How to Get a Rich Man and and Other Things You Might Need to Know

Today's guest is Donna Spangler, a beauty, fitness and lifestyle expert, blogger and author of "How to Get a Rich Man; The Princess Formula." But before you click off this page in disgust and think that she's undermining everything we've worked so hard for, read on to see what she means by "rich," it's better than it sounds. Donna is at work on another book and about to launch her line of Donna Spangler Beauty cosmetics. 

Donna Spangler

1. Finances get really complicated for couples when we're in our 40s, especially if there's a wide disparity in incomes. How can you avoid the money issue in a relationship?

Being a couple is first and foremost, a partnership.  When you commit to each other, you are committing to building a life together.  Complications with money usually occur when there is a lack of communication.  It is imperative that complex money issues are discussed with one another.  You need to both express where you each see the money going and how you feel it should be spent.  For example…Is the money going towards a vacation or towards the children’s school tuition?  You need to clearly lay out what each persons financial responsibility is and if the responsibility is fair.  Often one spouse makes more money than the other.  In this case, establish and understand that perhaps they will then carry the bulk of the financial obligations.  In a relationship, money should always be distributed in a fair and equal manner to ensure a harmonious and long relationship.  Any unfair distribution of finances will often lead to resentment and problems down the line.  The bottom line is to always lay down the ground rules of what each person expects of themselves and the other at the very beginning!    

2. You look amazing. What's your surprising secret, beyond genes, eating right and exercising?

I believe in doing everything possible to help maintain a vital and healthy body. Vitamins are very important for me.  I take them daily to ensure I am getting those vitamins that I may have missed in my diet.  I love protein shakes and I eat a ton of vegetables and very lean meat.  I exercise regularly with weights and I do Taekwondo and I make sure to get ample hours of sleep.  I drink a ton of water.  Water cleans out your body, helps promote healthy skin and it makes you feel fuller throughout the day so you don’t get as hungry.  I admit that like many gals out there, I do a little Botox here and there.  I go to the dentist regularly and I visit my hair stylist to maintain my hair cut and color.  Looking good is a heck of a lot of work.  The older we get, the more diligent we gals have to be. I’m not saying that I am trying to look like a teenager or someone in my 20s.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am just saying that as we age, keeping up our appearance and maintaining a strong body is important for our health and our mental well-being.

3. You wrote a book about how to marry a rich man. How is that different than gold digging? What else is important for women in their 40s to seek out in a mate that they might not have valued earlier in their lives?

My book, How To Get A Rich Man: The Princess Formula came out in 2007 and since then it has been translated into multiple languages.  The title is sort of tongue and cheek.  My main message in the book is for women to be the best that they can be to attract the right kind of man that is ultimately rich in heart and spirit.  If you can find one with an abundance of financial means, there is nothing wrong with that but it is not the most important thing.  Most women want a man who is loyal, loving, kind, considerate, humorous and respects them.  Finding a man with common interests and the same goals in life is important for the right chemistry.  You can find the richest man in the world but if he does not love and respect you, then he is worthless in my opinion.   

4. Anything else you think is important to know about life after 40? 

Life after 40 should be empowering!  After 40 we have finally gained so much wisdom and insight.  We should be fearless in going after all of our goals.  We should lose the fear that often traps us.  Don’t look at yourself as getting “old.” Look at yourself as getting “better” and empower yourself!  Start looking at yourself as someone who has a lot to contribute to this world.  Above all, spread your love and goodness and enjoy life’s ever-abundant journey!

Style: Shoe Season Begins Now

Gucci "Lisbeth" red patent leather Mary Jane peep-toe pump

The holidays are arriving quickly. I know this because I made a pumpkin-cream cheese swirly cake thing and ate half of it the day before I was going to enter it in the work Halloween baking contest. So I had to make another. (I won the contest, if you were wondering.) 

Which brings me to shoes. The pre-holiday season is really about shoes, not just because of leftover back-to-school feeling, but also because no matter how much we eat, we will fit in our shoes. The right shoe is the difference between you owning the room and merely displacing some air in it. Also, you can wear the same black dress every year and nobody will really notice or care, but the right accessories can send you home with a charming English base player just in town for a few days on tour. 

So I've recently interviewed a bunch of shoe experts for my book, including my new girl crush Meghan Cleary, from whom you will hear in the coming days. But first up is Linda Arroz, co-author of "Affordable Couture" and major fashion influencer.

Linda Arroz

About style: "What works in our 20s and 30s may not work for us in our 40s.  By the time you're 40 you may be well on your way to establishing a professional image in your career. In your 20s, you were more carefree, experimented with fashion, had a lot of fun and maybe even changed jobs a few times. The 30s bring about some clarity, maturity and are about building a body of work, perhaps having children."

