Monday, January 31, 2011

40licious Body: Agony of Defeat. The Feet. Whatever.

I started waitressing when I was about 17. That, and bartending, got me through college. And then through between reporting gigs, and as a way to pull in a couple quarters living in a small town, combined with my fledgling dating service and PR jobs. I am a great waitress. I can sweep through a packed section and remember who wanted sauce on the side, who needs another whiskey neat, and that the lady at table 12 always takes a lemon in her Diet Coke. I am efficient, friendly, and will upsell you a bananas Foster and espresso and you'll think it was your own dang idea. I have been very, very fortunate to work as a writer steadily enough since the second Clinton term that I haven't had to sling a coffee pot. Except at home for a husband who is very, very sleepy in the mornings.

One of my very favorite families happens to live right next door to us, across the driveway. We've all become quite close after garage sales and running food back and forth all the time, and our mutual adoration of the 9-year-old daughter in the family. Kaumudi, the mom, is also a radical culinary genius and I've volunteered a couple times to waitress for her pop-up Indian dinners. Last night, she put on a wedding feast in a coffee house two blocks away. Two seatings. Too many courses to count. Lots of running around and offering guests seconds and thirds, and trying to make up as plausible explanations as I could for food that I couldn't pronounce. Being as nice to the table with TV stars at it as I was to the ones with my friends. Husband Steve played host and emcee. We stole a kiss or two behind the cappuccino machine. I rocked. Diners were happy and stayed late into the night, talking over their chai.

But as the evening wore on, my feet began to hurt and the padding seemed to disappear between the flesh and bone of my soles. My hips went on lockdown -- I have no problem folding myself in halves or thirds in yoga but suddenly couldn't bend over to wipe up the mango juice I spilled. I got sloppy. I grew cranky. I still had hours ahead of me, as we still needed to clean the place as if we'd never been there and load the restaurant we'd created into the back of a van.

Finally at home -- way later than we ever stay up -- we crawled into bed. I was conditioned by my parents to know that there was not a thing in the world that was off-limits to me if I wanted it badly enough. I've gone through my life keeping my options open, and have always thought that I might fall back on the waitressing if this whole corporate thing doesn't work out.

But last night, as my feet throbbed and bones cried and my eyes slammed shut, I made an annoucement. "I'm retiring from waitressing."

If you are a waitress, I honor you as I know how hard a job that is to do well. If you are a waitress over 40, I bow down to you. May you forever be blessed with good knees, a Roth IRA, a wine opener you love and a sincere smile.

Friday, January 28, 2011

40licious Money: Three Things to Do To Get More Money, Then Save the World

As a writer with a masters’ degree in psychology, Barbara Stanny knows a lot about women and money. And it’s not just because she has written several books. She learned the hard way and was able to teach others. Including me. I had my own head in the sand most of my life about money. I made it, lost it, abused it. I didn't respect money, and I seemed to sabotage myself every time I was poised to make more or keep more.  I knew Stanny and her work in the early '90s because we'd lived in the same small town, and I instantly adored her. But here's something freaky. The very day after I read her "Prince Charming Isn't Coming: How Women Get Smart About Money," I booked my first union commercial, and was able to reset my mind to attract and keep money. Here's what we talked about this week.

Barbara learned the hard way.
The daughter of Richard Block – the “R” in H & R Block – Barbara Stanny was financially secure. She’d married, and let her CPA-lawyer husband take control of the finances. It seemed like a charmed life until her husband left the country, leaving her with a $1 million tax bill and three young children. Naturally, she went to her father to bail her out. He said no. She had to pick herself up and learn about money for the first time in her whole life.

“Setbacks don’t get much bigger than that,” Stanny says. “I’ve interviewed a lot of successful women. It was always the setbacks that led to their forward motion. Every setback comes with gift, every crisis comes with a gift.”

