and sums it up in her Washington Post story. Photo: Washington Post

I can't recall being any great beauty, any time in my life. Except maybe a window at about 3 years old when my mother dressed me up and got some charming headshots taken of me in a dress and a hat with elephants painted on it. I was a little blonde with an updo.

Then a tomboy and after that an awkward teen with the absolutely wrong curly hair for the coveted Farrah Fawcett feathering. I spent my college years tromping around in a tiny skirt and Betsey Johnson lycra tank top with red roses all over it, bartending and waitressing. I don't think I'd call that beautiful. But in my 20s Naomi Wolf brought us "The Beauty Myth," a tome on the skewed perception and creation of American beauty. She validated my simultaneous rejection and craving for ideal beauty, and informed the rest of my life. I scoffed at women who were too "done" as I lived out part of my 30s in a cabin in the woods, in a uniform of jeans and Timberlands and a huge green wooly sweater stolen from an Irish boyfriend, and then would go to the salon and spend half my meager earnings on getting my hair done.

Now at 40licious, I'm not feeling the pull to start with the Botox shots. Yes, I'm slightly aghast when I see a picture that shows crinkle lines around my eyes, or the indomintable poof around my waist. (I think I've trained myself to not see these things in the mirror, holding my face a certain way, or positioning my body just so.)

And here's Naomi Wolf again, this time in the Washington Post, summing up the 40licious credo: We've learned and earned our way to the sweet spot in our life, and we're still hot. In her piece, she talks about how we were all so worried about becoming invisible, marginalized, pushed aside by newer younger blonder versions of ourselves. But it didn't happen. It didn't happen because we take care of ourselves. Because we went out and did interesting things and blazed our own paths. Which made us more attractive than any series of Botox injections could. And instead of being in competition with the 20somethings, we'll help move them along to become amazing 40licious women like us.

Naomi, I hereby induct you into the 40licious Hall o' Fame for how well you put into words what we're thinking. Thank you for all you've done, all you do, and all you will do.

Spirit: Alexander McQueen and why we need to move on our life's work

I am in New York this week. This is the city that made me think and feel and act as I do. It made me love certain things and loathe others. When I am anywhere else, including my Los Angeles home, the world is in smudgy pastels. In New York, it is wild crisp color.

I have the great delight of showing my husband this city, so we are taking tours and seeing iconic places. We went to the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met and I stood there, tears brimming with the creative beauty and talent of a man gone from our lifetime. And I was never more clear on the message that if we are to create something of beauty, our great work, the piece that will allow us to die happy and fulfilled, we need to get on it now. No excuses. We are 40licious and it is time to take everything we have learned and use it.

What will you start or finish today? If you are on it, how is it going?

Work: How to Start Over Again and Switch Careers

"Something happened while I was doing that three month gig. I fell in love with my new job, my new company, and the weekly paycheck that came with it. Gone were the days of the real estate roller coaster. I could eat!"

Today's guest post comes to us from Lisa Affi, who is so capable and beautiful and talented she could probably start over 15 more times and do just fine, thank you.

By the time you’re 40, you think you’re career life is settled and you are geared to stay on your path until retirement. For more than 15 years, I worked in the real estate profession. For many of those years, I worked as both a real estate agent and as an office manager/trainer/property manager. At age 37, I finally decided to take the proverbial dive into the shark-infested waters of full-time real estate sales.

The real estate market was going at a fast clip with property values rising almost on a daily basis. I had been in the business long enough to know the warning signs that it was all going to come crumbling down. Just like that. It did. Escrows were falling out. Buyers were panicking. Real estate as we knew it was coming to an end. My life was about to change in ways I had no idea.

I had made quite a bit of money in my own real estate investments. I had taken my equity and purchased a beautiful home in a lovely hillside community in San Bernardino County.

Still in denial about the long term effects of the real estate crash, I found myself taking the odd part-time job to get by; a hotel concierge (two weeks), a chip runner at an Indian casino (one month). The latest was a three month gig at a Fortune 500 company in the communications department. “No problem,” I thought. "In three months, I'll get back on my feet and back into the game."



I never went back to real estate.


Something happened while I was doing that three month gig. I fell in love with my new job, my new company, and the weekly paycheck that came with it. Gone were the days of the real estate roller coaster. I could eat! At the end of my three months, they hired me full time.

They say that for every humbling life experience, you gain a life lesson that will take you to a new understanding. That’s IF you learn the lesson. 2007 was the year, I learned that nothing is forever and hard decisions make you stronger. I lost everything. But I didn’t lose my spirit.

I am on a whole new path. A path I never even noticed was there. I have never felt more at home than I do in my new career. I discovered more things about myself that year and since than I ever imagined. I found out that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

I never shared my story with anyone. I never felt the need to complain about where my life took me. But as you go through these experiences, at some point you want to share that new found knowledge in the hopes that someone else could benefit from what you went through. But if you could take just one something from it, remember that old saying is true: When one door closes, a window really does open. Be open to it. Let yourself learn from the experiences that life gives you. Take the gift. Open it.

Profile: Sondra Wright, Author of "40+ and Fabulous"

Today's Q & A is with Sondra Wright. She's the author of 40+ and Fabulous: Moving Forward Fierce, Focused and Full of Life!, which is a truly inspiring book about women who have created positive change in the world, and insight from men on women who are over 40.

This is author Sondra Wright. Fabulous indeed!