About trends: "Unless you're a model, actress or exotic dancer, a lot of trendy stilettos may not work in your favor, especially at work. That's not to mean you can't be fashionable. A stylish platform pump with a high heel works for women in their 40s, while a shoe with 'no-heel' could make you look like you're trying too hard to be cool."

Indulge in the "no heel" look at your peril.

About classics: "Some shoes are timeless, like a 2-inch heel pump with either a pointed or oval toe box. Find your fit in a shoe like this and buy it in the season's trend color or material, as well as black. Try colored suedes in the fall, and leopard print, which has become a fashion classic, can be worn all year long in any style of shoe. Looking fashionable from head to toe means evaluating the shoe. Often the entire outfit is based around the shoe, if it's not right, everything looks off, regardless of your age, but especially in your 40s. If you work in a creative field, all bets are off. You wouldn't wear shoes or boots with lots of buckles and studs with a work suit, unless you work for an advertising agency or as a fashion designer."

About comfort: "Comfort counts more as you get older, but you don't have to sacrifice style. In your 40s you may be traveling or attending trade shows for work, or keeping up with your children. A lot of high-end shoe designers like Stuart Weitzman say that lower heels and flats are their most popular styles. Why else would the perennial ballet flat be so fashionable? If your feet hurt, it will show, and body language gives off signals. When you're in your 40s your confidence levels should be at an all time high. Don't give it all away because your desire to wear ill-fitting or higher heels won over logic. Podiatrists and other medical experts have been telling us for years about the health hazards of wearing stilettos. The higher the heel, the balls of the feet take on the bulk of your weight. Combined with a more narrow toe area, called the toe box, women experience a variety of problems like bunions and hammer toes. Do an internet search for celebrity feet, for example, and you'll see links to ugly and hideous feet suffering from these exact issues. Logic suggests that women's feet aren't shaped like a triangle, yet most women's shoes feature a narrower shape near the toes. High heels and platform shoes are often the culprits in ankle and feet fractures. I'm a fashion victim myself, having broken my left foot twice. The first time, my foot twisted sideways wearing cork wedgies, and a few years later, my fabulous burn out velvet platform slides bumped up against an uneven sidewalk and caused me to fall and twist the foot. I've since learned my lesson. Try watching women walking in their high heels. You'll observe the instability of the feet and ankle. Even runway models have been known to fall off their shoes. (Mashable posted a compilation video of models slipping and falling on the catwalk.)

A classic example is from an episode of 'Sex & The City' (season four, episode 'The Real Me') when Carrie slipped and fell down on the runway."

Beauty: Britain Bans L'Oreal Age-Erasing Ads

When Julia Roberts was the Pretty Woman, we were also wearing midriff-baring shirts and skirts that could better be described as big belts. When Christy Turlington was in Duran Duran's 1987 video, we were pretending to be Girls on Film in nightclubs. We all grew up together.

Recently Britain's Advertising Standards Authority banned L'Oreal's ads featuring Roberts and Turlington, saying that the photos of the 40licious women had been too doctored to fall within truth-in-advertising standards. Which reminds me of when Jamie Lee Curtis had a groundbreaking revelation in 2002 about what she really looks like without the Photoshop for a spread in More magazine.

Which makes me wonder if anyone at all really believes an over-the-counter cosmetic product could erase their life lines the megastars wear so beautifully on their faces? Come on, L'Oreal. We weren't born yesterday. Far from it.

Style: Don't Be Invisible

If you have to be invisible, do it like Jessica Alba.

My husband, Steve, and I got on the shuttle bus that took us from the LAX terminal to get our car. A woman in a pink sweatsuit got on. I looked at her. Matronly, short haircut. Of no particular color, just ashy. Maybe some makeup. Maybe some glasses. And then I realized she was about my age. In her 40s. I felt overwhelmingly sad.

I turned to Steve. "Tell me please, if I ever become invisible like that."

Now I don't know any back story on Pink Sweatsuit. Maybe she's a fashion rock star by day and she just happened to get off a 24-hour trans-Pacific flight from somewhere exotic. I'm talking more about the complaint I hear more and more often from my 50licious and 60licious sisters. "I'm invisible." They feel ignored by society and passed over in public. They have to speak up to let people know they are there.

But then I think of the women I know who are not invisible: All my 40licious girlfriends. My aunt Corinne who looks exactly the same as she did in 1970, not a gray hair on her head. My cousins Elizabeth, Maggie and Siobhan, who are whip-smart, funny as hell and have never stopped turning heads. My mom, an ethereal being with her long white hair, quip for everyone and prima ballerina posture.