Today, Stanny is a 60-something, happy and successful author who has made it her mission to teach women what she wishes she knew so long ago. Your 40s, she says, is the time to really get cracking on your financial life. The first thing she advises is to wipe out any debt that remains from finding yourself in your 30s, or from the recent economic catastrophe. Even if it means a few years of shaving and cutting expenses.

Their 40s is usually when women get really going on their career, Stanny says. “It’s important that the 40s be a stabilizing time so that you can really find your glory and hit your stride.”

Another important step to take is to really start contributing to your retirement accounts. There’s still plenty of time to let that money grow, untouched by taxes, untouched by you, so that you will have accumulated nice retirement. And if you’re married, it’s really important to partner with your spouse on the financial planning. “Especially if you have children. The best way to help your kids is to model responsible, savvy behavior about money. Make it a family conversation. You should all be talking about money.”

She offered these three steps to getting smart about money, and promises a dramatic improvement in your situation if you follow them for just six months.
1. Every day, read something about money, even if it’s just for a minute. It could be perusing headlines in business section, scanning Money magazine instead of People in the grocery store, or reading one paragraph from a financial book before you go to sleep. “It’s amazing how much you can pick up by osmosis,” Stanny says.

2. Every week, have a conversation about money, preferably with someone who knows more than you. If you’re wondering how to start, just ask, “Can I take you to lunch and pick your brain? It’s amazing how much people want to help you,” Stanny says. “We’ve been doing this for generations about raising babies, making pies … we need to start doing this over kitchen tables and back fences.”

3. Every month, save money. You can set up automatic transfers to a savings account for as little as $5. Stanny recalls a conversation with an editor who wasn’t a high earner, but who saved her change in a bowl every night. In two years, she was able to open an investment account.
But the real reason to make money is not to have money. It’s about the power that comes with financial independence. “We’ve reached a level of wisdom and maturity, when we are ready to make a difference in the world. When enough powerful women come together, if we have the resources, values, to heal this planet, save the world. Taking charge of our money forces us to own our power in a way nothing else does.”




Thursday, January 27, 2011

40licious Relationships: Surviving Divorce After 40

On the emotional trauma scale, divorce is up there around death of a loved one, or having your best bra eaten by a Chihuahua. Erica Manfred, author of “He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40,” says that getting a divorce in your 40s or later has a uniquely different impact than on someone younger, who might be able to start over more easily.

A lot of women in their 40s have passed the window where they want to have more – or any – children. Those who stayed home during their marriages may have a lot of catch-up to do for their careers. “You lose your dream of having a family and marching into the sunset with the father of your children,” she says.

In her book, Manfred offers practical advice a in a girlfriend-to-girlfriend tone that helps sort out the mental chaos that accompanies a divorce. There are three basic steps women can take to help them move forward, she says, especially when the divorce isn't a friendly or gracious one.

1. Grieve. People may push you to start dating, and to move on. Sometimes it takes a long time, and you’ll know when you’re ready. “Let yourself heal in your own time,” she says.

2. Get moving. “Yoga, dance, bicycling, anything that gets your endorphins going,” she says. Exercise will keep you from falling apart physically, and mentally, she says, “it’s better than alcohol. “

3. Go to therapy. While surrounding yourself with good friends is essential, you’ll still need a professional on your side. You’ll have a lot of rage and sadness, and if you vent to your kids and enlist them in your own personal army against your ex – the term for it is “parental alienation” – you’ll wind up hurting everyone and may wind up back in court. “If you’re a mature , thinking person you’ll put your kids first,” Manfred says.

Finally, when you’re ready to move on, go for it and get back into the dating world. “When you’re in your 40s, you’re still young,” she says.

How did you get through your divorce?

READ A CHAPTER of He’s History, You’re Not

ORDER THE BOOK from Amazon

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

40licious Health: Mammograms Every Year

Take care of your breasts and they'll take care of you.
There's been quite a bit of back and forth about how often women in their 40s should get mammograms. Years ago, by the time cancer was discovered it was likely far gone and a radical procedure. Later, it became optimal to have a mammogram every year. And then last year, it was moved to every two years so as not to -- the official reason -- stress out women over false positives and excess radiation. Could there be the teeniest, tiniest chance that insurance companies had something to do with this as well?

