Spirit: 10 Useful Things to Know in Your 40s

Each year, Kathlyn makes a German chocolate cake for me, last year's is shown above. She could stab me in the eye with a crochet hook and I would still love her for remembering the cake every year. Oh, and the bubbles? That was a byproduct of getting engaged.

Today is my 43rd birthday. I am 40licious for the fourth time, which is of course a thrill. I started this blog in 2008 on my first 40licious birthday because I was so excited about the milestone. I love how the blog has evolved, from navel-gazing essays on the things that I learned to talking with wise people in an effort to provide a field guide to those of us who want to navigate our 40licious time together. Here are some thing I have learned and would share with any sister turning 40 or who is in her 40s:

1. Your relationships will be more complicated. If you are single and think you can have a partner without getting someone without baggage at this point you are way, way way off and will have a long lonely time of it. Prepare for step-kids, ex-spouses who may be insane or completely delightful, and in general, a crazy-quilt family. It will never, ever be what you expect, but it might be much better.
2. Figure out your money right this second. When you are done reading, sharing, liking and commenting on this page, understand how much you really have, how much you owe, what you need to live on, where you can cut spending, and how much you need for retirement and how you will get there. You can't keep putting it off -- just sock away $20 a week if that is all you can swing.
3. Cut out the clutter. You've accumulated a lot of stuff at this point. What do you really need? Are you hanging on to books, clothes, souveneirs, pictures, knicknacks, etc. only because you have always kept them? What can you digitize? What can you just keep in your heart without a physical manifestation? 
4. Tell everyone you love that you love them. Who knows, they could be gone in a nanosecond. Or you could. Fix your petty crap with your family and friends because it is not the way you want to leave it. If God forbid something happens, hopefully the last time you saw your mother you were not super pissy about how she didn't like the Christmas present you had made especially for her and vowed never to get her anything nice again. Which reminds me, I have to call my mother.
5. Slay your energy vampires. Of course we are not talking about physical harm, but who are the people who drain your energy? If you say your family and that's different, guess what, it's not. You don't have to 86 them, but give them less of yourself. Give more of yourself to what gives you life and makes you feel like you're new. On your death bed, you don't want to be wishing you had put up with more BS because you feared the guilt. That is your own mental construct -- you can choose to feel guilt or not.
6. Take care of yourself. This is kind of an obvious one but put a premium on the time and money it takes to pull yourself together. If it means getting up early to go to yoga or skipping your lunch hour to go to the gym, do it. If it means getting a facial instead of new jeans, do it. If it means ordering water instead of wine like everyone else is having, do it. As our 50licious friends tell us, there is pretty much no turning back at this point. Work it, ladies.
7. Decide to be lovely. You have choices for every word and every interaction in your life. You can chirp "good morning" to your cube mate in your office and comment on her attractive sweater. Or you can just grumble your usual "mrrrnng" and get to work. Why not make the day a tiny bit better than you found it? Same for dealing with customer service reps, taxi drivers, waitresses and your manicurist.
8. Make better decisions. Don't make any major decision without fully strategizing first. If you decide you want to give up your soul-sucking corporate gig to fulfill your dream of being an interior designer, don't go off the deep end until you completely understand what that means, what you have to do to get there, and the training and money required. Same goes for moving in with someone (seriously, do you really want to divide up the CD collection AGAIN?), buying a car that you haven't researched, getting any body alterations done, adopting a pet, and removing a wall from your house. I'm not saying DON'T make big decisions, I'm just saying if you think them through all the way you'll be way less likely to regret them, and you'll have a better handle on how to make them happen.
9. Take care of your world. Making the earth a cleaner and healthier place to live is a daunting task. For example, you might not think that buying a bottle of water is a big deal. But there's ramifications to everyone thinking that. Even if you think you're mitigating the implications by recycling your bottle when you are done, guess what? Less than half of plastic we use is recycled, but about half the plastic that we do recycle gets sent to China so they can burn it as fuel for power plants. It's not about saving the planet, it's about saving the people who live here.
10. Be in the world, in this minute, in this second. This one is a tough one for me as I'm learning exactly how disorganized I am and that I start many things at once, which makes it harder to finish, if I finish at all. This includes opening and sorting mail, which ends up in a pile on my desk; trying to make phone calls while I'm walking the dogs; and working on the things that are most important to me, such as the 40licious book. When you are in the moment, your food tastes better, your loved ones feel like you're truly listening, and you won't lose the car keys.