Maybe sometimes you want to be invisible, like when you have a cold and have to slog to the grocery store for some Nyquil. Or when you're walking the dog and going straight back to bed after. Or maybe you just had a baby and it's all you can do to put on your own clean underwear. Other than that, I can't think of any good reasons.

Here are some 40licious ways to avoid being invisible:
1. Take a second to put on lip gloss, even if you aren't wearing other makeup. Even if you are alone. I carry about six with me at all times.
2. Comfy clothes that fit well = good. Comfy clothes that are roomy enough to hold a family of wombats and their friends = bad.
3. For your hair, pick a color. Any color. Just pick something. And if you can't "do" something with it, add a cute hat, scarf or pile it in an knot on your head.
4. If your wardrobe and eyeglasses are from the presidential era of George H.W. Bush or before, you need to go shopping.
4. Stand up straight, make eye contact, and smile.
5. Exercise regularly, or start walking places. Your chi, or life energy, is your true beauty.

Spirit: Naomi Wolf Busts the "Aging Myth"

"I know — finally — what I like to wear and am comfortable not bothering with what I don’t. I love not being in physical competition with other women. I love being able to appreciate the beauty of other women and feeling appreciated myself — and appreciating myself."-- Naomi Wolf

Naomi Wolf is the embodiment of 40licious, and sums it up in her Washington Post story. Photo: Washington Post

I can't recall being any great beauty, any time in my life. Except maybe a window at about 3 years old when my mother dressed me up and got some charming headshots taken of me in a dress and a hat with elephants painted on it. I was a little blonde with an updo.

Then a tomboy and after that an awkward teen with the absolutely wrong curly hair for the coveted Farrah Fawcett feathering. I spent my college years tromping around in a tiny skirt and Betsey Johnson lycra tank top with red roses all over it, bartending and waitressing. I don't think I'd call that beautiful. But in my 20s Naomi Wolf brought us "The Beauty Myth," a tome on the skewed perception and creation of American beauty. She validated my simultaneous rejection and craving for ideal beauty, and informed the rest of my life. I scoffed at women who were too "done" as I lived out part of my 30s in a cabin in the woods, in a uniform of jeans and Timberlands and a huge green wooly sweater stolen from an Irish boyfriend, and then would go to the salon and spend half my meager earnings on getting my hair done.

Now at 40licious, I'm not feeling the pull to start with the Botox shots. Yes, I'm slightly aghast when I see a picture that shows crinkle lines around my eyes, or the indomintable poof around my waist. (I think I've trained myself to not see these things in the mirror, holding my face a certain way, or positioning my body just so.)

And here's Naomi Wolf again, this time in the Washington Post, summing up the 40licious credo: We've learned and earned our way to the sweet spot in our life, and we're still hot. In her piece, she talks about how we were all so worried about becoming invisible, marginalized, pushed aside by newer younger blonder versions of ourselves. But it didn't happen. It didn't happen because we take care of ourselves. Because we went out and did interesting things and blazed our own paths. Which made us more attractive than any series of Botox injections could. And instead of being in competition with the 20somethings, we'll help move them along to become amazing 40licious women like us.

Naomi, I hereby induct you into the 40licious Hall o' Fame for how well you put into words what we're thinking. Thank you for all you've done, all you do, and all you will do.

Health: More Magazine Founder Speaks on Surviving Cancer, and Her 40s

I found a lovely blog, Breast Cancer Sisterhood, in which the author interviews a founding editor of More Magazine, Lois Joy Johnson. The piece is a nicely crafted perspective on health and beauty and what it all means after a cancer diagnosis.

"Cancer really rearranges your priorities. It makes you grateful for good health and encourages you to take care of yourself so that you’re healthy going forward. It’s great to look beautiful. We all want to be forever sexy and attractive. We’re the first generation of women in our 50s and 60s who look this way," Johnson says in the interview.

Johnson is 50licious, but she's got some great advice for those of us in our 40s. If we want to evolve in better shape, with more grace, fewer wrinkles and a touch more wisdom, we'll listen to her.

Beauty: Chelsea Lowe: Are You Trying Too Hard or Not Hard Enough?

"You can easily look ten years younger. Twenty-five? Less realistic. I believe we should take a lesson from the French and try to look as good as we can—not as young as we can."

Author Chelsea Lowe takes steps to show that beauty begins within.

This is the second part of our series with beauty expert Chelsea Lowe. She's got a new beauty-related app coming soon for iPhones and iPads; we'll let you know when that's available.

1. We pay much more attention to our skin in our 40s. Why is it so different than what we had?
After about age 30, women’s facial skin begins to lose elasticity, radiance and moisture. At about 40, we start seeing those dreaded fine lines: crow’s feet, nasolabials (nose-to-mouth indentations) and so on. Women have more delicate facial skin than men, which is why we notice aging about a decade earlier.

