Spirit: 10 Useful Things to Know in Your 40s

Each year, Kathlyn makes a German chocolate cake for me, last year's is shown above. She could stab me in the eye with a crochet hook and I would still love her for remembering the cake every year. Oh, and the bubbles? That was a byproduct of getting engaged.

Today is my 43rd birthday. I am 40licious for the fourth time, which is of course a thrill. I started this blog in 2008 on my first 40licious birthday because I was so excited about the milestone. I love how the blog has evolved, from navel-gazing essays on the things that I learned to talking with wise people in an effort to provide a field guide to those of us who want to navigate our 40licious time together. Here are some thing I have learned and would share with any sister turning 40 or who is in her 40s:

1. Your relationships will be more complicated. If you are single and think you can have a partner without getting someone without baggage at this point you are way, way way off and will have a long lonely time of it. Prepare for step-kids, ex-spouses who may be insane or completely delightful, and in general, a crazy-quilt family. It will never, ever be what you expect, but it might be much better.
2. Figure out your money right this second. When you are done reading, sharing, liking and commenting on this page, understand how much you really have, how much you owe, what you need to live on, where you can cut spending, and how much you need for retirement and how you will get there. You can't keep putting it off -- just sock away $20 a week if that is all you can swing.
3. Cut out the clutter. You've accumulated a lot of stuff at this point. What do you really need? Are you hanging on to books, clothes, souveneirs, pictures, knicknacks, etc. only because you have always kept them? What can you digitize? What can you just keep in your heart without a physical manifestation? 
4. Tell everyone you love that you love them. Who knows, they could be gone in a nanosecond. Or you could. Fix your petty crap with your family and friends because it is not the way you want to leave it. If God forbid something happens, hopefully the last time you saw your mother you were not super pissy about how she didn't like the Christmas present you had made especially for her and vowed never to get her anything nice again. Which reminds me, I have to call my mother.
5. Slay your energy vampires. Of course we are not talking about physical harm, but who are the people who drain your energy? If you say your family and that's different, guess what, it's not. You don't have to 86 them, but give them less of yourself. Give more of yourself to what gives you life and makes you feel like you're new. On your death bed, you don't want to be wishing you had put up with more BS because you feared the guilt. That is your own mental construct -- you can choose to feel guilt or not.
6. Take care of yourself. This is kind of an obvious one but put a premium on the time and money it takes to pull yourself together. If it means getting up early to go to yoga or skipping your lunch hour to go to the gym, do it. If it means getting a facial instead of new jeans, do it. If it means ordering water instead of wine like everyone else is having, do it. As our 50licious friends tell us, there is pretty much no turning back at this point. Work it, ladies.
7. Decide to be lovely. You have choices for every word and every interaction in your life. You can chirp "good morning" to your cube mate in your office and comment on her attractive sweater. Or you can just grumble your usual "mrrrnng" and get to work. Why not make the day a tiny bit better than you found it? Same for dealing with customer service reps, taxi drivers, waitresses and your manicurist.
8. Make better decisions. Don't make any major decision without fully strategizing first. If you decide you want to give up your soul-sucking corporate gig to fulfill your dream of being an interior designer, don't go off the deep end until you completely understand what that means, what you have to do to get there, and the training and money required. Same goes for moving in with someone (seriously, do you really want to divide up the CD collection AGAIN?), buying a car that you haven't researched, getting any body alterations done, adopting a pet, and removing a wall from your house. I'm not saying DON'T make big decisions, I'm just saying if you think them through all the way you'll be way less likely to regret them, and you'll have a better handle on how to make them happen.
9. Take care of your world. Making the earth a cleaner and healthier place to live is a daunting task. For example, you might not think that buying a bottle of water is a big deal. But there's ramifications to everyone thinking that. Even if you think you're mitigating the implications by recycling your bottle when you are done, guess what? Less than half of plastic we use is recycled, but about half the plastic that we do recycle gets sent to China so they can burn it as fuel for power plants. It's not about saving the planet, it's about saving the people who live here.
10. Be in the world, in this minute, in this second. This one is a tough one for me as I'm learning exactly how disorganized I am and that I start many things at once, which makes it harder to finish, if I finish at all. This includes opening and sorting mail, which ends up in a pile on my desk; trying to make phone calls while I'm walking the dogs; and working on the things that are most important to me, such as the 40licious book. When you are in the moment, your food tastes better, your loved ones feel like you're truly listening, and you won't lose the car keys.