Beauty: Chelsea Lowe with the Lowdown on the Most Important Things to Know

"Get the sleep you need, even if it means going to bed crazy early."
 

Author Chelsea Lowe. Don't you instantly want her to be your best friend?

Today's post comes from Chelsea Lowe, a writer who is a beauty and a beauty expert. Through her consulting business, she speaks  to students, corporate employees, women in transition and individuals. She's health and beauty editor at CommitmentNow.com, and the author of two mental-health books and many published essays and features. Look for her iPhone app soon! I had originally asked Chelsea a bunch of questions about beauty but her answers were so good and so full that she's gotten herself a 40licious series. Here's the first entry. 


Q. What are the most important things to know about beauty in your 40s?

A. It’s all about effort! If you want it, you can have it. It takes a little work, but I think it’s worth it. Here’s what to do:

• Watch what you eat. Whatever you put into your body shows up on your face. Good stuff: salmon, cantaloupe or honeydew melon, romaine lettuce, parsley, blueberries, strawberries, egg whites, asparagus, spinach, green apples—and, in moderation, olive oil, almonds, avocados, tuna, pears, egg yolks, lean protein. 
• Drink lots of water and unsweetened green tea. 
• Avoid products made with processed white flour, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. Sounds excruciating, I know! But it’s OK to enjoy a treat a week. Once you see the difference diet makes, you might just “convert—” as I did! I recommend The Perricone Prescription diet as a starting point. I’m also intrigued by Stop Aging, Start Living, by Dr. Jeannette Graf and Alisa Bowman.
• Get the sleep you need, even if it means going to bed crazy early.
• Try to manage stress. 
• Sleep on your back, unless you have a heart condition. If that’s not possible, buy a silk or satin pillowcase and a “stomach sleeper” pillow.
• Exercise. This includes the face. Take care, though. Some experts, including Paula Begoun, discourage facial exercise, because it can, in some cases, deepen existing lines. Sadly, I have seen this firsthand. Find a program that works for you. The face will sag as surely as the rest of the body if not exercised regularly.
• Schedule a lesson with a professional makeup artist. It’s not as costly as you might think and is the only way to learn the best products, colors and techniques for your face. (After that, poke around online for makeup videos to your heart’s content.) Oh, and it’s such a pick-me-up.
• Care for your skin. Moisturize, steam occasionally, exfoliate a little, use a good sunscreen, stay away from hot sun, cigarettes and foods and other substances that cause premature aging.
• Find a great hair stylist … and a great friend if your fashion sense is not all it could be.

Spirit: Author Victoria Moran Tells Us How to Live a Charmed Life and Take Time for Ourselves

"If your life is directed from your spiritual core, things will work immensely better than if your ego is running things and taking potluck."

Author Victoria Moran. Isn't she simply radiant?

Today we talk with one of the loveliest women to walk the planet, Victoria Moran. She's the author of many books, including Fat, Broke and Lonely No More; Fit From Within; The Love-Powered Diet; and Creating a Charmed Life: Sensible, Spiritual Secrets Every Busy Woman Should Know When I was watching a video of her, I had the distinct feeling of wanting to be as lovely as she is. She's the kind of woman you'd trust with your pets, kids, or secrets; who has a solution to any issue large or small; and who knows her own self so fully and authentically that I wanted some of that grace to rub off on me. Here's her advice for 40licious:


1. It's not always easy for 40licious women to balance career, kids, relationships and aging parents -- and still have time for themselves. How does one do all this with grace?
You have to get a clear concept of the 24-hour day. It's all we've ever had and all we will ever have. We've been told for decades that we can "do it all," but we can't, at least not all at once. It's a matter of prioritizing, and a great rule of thumb is "things with feelings first." In other words, yourself and your family first, and everything else lines up after that.