Now, a Reuters story reports that the "every two years" study was faulty. "In the new analysis, the team found that annual mammograms starting at age 40 save 65,000 more women from breast cancer than mammograms done every other year in women 50 and older."

So, yes, get thee a mammography. If you don't have insurance, you can find a list of free or low-cost ones at the American Cancer Society and click on the "In Your Area" tab on the top right.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

40licious Health: New Insurance Rules Help Women in Their 40s

Los Angeles Times photo
Complain all you want about "Obamacare." Jeez, I'm sorry that his opponents coined that term, it's so snarky. What part of a healthier country don't you like? Why wouldn't you want to help someone via preventative care now, rather than more expensive care for a traumatic disease later? If you can come to the table with better options that don't cost any money, more power to you. Come and do it. How about you take some out of the military budget for some wars in which we have no business? How about we stop justifying this in terms of money, and start to think about our collective karma?

Anyway, I'll just leave it at that before I get way off on a tangent that I didn't mean to begin. But here's some news from the LA Times about how new health care rules can actually work to the advantage of women in their 40s. For example, free cholesterol checks for women over 45, and mammograms every one or two years for women in their 40s. And hopefully, as women get to the doctor for free services, they'll catch other issues along the way.

Here's the story.

Oh, and if you're going to complain about government health care, better wipe out Medicare too. And watch the riots begin.

Monday, January 24, 2011

40licious Style: Faux Fur

Today's contribution comes from the smart folks over at The Thread via Yahoo!'s Shine site. They say that women in their 40s should go for an elegant, classic fur look. I'm thinking about those Blackgama ads on bus shelters that used to captivate me as a child in New York. It's all the fun without the cruelty.

Sophia Loren, 1982 

If you want to see more Blackgama glam through the ages, check out Fashion's Most Wanted.

Friday, January 21, 2011

40licious Style: Doing Hair and Choosing Glasses in Your 40s

Style Strategist Audrey Beaulac has told us at 40licious that we need to get rid of the fat clothes and self-recrimination in our closets. That we need to start dressing the part of the wise women we are in order to be taken seriously. Today is the third post in our 40licious Style series with Beaulac in which we discuss finishing off your own signature look.

If you’re in your 40s and spending an inordinate amount of time and money on your tresses, style strategist Audrey Beaulac wants to know one thing: “Why are you fighting your natural hair?”

Chances are, you have a family or career or social life – or combination of any of those – that take a lot of time. Why would you waste precious minutes on your hair?

“Skin and hair change in your 40s,” she says. “In your 40s you likely don’t have to wash your hair as often.” So that’s good news – there are lots of ways to repurpose yesterday’s hairstyle.

The first stop is getting a really good cut, Beaulac says. “ I know people who spend thousands on their clothes but get a cheap haircut.” If you have a bad cut, it will never behave. It will grow out and you’ll just end up putting it into a ponytail all the time. Your hair will become your enemy. Nobody wants that.

"The Rachel." What were we all thinking?
There are two people in a hair relationship: you and your stylist. At least one of you has to be a progressive and positive force. So if you’re insisting on the same cut you’ve had since you were 25, kiss The Rachel goodbye and let your stylist bring you into 2011. If your stylist can’t make the transition, you may have to bid adieu.

When you’re at the first appointment with a new hairdresser, Beaulac says, that is not the time or place to ask for radical transition. Pictures aren’t helpful if he or she doesn’t have a sense of how you live and who you are, if you’ll commit to color, and if you’ll be able to use product correctly.

You’ll also want your stylist to help you with a reality check. Beaulac recalls a client who always kept her badly home-colored hair in a bun. Her rationale: “I play tennis and want to pull it back.” She was gently coaxed into getting a sleek bob. She also let it go gray naturally, and got her natural lustrous shine back.