First off, thank you everyone, for the birthday greetings. I am so very touched and amazed by how many people came out of the woodwork (or Facebook) to say hello. And yes, it was one of the happiest celebrations of my life!

Second, I wanted to clarify the math of 40licious. Here's the great thing: You don't have to do too much word wrangling with this one, you're basically 40licious until you are 50licious. My brother is wondering about the male version of this, and has coined "40tastic." What do you think, from a use and branding perspective? Dudes, now's your chance to chime in! Ladies, would you date someone who's 40tastic, 40licious, or anything else?

You don't even have to remember exactly how old you are for, like, 10 years! Unless you are speed dating or trolling online for a mate, and in that case, you'd likely be very vague as well.

A Letter to the Girl in the Towel

Dear Current Occupant of My Former Residence on Rowena Street,

Busted. You realized that, as you stood at the door, hair in one towel, another wrapped around your LA-too-skinny ass.

I really tried to do this in the most civilized manner possible. I left a nice note. You didn't respond. I went again, with hopes that you would be home this time. You were.

Some advice, seeing as you're young and still living with roommates and clearly a Troglodyte and not a very nice person:

1. When the UPS delivery person brings a package that is NOT addressed to you or to anyone you live with or to anyone you know, DO NOT sign for it.
2. Said package is likely a gift from someone very dear to the intended recipient. It may be a gift, such as a silver box engraved with the intended's name on it for her 40licious birthday.
3. Because it is highly unlikely that your name is also Vanessa McGrady, this box will be of no use to you.
4. The sender will feel crappy that she went to all that trouble and wonder why recipient did not send a thank you note. At best, she will think recipient a thoughtless fool. At worst, she'll go over and over in her head all the possible reasons recipient could be mad at her. Which there have never been. We are talking about a 39-year friendship here.
5. If you must sign for packages that are not yours, at least send a thank you note.
6. When the clearly concerned intended recipient shows up at your door to explain the problem, in the nicest way possible, do not call her "babe." Especially do not call her "babe" repeatedly.
7. When you live in a major metropolitan location, do not answer the door in a towel. There are plenty of crackheads with crowbars and creepy magazine salespeople and pent-up Jehovah's Witnesses waiting for an opportunity like that.
8. You have to deal with your own karma.
9. Save up your pennies, girlie, and get a one-way ticket back to whence you came. Because being the kind of person you are, you will not make it here in LA. Or anywhere.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Vanessa

I Made It

I re-cut my movie, "40licious!" and this, folks, is the God's honest truth of what happened when I went to see Barry Manilow for my 40licious birthday in February. I invited about 75 people. Eight came. Perhaps not a great turnout, but I was shocked -- it was, probably, not the kind of thing I'd go to myself -- that these people loved me enough to get their heinies on a plane and check into the Las Vegas Hilton. There were even two from work who went with me, and of course I plan to repay their kindness and affection by blackmailing the hell out of them.

I don't know why it's fuzzy. Sorry about that. But anyway ...

40licious: The Movie!

Birthday. Vegas. Barry.

I am complete.

Today I turn 40

And I'm so excited. It's weird. I feel like I'm 9 3/4 going on 10. I know it's just a number, a day like any other day, a random point in time that looks nice in our base-10 number system.

But here's what turning 40 as a symbol means to me: That I can do whatever I want. That I've arrived to a place in my life where I've done about half my learning and have capacity for so much more. That I have nothing to fear.

I'm writing this blog mostly because I'm a writer and I felt like my old blog about moving to LA had outgrown itself once I stopped needing a map to get all over town. This blog is important to me because I want to voice what it's like being 40, especially in an age-adverse culture and city. 40. It's not what you think.