2.What are some steps women can take to get in touch with their spirituality?
Quiet time is most important. Take yoga, learn to meditate, or go to a convent and get yourself a spiritual director if that's more your style. The point is, your spiritual self is with you all the time; you just have to quiet down enough to get in touch with it. You also have give spirituality a value in your life. A lot of people look at is a something extra, nice maybe but not really important like watching Dr. Oz or getting an oil change. It is, however, of primary importance, because if your life is directed from your spiritual core, things will work immensely better than if your ego is running things and taking potluck.

3. What is one thing we should do every day?
"ME in the morning": meditation (see above) and exercise. If you get those in, the rest will take care of itself.

4. Any other advice for women in their 40s to live a charmed life?
The 40s are supposed to be life's very best decade: you've matured out of the flightiness and selfishness of the 20s and 30s, and you're still at a high level of physical vitality. Ways to be sure that you're having the time of your life right now are:

• Stay healthy and radiant. Make fresh juice with greens in it. Eat lots of salads and other fresh, colorful plant foods. 
• Sleep enough: you don't have stay up half the night to keep all your ducks in a row. 
• Exercise. 
• Lighten up: you're smack in the middle of your glorious life. Enjoy it.
• Do it your way, like Frank Sinatra sang about. When something resonates with you, it's yours. If it doesn't, really ask yourself if this has to be in your life.
• Trust yourself and your intuition. You more than you think you do.
• Live in the moment. These really are the good old days.

Fashion: Fashionista's Most Influntial List Includes Women over 40

“There are a lot of people over 40, those are the people leading the industry. They’ve been around longer and they know how it works.” 

Iconic Vogue editor Anna Wintour

Fashionista, a fashion news and resource website, recently revealed its Most Influential People in New York Fashion list. Among them were at least five women over 40.

• Vogue editor Anna Wintour
• J. Crew designer Jenna Lyons
• Vogue stylist Grace Coddington
• Japanese and Italian Vogue editor Lori Goldstein
• Former Barney’s fashion director Julie Gilhart

To determine the winners, said Fashionista’s executive editor Lauren Sherman, “We used our own knowledge of the industry, combined with advice from industry sources. We also considered each candidate’s consumer reach–through sales, media, etcetera .”

Sherman said that we tend to think of fashion as a young industry, and it’s really not. “There are a lot of people over 40, those are the people leading the industry. They’ve been around longer and they know how it works.”

The traits the leaders share are that they are creative, willing to adapt to change, and they’re developing new ideas – all important in an industry that is in a constant state of flux.

J. Crew designer Jenna Lyons

The legendary Vogue editor Anna Wintour is especially influential, for example, “because she makes a lot of deals behind the scenes, referring young consulting designers, serving as a bridge between retailers and designers.”

“Someone like Jenna Lyons is just such an amazing example for all women,” Sherman says, citing Lyons’ balance of family and work life. “ There’s so much talk about that you can have it all – that idea is dated. You should have a full life no matter what that means.”

Designer fashion is a 40licious game, as mass retailers target women in their 20s. Sherman said. “Women under 30 can’t afford most designer stuff. On a designer level there’s a lot of stuff for women in their 40s.”

Sherman says that there are no hard rules for 40licious fashion. “Women should wear what looks good, don’t just follow trends. It’s about researching and finding your own style. “It’s never too late.”

See the Fashionista 50 slideshow.

40licious Beauty: Facial Exercises Keep You Younger Looking Longer

We are incredibly blessed to have a post today from Carole Maggio, a spa owner and beauty expert who has unlocked the secret to looking younger with what she calls Facercise." She is considered the world’s foremost authority on "face exercises and has helped restore the appearances of Hollywood film personalities who have had too many plastic surgeries. And she's gone and made a video especially for 40licious! Give it a try, and maybe delay that Botox a little while longer -- or forever.




