Mother's Day Edition Part II: Instant Karma Got Me

So here I am being all snarky and crazy because of the all the nutty things my mother is saying. I want to write them down and use them as blogging gold. I will add to my previous post:

1. Whenever you try shoes on you have to make sure you don't tip over!
2. Watch your bag! Watch your bag! Watch your bag! (screamed from across DSW)
3. To Chinese foot massage guy: My daughter is single! And she's a millionaire!

However, she does come through with gems that are so profound and true. And things I can't possibly understand until many, many years later. And I am humbled beyond all confession. Like these, for example:

1. Whatever you want to be doing 10 years from now, you have to start today.
2. Don't let anyone put you on a pedestal. Because they can knock you right off, and then where will you be?
3. What you see is what you get, kid.

I'm really glad she's here.

40licious: Special Mother's Day Edition

My mother has come to visit for the weekend. She has brought her dog, Miss Chi, and we are all happily ensconced in our little home here.

The good thing about having your mom come visit is that there is always an expanded opportunity for learning! For example! In the last 12 hours, I have learned:

1. That the shell necklace I sometimes wear around my neck might slough cells into my skin! And that I shouldn't wear it!
2. That I might get hit by a car if I don't look while I'm crossing the street!
3. That I should wear my work glasses for work, and my other glasses when I'm not at work!
4. That dogs are aliens that have come to Earth to help mankind!

More momisms to come!

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.

You've Got To Hide Your Love Away

One very good thing about being 40licious is that your powers of insight become more finely honed. You can scan situations and people and get a read in mere fractions of a seconds. Bionic, pretty much. However.

However.

However, when you turn your powers on your own 40licious self, you can be in for a world of awakening, and not all of it good. For example.

I have just paid close attention to some of my patterns and I fear that I might have a problem with intimacy. Which might explain why I've been laid more than I've been married. Not that I'm counting, and not that either happens that often these days, but I can tell you I've been married ZERO times. (There was the post-911 Big Sparkly Diamond Engagement, but that doesn't count at all.) I'm thinking that when it comes time to get to the inner chamber with someone else, I suddenly have to go back to the car for tissues and gum and did I check the antifreeze and maybe I have to vacuum the upholstery ... and so on.

So in the spirit of furthering education, if you are dating me, if you plan to date me, or if you mistakenly believe you are dating me, here are some helpful tips to help us both negotiate my issue:

1. I might check out. If I do this, it's not you, it's me. In all seriousness. It could go like this: You're probably being lovely and affectionate, and I'm making up cute couples nicknames for us ala Brangelina and Bennifer. Then suddenly, you zoom in for an innocent peck on my cheek and I feel like I have to run hard and fast and dunk my face in a five-gallon bucket of PinkBerry. Don't worry, though, this feeling will probably pass. I hope you like PinkBerry too.

2. If #1 occurs, your best bet is to just lay low for a while and let me get my breath back. It's helpful to know that you are a good and solid person and that you will be there on the other side.

3. For me, if we're sleeping in the same bed, me putting my pinky under your thigh is exactly the same currency as you spooing on me, only without the sweatiness and awkward positioning. Unless one of us has had a bad dream.

4. I will always tell you the truth. But sometimes you have to ask me very personal questions, because I don't like to begin hard conversations. I do, however, usually feel better after a hard conversation, and you probably do too.

5. If I break up with you, and then make out with you on the beach the next day, we are probably not exactly broken up. It's a way for me to establish control.

6. Check in with my vibe from time to time. You might be wondering aloud about if we should retire in cowboy country or Tibet or the East Village, and I might just want to get in the bath and read Real Simple. By myself. With the door closed. It's not that I don't want to spend the rest of my years making yak butter sculptures with you -- I probably do -- but I won't come up with any good ideas for them unless I'm fully there.

7. Love. Love. Love.

8. Do your own thing. I will like you better. You will like yourself better. Let me miss you. We will have more to talk about when you come home.

9. Be my rock. Be cool. Be sure.

10. It's never about what it's about.

Tonight I wish I had a big declaration to make. I wish I could say I've given it all up to move to Montana and open a junk store. A small town, perhaps, where recycling is encouraged, and they need just my brand of savoir faire for a cafe-slash-artspace that I will open. Also, you could buy the stuff in the cafe if you wanted, like the cup or the table.

But I don't have that tonight. I am not getting married. I am not pregnant. I am not going to get my masters' degree, and I am not even going to freak on the Haagen Dazs in the freezer. I'm living my little life, in little glendale. Which has become Big Glendale over the weekend, with the introduction of the Americana at Brand, a high-end shopping mecca that has made our depressing, dusty main drag a kind of Vegasdisney. Suddenly there are shrubs and grass and a pond and a Kiehl's. And an 18plex theater.

My first thought upon sighting this was, "Wow, maybe if people buy more crap it will make our Salvation Army better."

Here's to trickling down.

Green Living

Two of my stories came out in Parent & Child magazine:

Green Up Your Act
and
Work It Out

Enjoy!

Once Upon a Time

A long, long time ago (2002) in a galaxy far, far away (Seattle), my friend Alison scored tickets for something called the "Second Chance Prom." It was supposed to be for people who were losers in high school (like us) who didn't get a chance to attend their prom (or something went horribly wrong if they did).

Well. It was all fun and '80s with some Loverboy-spouting cover band, so we completely got in the spirit of things and dressed up in OUR '80s clothes -- Alison, as you can see, in a horrible upholstery bridesmaid's dress and matching Dyeables, and me, like a small, talented man who, at that time, had an unpronounceable symbol for his name.

We went to the fancy hotel. "Ha ha ha," we said, as we looked for other kindred spirits in horrid robin's egg blue tuxedos and Holly Hobbie prom dresses. We didn't see them in the lobby. Actually, we saw some people who looked very, very nice, in an upscale wine tasting-cocktail party kind of way, going toward the door of the ballroom.

And when we got in, we realized they were ALL upscale, wine tasting types who TOOK THIS VERY SERIOUSLY and really wanted it to be like their prom. Only, they were grown ups. We were quickly ushered to a corner table, which was populated only by the Ren Faire couple. They weren't that fun and asked us point blank if we were lesbians. But they did win king and queen of the Second Chance Prom.

England pictures are up!

I will not bore my friends by showing them my vacation photos. However, if you would like to see them, they're here.