Facial skin becomes less forgiving. Chances are that, in your thirties, you could eat whatever you wanted, get by on too little rest, and still look good. If you can do this after 40, you’re a lucky gal!

2. Let's talk about trying too hard when it comes to beauty.

Well, some women go a bit far: multiple “procedures,” or clothes, makeup, hairstyles or colors that are too young, or just no longer working. Unnaturally white teeth … Or do you mean holding ourselves to unrealistic standards? Every woman I know has been guilty, at some point, of coveting. We know this. Both kinds of “trying too hard” come from not being happy with ourselves. It’s well established that, almost from infancy, girls are given impossible models to look up to. I won’t even go into the heartbreaking ethnic implications for generations of women.

So, whether by nature (remember that evolution designed us to care about desirability) or culture, the result is that few women are happy as they are: the flat-chested gal wants to be Barbie; those with curly hair want straight. Few are content with their weight.

The best thing to do is to embrace what you can’t change, live with what you’re willing to live with--then disguise the rest!

Trying too hard can also mean not accepting things like gravity. I’m very into not going gently—but you also want to feel good about yourself even if you’re a few pounds over your ideal, or developing a little flab. You can still look and feel beautiful!

You can easily look ten years younger. Twenty-five? Less realistic. I believe we should take a lesson from the French and try to look as good as we can—not as young as we can.

Believe it or not, what I see more of is women who don’t try hard enough! So many of us are so busy—especially at this time of life. Many are parents or grandparents or caregivers, in peak productivity years. For a lot of women, this means skipping makeup, exercise, proper nutrition and rest. And, of course, good-quality sleep can prove elusive as we get into our forties and beyond, as insomnia can be a byproduct of menopause. Family tension is not conducive to restful sleep, either. Plus, you have all these TV experts berating women, when they should be encouraging any effort. I think that intimidates some gals out of trying.

A tip: Do at least one thing to care for yourself as soon as you get up for the day: exercise, food prep, makeup. I’ll have to get back to you about how to get a good night’s sleep!

3. If you had to pack only three beauty items for an extended trip, what would they be and why?
May I count my makeup kit as one item?

I’m more about practice than product, but:

• My number-one would be Vaseline. It’s cheap and makes the skin soft, supple and moist. Great for eyelids, too (but use sparingly, if at all, under makeup). I'm also hearing encouraging things about shea butter and other vegetable-based oils.
• After that, if it were a long trip, I’d want Renova (a Retin-A derivative). 
• And good-quality tweezers, but maybe that’s just me. 
• Sunscreen would be a good idea.

For a shorter trip, I’d skip the Renova and take along a makeup item, probably lip gloss. (Makeup lady tip: after 40 or so, taper off of reds and look toward pink and nude shades. Plum, for some complexions. Oh, and if you color your hair, think about returning to your original shade.)


4. Please discuss the mind-body connection. More or less important in one's 40s, or the same?
Oh, yeah. Big connection. Beauty is about attitude. If you feel unattractive—and what woman doesn’t at some point?—Just Say No! Say to yourself out loud, “I am beautiful!” or something similar. (OK, maybe not out loud. But, when you pass a mirror, make a point of noticing your best features. It’s just as easy as focusing on those you like less.) Notice when your efforts pay off. And remember, chances are some woman longs for what you’ve got!

Beauty: Chelsea Lowe with the Lowdown on the Most Important Things to Know

"Get the sleep you need, even if it means going to bed crazy early."
 

Author Chelsea Lowe. Don't you instantly want her to be your best friend?

Today's post comes from Chelsea Lowe, a writer who is a beauty and a beauty expert. Through her consulting business, she speaks  to students, corporate employees, women in transition and individuals. She's health and beauty editor at CommitmentNow.com, and the author of two mental-health books and many published essays and features. Look for her iPhone app soon! I had originally asked Chelsea a bunch of questions about beauty but her answers were so good and so full that she's gotten herself a 40licious series. Here's the first entry. 


Q. What are the most important things to know about beauty in your 40s?

A. It’s all about effort! If you want it, you can have it. It takes a little work, but I think it’s worth it. Here’s what to do:

• Watch what you eat. Whatever you put into your body shows up on your face. Good stuff: salmon, cantaloupe or honeydew melon, romaine lettuce, parsley, blueberries, strawberries, egg whites, asparagus, spinach, green apples—and, in moderation, olive oil, almonds, avocados, tuna, pears, egg yolks, lean protein. 
• Drink lots of water and unsweetened green tea. 
• Avoid products made with processed white flour, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. Sounds excruciating, I know! But it’s OK to enjoy a treat a week. Once you see the difference diet makes, you might just “convert—” as I did! I recommend The Perricone Prescription diet as a starting point. I’m also intrigued by Stop Aging, Start Living, by Dr. Jeannette Graf and Alisa Bowman.
• Get the sleep you need, even if it means going to bed crazy early.
• Try to manage stress. 
• Sleep on your back, unless you have a heart condition. If that’s not possible, buy a silk or satin pillowcase and a “stomach sleeper” pillow.
• Exercise. This includes the face. Take care, though. Some experts, including Paula Begoun, discourage facial exercise, because it can, in some cases, deepen existing lines. Sadly, I have seen this firsthand. Find a program that works for you. The face will sag as surely as the rest of the body if not exercised regularly.
• Schedule a lesson with a professional makeup artist. It’s not as costly as you might think and is the only way to learn the best products, colors and techniques for your face. (After that, poke around online for makeup videos to your heart’s content.) Oh, and it’s such a pick-me-up.
• Care for your skin. Moisturize, steam occasionally, exfoliate a little, use a good sunscreen, stay away from hot sun, cigarettes and foods and other substances that cause premature aging.
• Find a great hair stylist … and a great friend if your fashion sense is not all it could be.

40licious Beauty: Facial Exercises Keep You Younger Looking Longer

We are incredibly blessed to have a post today from Carole Maggio, a spa owner and beauty expert who has unlocked the secret to looking younger with what she calls Facercise." She is considered the world’s foremost authority on "face exercises and has helped restore the appearances of Hollywood film personalities who have had too many plastic surgeries. And she's gone and made a video especially for 40licious! Give it a try, and maybe delay that Botox a little while longer -- or forever.




As we grow older and reach our 40s, our facial skin begins to loosen and we start to show more significant signs of aging. Most creams and facial applications address the topical health of the skin, but what about underneath the skin? Fortunately, there are alternatives that address the causes of aging, instead of just treating the symptoms. This can even be done without expensive medical procedures or surgery, just a few simple exercises each day to improve the tone and tightness of one’s face.

The program is called Facercise: a series of daily facial exercises designed to strengthen all of the muscles in the face. As regular exercise tones different muscles in the body, face exercises keep the face muscles toned. It is easy to maintain a daily face exercise routine for the areas of the face that you wish to target, and it is recommended to do face exercises when you start to see the first signs of sagging skin or notice areas of the face that you wish to improve. Face exercises can also be used to re-align noses and other parts of the face, to achieve a more symmetrical look.

Some of the results of doing face exercises can be:

• Raised or lifted eyebrows
• Enlarged eye sockets, which result in the eyes appearing more open and vibrant
• Diminished puffiness under the eyes
• A shorter or narrower nose (the nose grows with age, creating an aged appearance)
• Fuller lips, turned up young looking mouth corners
• Toned and defined chin, neck and jaw line
• Better, rosier complexions

Because the muscles are directly targeted, they improve the contours of the face from beneath the skin, plumping the cheeks and bringing blood flow to the muscles. Early signs of aging can help be prevented by eating healthy foods, drinking water, wearing sunscreen on a daily basis, and doing a regular facial exercise program. Positive results of doing face exercises can be seen in only a few days. You can tone, tighten and smooth the chin, neck, and jaw line, lift your brow, or achieve fuller lips at home, without the need for Botox or other expensive procedures. The best part about facial exercises is that you can do them anywhere: in your car, in the bath, in the checkout line, or anywhere!

Maggio has also helped restore the appearances of many Hollywood film personalities who have had too many plastic surgeries, and has written her own book called Facercise, and there's also a DVD. You can also visit her spa in Redondo Beach, or take a class via Skype. Visit her online or call 1-800-597-3555.

40licious Health: Eating Disorders Harder to Treat in Older Women

"If you are bingeing and purging and/or starving and cannot seem to stop, it is time to contact a professional who can guide you onto a healthy path. These dysfunctional behaviors won’t stop on their own unless you get to the underlying cause of them."

Lauren Lazar Stern, author of "The Slender Trap"

Today’s guest post comes from Lauren Lazar Stern, an art psychotherapist and professional counselor who has practiced for more than 25 years. She maintains a busy private practice in Pittsburgh, treating girls and women who suffer from eating disorders and body-image disturbance. 

There are a lot of issues that can trigger negative coping mechanisms, such as eating disorders, for people in their 40s: being unhappily single, divorce, infertility, loss of a loved one, and issues with children. Overcoming an eating disorder is very hard work.