As we grow older and reach our 40s, our facial skin begins to loosen and we start to show more significant signs of aging. Most creams and facial applications address the topical health of the skin, but what about underneath the skin? Fortunately, there are alternatives that address the causes of aging, instead of just treating the symptoms. This can even be done without expensive medical procedures or surgery, just a few simple exercises each day to improve the tone and tightness of one’s face.

The program is called Facercise: a series of daily facial exercises designed to strengthen all of the muscles in the face. As regular exercise tones different muscles in the body, face exercises keep the face muscles toned. It is easy to maintain a daily face exercise routine for the areas of the face that you wish to target, and it is recommended to do face exercises when you start to see the first signs of sagging skin or notice areas of the face that you wish to improve. Face exercises can also be used to re-align noses and other parts of the face, to achieve a more symmetrical look.

Some of the results of doing face exercises can be:

• Raised or lifted eyebrows
• Enlarged eye sockets, which result in the eyes appearing more open and vibrant
• Diminished puffiness under the eyes
• A shorter or narrower nose (the nose grows with age, creating an aged appearance)
• Fuller lips, turned up young looking mouth corners
• Toned and defined chin, neck and jaw line
• Better, rosier complexions

Because the muscles are directly targeted, they improve the contours of the face from beneath the skin, plumping the cheeks and bringing blood flow to the muscles. Early signs of aging can help be prevented by eating healthy foods, drinking water, wearing sunscreen on a daily basis, and doing a regular facial exercise program. Positive results of doing face exercises can be seen in only a few days. You can tone, tighten and smooth the chin, neck, and jaw line, lift your brow, or achieve fuller lips at home, without the need for Botox or other expensive procedures. The best part about facial exercises is that you can do them anywhere: in your car, in the bath, in the checkout line, or anywhere!

Maggio has also helped restore the appearances of many Hollywood film personalities who have had too many plastic surgeries, and has written her own book called Facercise, and there's also a DVD. You can also visit her spa in Redondo Beach, or take a class via Skype. Visit her online or call 1-800-597-3555.

40lcious Fun: Ole Skool Crew Keeps on Dancing

You can have your Lakers Girls. We'll take some women, please. As in The Ole Skool Crew, a troupe of women in their 40s and older who perform at the WNBA Sparks and other basketball games. The remind us that the party is far from over.

"Women all around the world, no matter your age, you can get together and anything is possible, if you believe in yourself," the crew's owner and director Traci Hawkins told the Inland Daily Bulletin.

40licous Relationships: Turning Around a Bad Relationship

If you do something long enough, it becomes rote. That might be good if you're mastering the violin, but not so good if you're staying in a stale, joyless, loveless relationship, or feeling spiritually bereft. Today's insight comes from therapist Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT, CIT, CFT. Her practice, Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, specializes in working with couples to help them succeed in their relationship. Her operating principle: People have the ability to change and that they can achieve their fullest potential given the right conditions. They can create the right condition for themselves, and therefore, their relationships.

 

Emma K. Viglucci helps couples re-discover joy.

1. Are there any common themes you are seeing in your practice for women in their 40s?

Women in their 40s are dealing with many issues ranging from experiencing a decline in youthfulness to relationship crisis. I have found two prevalent themes in my practice: The first is women trying to get pregnant for the first time and having difficulties conceiving. In our modern age women are focusing more and more on career success and having financial independence leaving their personal lives on the back burner until their biological clock starts pounding. By the time they are ready to start a family, they are engrossed in career development and success. They are very busy, stressed out, and emotionally and physically depleted. Now is their body, including their reproductive system, not only getting older but it's not in great shape to create another life. Add to this their lifestyle - hectic and out of balance, and their relationship state, usually neglected by now unless it's a fairly new one. There is no room for a baby here - not for nothing they are not getting pregnant.

The work to be done in this situation is to bring everything into more balance: body, routine, lifestyle, and relationship dynamics. A lot of TLC is in order.