Being a 40licious person, you also may need to start thinking about glasses. Ordering the rare squid parfait on a menu because you can’t read it won’t make you look any younger. Even Beaulac herself once waited 12 extra hours in the airport because she was too vain to put her readers on, and mistook 8 p.m. for 8 a.m. on her ticket.

Audrey Beaulac rocking big frames. Own it, woman!
“You’re 40, you’re not fooling anyone, the gig is up! If you need them to see, you need them to see,” she says.

She offers this advice on choosing and wearing frames:
  • Take a picture of yourself in them to see how you really look.
  • Almost as important as your frames is how your eyebrows look. “The painting changes the minute you frame it,” she says.
  • Keep your lashes dark and draw a light line at the lash base, which will help open your eyes up behind the lenses.

Your smile is probably the first thing others notice about you, but don’t be too quick to jump into new whitening technologies, Beaulac says. “People go crazy on teeth whitening. Don’t damage them to get them as white as possible unless you’re a movie star. Some people have naturally ivory teeth.”

Finally, she reminds us that beauty is an inside job. “If you have a habit that’s causing you to want plastic surgery – say, smoking, frowning, eating too much – you’ll still end up with the same problem,” she says, “If you have stress in your life, that will show up in your face.”

So get thee to yoga, put down the BlackBerry, dust off that novel you’ve wanted to read and pour yourself a good cup of tea. After all, you’ve earned it.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

40licious Sex: Men's Health Survey Says We Go Further Faster

"Women in their 40s love sex. In our survey, this was the age group most open to considering sex on a first date (58 percent). These women were also the most likely to have had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter (86 percent)."-- Men's Health

So there's this recent Men's Health Magazine that's been all over the news the past few days, talking about how women in their 40s are more likely to have sex on the first date. Yes, we know what we want and we don't give a crap about what someone might think. But also, it's because we probably see a loser 10 miles away and won't go out with him. We have a higher likelihood of saying yes to going on a date with someone we won't mind waking up with -- or sneaking out when we're done.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

40licious Style: Shopping and Organizing Your Closet

This is our second post from an interview with Audrey Beaulac, who tells us things we probably already knew, but couldn't put into words.

Audrey Beaulac is very 40licious
Style strategist Audrey Beaulac wants you to throw out anything you don’t love, doesn’t make you feel good, or is no longer working for you. Especially your fat clothes.

“Like a big handbag, big sweatpants will fill up. When your normal clothes start feeling tight, that’s the warning for you to cut back,” she says.

But perhaps none of your clothes fit that well anymore. “You have to be realistic about who you are,” she says, and your 40s is a really important time to define your style. “A lot of clothes in your closet come with a story. You should only have good stories in your closet. Get rid of the self-recrimination in your closet.”

Assessing takes a while. Leave some space to thoroughly go over what you can let go from your closet, and to understand what is still working well. “It’s OK to like what you like,” Beaulac says.

What if you’re still not sure if something is a tosser? “Get your picture taken in it,” Beaulac says, “then get ready to work. Instead of condemning yourself, get ready for some feedback. When you do it on film. You don’t have the same projection cycle as you do in the mirror.”

The trick to keep in mind is to play up your assets and make sure the clothes you keep are highlighting the good stuff you’ve got. If you focus on something you don’t like about your body, say a poochy belly or wide hips, chances are you’ll subconsciously draw attention to them in your clothing. And no matter who you are and how you look, a little advice from Mom goes a long way: keep your posture long and straight, and keep your voice strong but soft.

Jared! Throw out your fat pants!
For building your improved wardrobe, Beaulac suggests starting with the basics: your underwear. As your body changes, chances are your bra size will too, and you most likely are due for a bra fitting. “Be realistic,” she says. She suggests Nordstrom or Linda the Bra Lady. “Look for silhouettes that make you feel good about yourself.

The rear view is equally important – there should be no pantylines. “Spanx are great, but remember, anywhere you squish in, it’s going to come out somewhere else,” Beaulac says.