In the 25 years that I have been in practice, approximately one third of my clients have been in their 40s. Women in their 40s who have anorexia, bulimia, or other eating disorders are usually veterans of this disease and more than likely they have been struggling with food restriction and negative body image for many years. Most of the time these behaviors are so comforting and emotionally soothing that letting go of their obsessive food thoughts and hatred towards their bodies is unheard of. To change these behaviors is quite a difficult feat because of the habitual nature of the disease, and it takes a huge amount of work to undo the long-term damage. Young girls and young adults have an easier time recovering because their disease process is not so entrenched. In general, the earlier the disease is addressed, the more hopeful the prognosis becomes.

Over the years I have come to refer to “the slender trap” as my term for the food and body traps that women find themselves in when they are lonely, sad, out of control, and just plain miserable. They become obsessed with their bodies and their weight and they begin to take out their misery on themselves. They can barely think of anything else but how thin they want to be. These thoughts become obsessive. These women lose touch with life’s realities and need to find a way out.

In general, the three most important things to do if you think you might have bulimia, anorexia, or other eating disorders are:

1. admit that you may have a problem
2. seek help
3. commit to the recovery process

If you are bingeing and purging and/or starving and cannot seem to stop, it is time to contact a professional who can guide you onto a healthy path. These dysfunctional behaviors won’t stop on their own unless you get to the underlying cause of them.

Although I always recommend strongly that women with possible eating disorders seek professional assessment and treatment, I have also written The Slender Trap: A Food and Body Workbook for those who cannot find an appropriate therapist right away or who are not ready to go through that process for one reason or another. Readers of this self-help manual are led through a series of forty drawing and writing exercise that enable them to clarify whether or not they have an eating disorder and/or body image disturbance and to work on these behaviors in a non-threatening way.

The Slender Trap has been extremely effective in working with women of all ages, including those in their 40s. One 45-year-old woman, after having worked through the entire workbook, hasn’t binged or purged in a full glorious 54 days. Another woman who just turned 40 wrote in and reported that she had her first donut since her 15-year break from sugary foods, and that she did not feel guilty eating it. She told me: “The Slender Trap taught me that I am allowed to have a sweet once in a while … just not 10 of them!”

COMMENT: Have you ever had an eating disorder? What did you do?

See Lauren on WPXI Pittsburgh 
Order The Slender Trap: A Food and Body Workbook

40licious Health: Why Dieting Makes You Look Old

It's an eternal paradox as you hit 40licious. You're spending money on creams that you couldn't afford and didn't need 10 years ago. You work hard to be toned and thin. But the lack of fat is an opportunity for wrinkles. When the skin loses elasticity it sags and doesn't bounce back as well. The other day I slept weird on a blanket and had marks in my face until lunchtime. I was horrified. And I'm not even on a crash diet.

There is a way to mitigate all this, says the fabulous Los Angeles beauty writer, Alene Dawson. Check out her latest LA Times piece that warns against extreme dieting and what actually works without aging you. And here's some good news for those of us who wish we could fast but can't make it past the 11 a.m. donuts: Master Cleanse is out!

40licious Style: Doing Hair and Choosing Glasses in Your 40s

Style Strategist Audrey Beaulac has told us at 40licious that we need to get rid of the fat clothes and self-recrimination in our closets. That we need to start dressing the part of the wise women we are in order to be taken seriously. Today is the third post in our 40licious Style series with Beaulac in which we discuss finishing off your own signature look.

If you’re in your 40s and spending an inordinate amount of time and money on your tresses, style strategist Audrey Beaulac wants to know one thing: “Why are you fighting your natural hair?”

Chances are, you have a family or career or social life – or combination of any of those – that take a lot of time. Why would you waste precious minutes on your hair?

“Skin and hair change in your 40s,” she says. “In your 40s you likely don’t have to wash your hair as often.” So that’s good news – there are lots of ways to repurpose yesterday’s hairstyle.

The first stop is getting a really good cut, Beaulac says. “ I know people who spend thousands on their clothes but get a cheap haircut.” If you have a bad cut, it will never behave. It will grow out and you’ll just end up putting it into a ponytail all the time. Your hair will become your enemy. Nobody wants that.

"The Rachel." What were we all thinking?

There are two people in a hair relationship: you and your stylist. At least one of you has to be a progressive and positive force. So if you’re insisting on the same cut you’ve had since you were 25, kiss The Rachel goodbye and let your stylist bring you into 2011. If your stylist can’t make the transition, you may have to bid adieu.

When you’re at the first appointment with a new hairdresser, Beaulac says, that is not the time or place to ask for radical transition. Pictures aren’t helpful if he or she doesn’t have a sense of how you live and who you are, if you’ll commit to color, and if you’ll be able to use product correctly.

You’ll also want your stylist to help you with a reality check. Beaulac recalls a client who always kept her badly home-colored hair in a bun. Her rationale: “I play tennis and want to pull it back.” She was gently coaxed into getting a sleek bob. She also let it go gray naturally, and got her natural lustrous shine back.