Actually, I wanted to call this blog "40 and Fuck 'em" but my friend Stephanie, who also turned 40 this week and who has excellent taste and a much cleaner mouth than I, thought that wasn't civilized. But she did give me a great idea (really, the thanks goes to Wendy, but that's really getting off topic) and I will now share 40 of the things I've learned.

1. I will do anything once. Twice if I liked it and you ask nicely.
2. Money is more like a river that flows than a box of apples that's all gone when you dump it out.
3. Take the high road. Even when it sucks and the high road is way the hell over there.
4. Love. Love. Love.
5. In corporate America, it is not OK to take a nap under your desk, even if it's only for 10 minutes. People freak out.
6. Dang, I'm only up to 6?
7. You can't date history or potential. You get someone as-is.
8. Yoga saves lives and makes people happier.
9. I'm a sucker for an Irish or English accent.
10. Wear glasses when you're negotiating. Also, clothing, but add glasses. Or not.
11. If that little nagging voice says don't do it, the one BEHIND the filter, you probably shouldn't.
12. Now that I'm 40, I can appreciate Yoko Ono. I see where she's coming from.
13. If you have a presentation for muckety-mucks, add a cute dog into the mix. It gets even the mucketiest of them.
14. The earth really doesn't need us. We are the most useless species on the planet. We should be really nice in case she decides to kick our collective ass.
15. Listening to Barry Manilow, drinking red wine and sending emails is a dumb and deadly combination. I know you'll do it anyway, but I warned you.
16. Add a little baking soda to a tomato-based sauce or soup and it will neutralize the acidity.
17. The person who mentions a number first loses.
18. If you speak from your heart, you can't be wrong. That's verbatim from my friend Pat de Vol Nadon.
19. There will always, always be another job.
20. Baking soda is an excellent, non-toxic alternative to other scrubbing cleaners, such as Comet.
21. A little vitamin E oil under your eyes every day will make you look young forever.
22. Better to eat one piece of really good chocolate than 10 pieces of crap.
23. If you're nice about it when someone screws up, it works out better in the end. That's why I am now the proud owner of a card entitling me to two free carpet shampoos and one free car wash.
24. Diana Ross' "Love Hangover" is one of the greatest songs of all time and it will instantly make you feel like a sexy diva when you play it a bit too loud. I don't care who you are or who you kiss. Seriously. Try it.
25. No matter how good your camera, you will never, ever be able to re-create that sunset, so don't even try.
26. When in doubt, be still. Be very, very still.
27. If you wrap something in Filo dough and bake it to a golden brown, even potted meat, people will think you are an amzaing cook.
28. ADDICT ITEM #1: If someone's an addict, and you decide to fall in love with him or her anyway, you're in for a world of hurt. Addicts shut down.
29. ADDICT ITEM #2: An addict, no matter how far into recovery, will reach for the object of desire if things get bad enough.
30. If someone is old, sick or dying and you think you should go see them, go. Go. Go.
31. Tell people you love them because it might be your last conversation ever. I know this is morbid, but it might. But also, my Aunt Corinne does this every time we talk on the phone and I always think of her saying that and it makes me happy.
32. If sunglasses are on sale at Target, get, like five pair.
33. ADDICT ITEM #3: Addicts are fun and gregarious and charming and we love, love, love them. It's just hard to remember the other stuff when you're in their personal spotlight.
34. If you quit sugar for three days, you kind of lose your taste for it.
35. If they tell you to evacuate the building, and then tell you to go back in, don't. Wait a loooooong time until you go back. This is how a lot of people died at 9/11.
36. Marriage might not be what I think it might be.
37. I'm happiest when I'm making something, or have just made it, or when people are enjoying whatever it is I've made, such as a play or film.
38. When somebody dies, you get one good surprise and one bad one in the aftermath.
39. If you're still reading this far, let me know with the key word "seamonkey" in the comment function.
40. You can rock pretty much any outfit -- you just have to have the aplomb. Think Lucy and Ethel in Paris.

Thanks for reading and I hope you come back.

Love,

Vanessa