When you’re ready to move forward with your wardrobe, don’t pay attention to size – fit is what matters. If you’re ordering online, measure yourself and match that to the site’s size chart. And don’t get too attached to the product until it arrives and it works. “Internet ordering is getting better and better about returns,” she says, calling out, Zappos and as good examples of pleasant and efficient shopping experiences.

She offers this caveat, however: “If you’re looking around and there are boxes all over the place and the clothes are not making you feel very good about yourself, you need to reassess.”

Feeling forlorn about how to conquer all this? Arrange a clothing swap, aka “Naked Lady Party” with your girlfriends. It’s the perfect excuse to take a harsh edit of your closet, takes some risks with new looks, and get honest advice from people who care. Best of all, it doesn’t cost a dime and you can donate all the leftovers to charity.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

40licious Work: Why Aren't We at the Table?

Great takeaways from Facebook Chief Operating Officer's Sheryl Sandberg's TED talk on why women hold only a fraction of leadership positions men do. Sit down with a crisp chenin blanc, an earthy cabernet, steaming mug of cocoa or your morning tea and listen to this 15 minutes of truly inspired insight:

1. Sit at the table.
  • 7 percent of women negotiate salary for their first job. 57 percent of men do.
  • Women regularly underestimate their abilities, while men tend to overestimate.
  • Success and likability are proportionate for men, but disproportionate for women.

2. Make your partner a real partner.
Dude should be participating in child rearing and homemaking as much as you are.

3. Don't leave before you leave.
Women regularly tend to take themselves out of the running by sitting back at work in preparation for having children. Be in the game, until it's time to get out. As we know, child-having can take a very long time.

She is 40licious. I love her.

Monday, January 17, 2011

40licious Body: Infertility Articles Omit Adoption Information

I'm glad we're all paying attention to the plight of women in their 40s who grew up believing they can have it all, then suddenly realized it might be more difficult than they thought.

This article in The Faster Times, for example, does a great job how the pill blessed and damned a generation of women. And this one, in the LA Times, about women delaying pregnancy until the economy improves. What disappoints me is that these and so many other stories like this neglect to address the other ways to build a family. Adoption, fostering, surrogate parenting are common, just not talked about in the same breath as infertility.

Here's to giving women hope that they really can have it all -- it just might not look like they thought it would.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

40licious Style: Dressing the Part

From Tahari

There is a lot to love about style strategist Audrey Beaulac. First, there’s her career trajectory – she’s been on staff at Yale School of Drama costuming department, and has directed the look of a $700 million Hyatt resort in Hawaii, from desk to top-ranking staff. She’s been trusted by politicians, executives and other VIPs to help define their look and “visual signature.” But the main reasons I love Audrey, whom I met nearly a decade ago in Seattle, is because she is so smart and funny and warm. She’s the kind of person who tells you straight up how it is, in the nicest way possible. The knowledge she imparted to me back in the day of an eclectic closet and uncertain personal style have served me well to this day.

Today, she divides her time between Washington, DC and Seattle and is the go-to style reference for authors such as Charla Krupp, Danielle LaPorte and Laura Leist.

I interviewed her about what people – especially women – need to consider as they navigate their 40s. We got so much that we ended up with what will be a series of postings on 40licious Style.

Today: Dressing the Part: How Women in Their 40s Claim Authority

Women in their 40s are a powerful force, style strategist Audrey Beaulac says. We are credited with 25 percent of all the billions of dollars spent on fashion each year, she says, adding that, “We’re a little bit smarter, older, more thoughtful in our choices. We’re producers. We can produce a lot.”

That’s why it’s important for women to present themselves with the authority they’ve earned – while not aging themselves.

Melanie Griffith is current -- for 1988
Consider the 40-something woman in your office who is competent and smart – and disastrously frumpy, with the 1980’s shoulder pads, matching matronly skirt, and flats that have seen a tad too many shuffles to the conference room.  Come on, you know this woman. You might even be this woman.