Being a 40licious person, you also may need to start thinking about glasses. Ordering the rare squid parfait on a menu because you can’t read it won’t make you look any younger. Even Beaulac herself once waited 12 extra hours in the airport because she was too vain to put her readers on, and mistook 8 p.m. for 8 a.m. on her ticket.

Audrey Beaulac rocking big frames. Own it, woman!

“You’re 40, you’re not fooling anyone, the gig is up! If you need them to see, you need them to see,” she says.

She offers this advice on choosing and wearing frames:

• Take a picture of yourself in them to see how you really look.
• Almost as important as your frames is how your eyebrows look. “The painting changes the minute you frame it,” she says.
• Keep your lashes dark and draw a light line at the lash base, which will help open your eyes up behind the lenses.

Your smile is probably the first thing others notice about you, but don’t be too quick to jump into new whitening technologies, Beaulac says. “People go crazy on teeth whitening. Don’t damage them to get them as white as possible unless you’re a movie star. Some people have naturally ivory teeth.”

Finally, she reminds us that beauty is an inside job. “If you have a habit that’s causing you to want plastic surgery – say, smoking, frowning, eating too much – you’ll still end up with the same problem,” she says, “If you have stress in your life, that will show up in your face.”

So get thee to yoga, put down the BlackBerry, dust off that novel you’ve wanted to read and pour yourself a good cup of tea. After all, you’ve earned it.

40licious Style: Shopping and Organizing Your Closet

This is our second post from an interview with Audrey Beaulac, who tells us things we probably already knew, but couldn't put into words.

Audrey Beaulac is very 40licious

Style strategist Audrey Beaulac wants you to throw out anything you don’t love, doesn’t make you feel good, or is no longer working for you. Especially your fat clothes.

“Like a big handbag, big sweatpants will fill up. When your normal clothes start feeling tight, that’s the warning for you to cut back,” she says.

But perhaps none of your clothes fit that well anymore. “You have to be realistic about who you are,” she says, and your 40s is a really important time to define your style. “A lot of clothes in your closet come with a story. You should only have good stories in your closet. Get rid of the self-recrimination in your closet.”

Assessing takes a while. Leave some space to thoroughly go over what you can let go from your closet, and to understand what is still working well. “It’s OK to like what you like,” Beaulac says.

What if you’re still not sure if something is a tosser? “Get your picture taken in it,” Beaulac says, “then get ready to work. Instead of condemning yourself, get ready for some feedback. When you do it on film. You don’t have the same projection cycle as you do in the mirror.”

The trick to keep in mind is to play up your assets and make sure the clothes you keep are highlighting the good stuff you’ve got. If you focus on something you don’t like about your body, say a poochy belly or wide hips, chances are you’ll subconsciously draw attention to them in your clothing. And no matter who you are and how you look, a little advice from Mom goes a long way: keep your posture long and straight, and keep your voice strong but soft.

Jared! Throw out your fat pants!

For building your improved wardrobe, Beaulac suggests starting with the basics: your underwear. As your body changes, chances are your bra size will too, and you most likely are due for a bra fitting. “Be realistic,” she says. She suggests Nordstrom or Linda the Bra Lady. “Look for silhouettes that make you feel good about yourself.

The rear view is equally important – there should be no pantylines. “Spanx are great, but remember, anywhere you squish in, it’s going to come out somewhere else,” Beaulac says.

When you’re ready to move forward with your wardrobe, don’t pay attention to size – fit is what matters. If you’re ordering online, measure yourself and match that to the site’s size chart. And don’t get too attached to the product until it arrives and it works. “Internet ordering is getting better and better about returns,” she says, calling out Amazon.com, Zappos and Boutiques.com as good examples of pleasant and efficient shopping experiences.

She offers this caveat, however: “If you’re looking around and there are boxes all over the place and the clothes are not making you feel very good about yourself, you need to reassess.”

Feeling forlorn about how to conquer all this? Arrange a clothing swap, aka “Naked Lady Party” with your girlfriends. It’s the perfect excuse to take a harsh edit of your closet, takes some risks with new looks, and get honest advice from people who care. Best of all, it doesn’t cost a dime and you can donate all the leftovers to charity.

NEXT UP IN 40LICIOUS STYLE: FINISHING TOUCHES

Some New Year's Thoughts for You

My grandmother Grace McGrady painted this, looking out her second-story window onto Central Park West at 85th Street.