The second theme I find very common in my practice at this age is women dealing with their husband's midlife crisis. The husbands are questioning if marriage is for them, if they married the right person, if they want to stay married to them, and they are wondering about commitment, loyalty and faithfulness. This throws a wrench into their couplehood and it is very challenging to navigate as it hits the partners' core in terms of their emotional safety and security. Their future is uncertain and their bond is tenuous. This is very painful and creates a lot of insecurities hitting the partners' self esteem and sense of self worth. Their personal and couple identities are shattered and their life as they know it is turned up side down.

The work to be done in this situation is for each partner to explore the meaning of their situation for themselves, their own wishes and needs, and accept each other's world, perspective, even if they don't like or agree with it. From a place of acceptance and understanding, the partners can renegotiate their relationship and come up with a structure that meets both their needs as best as possible. 

2. What hurdles are couples most successful at overcoming?

Regardless of the themes or issues couples present with when they come to my practice, the common denominator in terms of their complaint is usually feeling disconnected and fighting a lot. These are the hurdles they are the most successful at overcoming as well. The work has a pretty good success rate in addressing this. Couples get very good at communicating, addressing concerns from an empowered state, learning how to get their needs met and creating a more happy and successful relationship. Their continued attention to what created the dissatisfying repeating cycle and dynamic is paramount to their continued individual growth and healing and their general couple wellbeing.

3. What are dealbreakers? When should a woman leave a relationship?

Couples do all kinds of funky behavior in their relationship and create a unique way of relating. It is up to the partners what behavior is acceptable and tolerable to them. Some partners have a much higher tolerance level for inappropriate, disrespectful, boundary crossing, and harmful behavior than others. This is a unique formula for each couple. One behavior that should not be tolerated period is physical harm. When in danger, get the heck out! The rest can be addressed, worked on and hopefully changed over time.

The lack of progress and change over time can also be a deal breaker, and the length of time acceptable to each partner to continue to try is up to their endurance and resilience.

The work should focus on becoming healthily interdependent where both partners' needs are consistently met and they have balance between their individuality and couplehood.

4. What are three things a woman can do to improve her relationship right now?

To have a wonderful life and great relationship a woman needs to own herself. If she operates from her Authentic Self and woks on responsibly taking care of herself life becomes a lot easier. Here are three things she can do to improve her relationship right now:

• Pick an item that's an issue and set clear boundaries around it getting your needs met - speak with I-statements, such as "I feel angry when you are late," rather than "You are always late."
• Own your sexuality and femininity: Wear feminine clothes and dress up when going out; seduce your partner, flirt and tease; initiate physical intimacy 
• Throw your partner a bone - give in to a request that may not be at the top of your list, but that won't kill you to try either 

5. Anything else we should know?

Yes! Women can accept their maturing process gracefully without taking a beating to their self esteem. We can defy aging as we know it by enhancing our beauty from the inside out:

• Keeping a healthy and clean lifestyle assists the body by lowering its toxic burden and enhancing its detoxification process keeping the body from breaking down, or aging too quickly. Resources for this include the Clean: The Revolutionary Program to Restore the Body's Natural Ability to Heal Itself and website by Alejandro Junger; and the book Revive by Frank Lipman.

• Embracing a mindfulness practice allows the mind to become more quite and alert, reduces stress and its impact, integrates the brain for increased resources, and enhances the quality of life by bringing inner peace and joy. From this state the journey of life is effortless. For more, read Mindsight by Daniel Siegel, visit the yoga lifestyle site Wailana.com, or try the guided meditation CD Guided Mindful Meditations.

• Continuing an ongoing effort to grow and heal our emotional self and bringing our Authentic Self to come out and play. Read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, Healing Your Emotional SelfHealing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel.

• Reading a number of other books that will help with discovery of the Authentic Self

• Learning about relationship processes and skills and using them consistently to enhance their relationship. There are lots of resources here.

COMMENT: What are some things you've done to get your through the rocky times?