1. What inspired you to write 40+ and Fabulous?

I have a young niece who is just the apple of my eye. Having no children of my own, laying eyes on her after she was born was the very first time I had experienced loving something simply because it existed. I want to do everything I can to leave the world better than I found it for her. The fact that women would suffer anxiety, sadness or depression at the idea of aging and especially crossing that threshold of forty and fifty, is hurtful for me. The numbers of women who are filled with dreams, goals and aspirations but see age as a barrier to accomplishing those things, are unacceptable. I’ve always been a champion of the underdog. Society has had a good laugh at our expense, bombarding us with negative, stereotypical images of the aging woman, for far too long. I decided to establish some new ground rules for women and aging that I hope will permeate our culture and become the new standard for aging. There’s not a single reason for women not to be as excited about our 40th, 50th and 60th birthdays, as we were about that 21st birthday.

2. What surprised you the most during your research?

The men!! Hands down it would have to be hearing from the men. You see, one of the most common and most painful stereotyped images of the 40+ woman, is her mate leaving her for a younger woman. And while it does happen, I was getting feedback from men who would not trade a 40+ woman for a twenty-something if she was handed to him Saran™ wrapped in a Ferrari. That’s the other reality that we never hear about, but we should. I was always told telling part of the story was the same as telling a lie. And we’ve been lied to long enough. So, I added a men-tell-all section to the book that I call Straight Talk and Men’s Thoughts on 40+ and Fabulous Women and let me tell you…it is one liberating shot of ego boost to say the least.

3. What were the most important things you learned that you didn't know going into the project?

While I’ve been a business owner and a speaker for some time, 40+ and Fabulous is my debut book and so all the lessons that come with being a first time author were mine to be learned. The most important things though, had to do with me; the real strength I have in the face of adversity; overcoming obstacles, wanting to give up and being at that place where I felt as though I just had nothing left to give and then, reaching waaaaaay down deep in myself and discovering what I didn’t think was there. I learned that I’m stronger, more resilient, more gifted, and more talented than I ever thought I was or could be.

4. How did you pick your subjects? What was the criteria? After all, there are so many fabulous people in the world!

So true! There are many, many fabulous people in the world and I’m so grateful to know my share of them. For 40+ and Fabulous I wanted to share a sampling of stories of women from all backgrounds and all walks of life; women who were willing to be transparent and not just scratch the surface, and women that women could relate to.

Of the women in the book, I personally knew maybe 4 of them. For the others, I held sort of an internet casting call and selected from those who seemed most passionate about these stages of life. The women range in age from 40 to mid 70’s so there’s really something here for everyone.

5. Anything else you'd like to share about being 40+ and fabulous?

I always like to stress that being 40+ and Fabulous has nothing to do with the clothes you wear, the car you drive or the zip code you live in. 40+ and Fabulous is a state of mind. It’s how you look the world in the eye, shoulders back, head tall appreciating where you’ve been, treasuring where you are and looking forward to, with great anticipation, all you are yet to become. Move forward boldly and enjoy the journey, girls. Welcome to 40+ and Fabulous!

Follow Sondra on Twitter.

Spirit: Author Victoria Moran Tells Us How to Live a Charmed Life and Take Time for Ourselves

"If your life is directed from your spiritual core, things will work immensely better than if your ego is running things and taking potluck."

Author Victoria Moran. Isn't she simply radiant?

Today we talk with one of the loveliest women to walk the planet, Victoria Moran. She's the author of many books, including Fat, Broke and Lonely No More; Fit From Within; The Love-Powered Diet; and Creating a Charmed Life: Sensible, Spiritual Secrets Every Busy Woman Should Know When I was watching a video of her, I had the distinct feeling of wanting to be as lovely as she is. She's the kind of woman you'd trust with your pets, kids, or secrets; who has a solution to any issue large or small; and who knows her own self so fully and authentically that I wanted some of that grace to rub off on me. Here's her advice for 40licious:


1. It's not always easy for 40licious women to balance career, kids, relationships and aging parents -- and still have time for themselves. How does one do all this with grace?
You have to get a clear concept of the 24-hour day. It's all we've ever had and all we will ever have. We've been told for decades that we can "do it all," but we can't, at least not all at once. It's a matter of prioritizing, and a great rule of thumb is "things with feelings first." In other words, yourself and your family first, and everything else lines up after that.


2.What are some steps women can take to get in touch with their spirituality?
Quiet time is most important. Take yoga, learn to meditate, or go to a convent and get yourself a spiritual director if that's more your style. The point is, your spiritual self is with you all the time; you just have to quiet down enough to get in touch with it. You also have give spirituality a value in your life. A lot of people look at is a something extra, nice maybe but not really important like watching Dr. Oz or getting an oil change. It is, however, of primary importance, because if your life is directed from your spiritual core, things will work immensely better than if your ego is running things and taking potluck.

3. What is one thing we should do every day?
"ME in the morning": meditation (see above) and exercise. If you get those in, the rest will take care of itself.

4. Any other advice for women in their 40s to live a charmed life?
The 40s are supposed to be life's very best decade: you've matured out of the flightiness and selfishness of the 20s and 30s, and you're still at a high level of physical vitality. Ways to be sure that you're having the time of your life right now are:

• Stay healthy and radiant. Make fresh juice with greens in it. Eat lots of salads and other fresh, colorful plant foods. 
• Sleep enough: you don't have stay up half the night to keep all your ducks in a row. 
• Exercise. 
• Lighten up: you're smack in the middle of your glorious life. Enjoy it.
• Do it your way, like Frank Sinatra sang about. When something resonates with you, it's yours. If it doesn't, really ask yourself if this has to be in your life.
• Trust yourself and your intuition. You more than you think you do.
• Live in the moment. These really are the good old days.