The flight from last year wasn't nearly as desperate, it seems, as years before. Around here, 2010 was full of goodness and beauty. I married the best man I have ever met, and gained a beautiful new family as a happy byproduct. A Chihuahua puppy we named Cinco found us and made us his pack. Lucy the beagly mutt got older and deafer and a little more daft, but she gained a new kind of sweetness and prompts extra compassion from us. We met neighbors who quickly became like extended family, with the bonus that there is a lot of good food cooking over there all the time. I kept an excellent job and played nicely with others. There were no tragic losses of the immediate and personal ilk. I watched life unfold -- very much wanted babies for two 40licious women I love, two Christmastime engagements (in one of them, I'm getting a daughter-in-law!), Natalie's wedding, Lisa and Kathlyn and Joanna back at school to make the world a better place for all of us. I reconnected with Liza, the daughter of my mother's best friend in the 1970s, my friend as a child. As we compared our common childhood horrors and the sometimes baffling family dynamics of girls growing up at a very particular time in New York City, I felt a puzzle piece snap into place. I will never, ever let her go.

Here is what I hope for you (and truth be told, me) in 2011:

1. You are temporarily disabled by something so hilarious that you cannot do anything but laugh and laugh and try to catch your breath.
2.  You get enough physical exercise on a daily basis. People who don't move get old, really quickly. For old people who move, extra blessings to you. Also, exercise makes people nicer.
3. That you spend several nights or more on the couch with people and possibly pets you love, watching films that move you or entertain you to a profound degree.
4. That you make something beautiful, even if is only for yourself.
5. That some kind of little miracle happens for you, just when you need it the most.

Happy New Year.

Love,

Vanessa

PS -- Some great resolutions, in case you're looking for some ideas to make yourself a better version of who you are, are over at Undecided. I absolutely love those women.

The 40licious Bride: Part II

I'm a very practical person, which is handy, because I am also a very environmentally conscious person. Most of the stuff I have has been either gifted, found, traded, or ThriftScored.

We're trying to be as sustainable as possible with our wedding. For the most part, that's easy. We've chosen a local caterer who uses fresh seasonal foods that don't have to be hauled in from far away places like Chile. The wine is from the very terra on which we will marry. The plates and napkins were foraged from Goodwill -- they're beautiful and Holly can use them again for other weddings. All flowers are beautiful and I don't care what they are, as long as they're seasonal and will last two days. I was forced to compromise a little on the dress though. I tried on dresses my friends offered to lend and they weren't quite right. I scoured Craigslist and jeez, there's a reason people are trying to get rid of some of those dresses: think Laura Ingalls Wilder Prom from Hell. I found one I loved, it was a great deal, and they sent my order off to some third-world country where I'm sure there's a tiny child stitching the flower on the ribbon right this very second.

Like any self-respecting 40licious woman who has taken the scenic route to her first wedding, I am feeling a great deal of deservedness. The other day I had an hour to kill on Melrose. So I thought I'd skip into my favorite shoe store, John Fluevog. He's one of those designers who upends my rational thought around money and resources.

And then I saw them. The most beautiful shoes in the world. The shoes I must have in order to be perfect as I walk down a grassy path through an apple orchard to my groom. They're a light suede. They are uncomfortably expensive. And I might get horse poop on them.

No matter. In the lifelong pursuit of beauty and truth, and this is just a small victory.

Instant Karma

I've been in LA five years and forget sometimes that you can have anything you want, pretty much simultaneously at the instant you want it. Money, food, French food, Thai food, Ukranian food, obscure vitamins and health products, shark fin, a maid, guns, cars, pets ... the list goes on. And hair.

Of course hair. This is the place where nobody bats and eye at a good boob job or a newly streamlined nose (and tsk tsks at badly done ones).  At my hairdresser, I timidly explained that I might want extensions for my wedding. She told me the place to go -- about 10 minutes away -- and I walked into the Hair Shop (which is truly that) and in five minutes and $125 later, had my own lush coiffure in a bag.

It'll need a little adjusting to match my color. Growing up always with long, curly hair, in the 45 minutes that I have been wearing them, I feel more like myself with the extensions than without them.

And to think I have been pounding Omega 3s for months in hopes to grow, grow, grow my hair long for my August wedding.

In LA, you can buy anything. Which is scary and comforting at the same time.

I wouldn't normally read a magazine for 40-year-olds, except that they have a LOT of info for 40licious people. The thing that drives me nuts is when a gorgeous 40licious woman resigns and gets all frumpy before her time. There's no fighting getting older, but at least, ladies, let's do it in style.

Oh, and don't let the 19-year-old models fool you. This does work for us.

A really important message

Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

Got some change

In my last post I expressed great desire for change. I got some!

I'm not sure who I look like, but it's not myself.

Operation Beautiful

I am a huge fan of Operation Beautiful. Here's how it works: Write an anonymous note to someone on a post-it or whatever, and then just leave it for anyone to see. This could be in a public bathroom, on the bus, between the pages of a library book -- wherever.

It's like adding a little change into your good karma piggy bank.