Dowdy dressing, says Beaulac, “is a hangover from how we came up in the business world. Being dumpy isn’t taken more seriously than being in a skirt that’s too short.”

She advises women to ditch the pants that are too high-waisted, collars that are too tight or too high, pleated denim skirts and the A-lines, and focus, instead, on staying current. “Being current doesn’t mean being trendy. It’s going forward.”

“Part of that frumpy business look also comes from not being well groomed,” Beaulac says. No-no’s include:

  • A haircut that is no longer working
  • Bad hair color: color too flat, wrong hue, or not keeping up with highlights
  • Makeup that’s been the same for two years or more
  • Neglected manicure
She says that if women in their 40s are still doing the “grab and go” lifestyle – throwing on whatever clothes don’t smell bad and leaving home with wet hair, they’ll be fighting an uphill battle. “In order to be taken seriously, you have to be put together… How you dress is the introduction to the story of who you are.”

            Beaulac recommends dressing in columns, in neutrals, and with no high-contrast transitions. “When you’re presenting in a power position, don’t cut your body in two. Pay attention to your face; it’s your communication center. That might mean lighter on top, and wearing necklaces. Bring your focus up.”

So the beige twinset with the black pants and beige shoes may seem completely inoffensive, but the result is choppy, and drawing attention wherever the sweater ends. Better: Pair the black pants with a darker top or jacket and dark shoes, to elongate the look. “The more vertical your appearance, the slimmer you’ll feel.”

The other thing to keep in mind for daring fashionistas who like to radically change their looks: “If you are not creating a consistent impression, people can’t get a handle on you. They won’t trust you.”

Beaulac suggests we take a tip from those in the public eye: “The biggest secret of the A-list people is the strategic use of style to tell the world that they know who they are.  They wear the clothes; the clothes don’t wear them. Those who either rely too much on outsiders or choose blindly end up with bad haircuts, lots of unused make-up and clothes that don’t work even though they should.  Instinct is the wisdom; reasoned analysis implements the wisdom consistently.” 


Friday, January 14, 2011


I am all in love these days with the mother-daughter team of Barbara and Shannon Kelly, who have a blog and forthcoming book called "Undecided." It's about "analysis paralysis, grass is greener syndrome, longing for the road not traveled: How the success of the women’s movement has left us stumped in the face of limitless options — and how to get over it."

When I met Shannon at a writer party, I felt like she'd put into words all the things I'd been feeling but couldn't quite grasp in language. If I could have it all -- marriage, children, career -- why wasn't I doing any of it very well? It has taken me this long, well into my 40licious, to get around to the marriage part, and hopefully soon, the child. I will spare you the long psychological navel gazing at this point. Let me just say that they are right on and always tackle something of interest to women of a certain generation.

Anyway. Go over there and read yourself some Kelly women.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Adoption Support Group

Our profile

Each month, Steve and I try to make it to the adoption support group our agency runs for adoptive parents, children, birth moms, and people like us, people who are waiting.

We took the long drive down to Orange County last night to connect with those I am beginning to consider "our people." It was an unusually joyous time, so many stories about successful matches. A newborn boy had found a home. Or friends Uma and James introduced us to their exquisite Kailash, 3 months old. One family was matched even before they were done with their homestudy -- a fortunate match perhaps aided by the fact that the couple was from the same country as the birthparents.

As the director reported all the successes, a tiny part of me (ok, bigger than tiny) wondered when it will be our turn. And what else can we be doing. Is the font OK on our profile that goes to birthmoms? Do we need better pictures? What subtle differences keep us in, or out, of the running? Think about watching other people get picked for the kickball team, but thousands of times more important.

But before I wallow in a crisis of confidence, before I go into the mindspin of "it will never happen," I remind myself of something I just know: when it is right, our child will come. As it had for so many before us.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Some New Year's Thoughts for You

My grandmother Grace McGrady painted this, looking out her second-story window onto Central Park West at 85th Street.
The flight from last year wasn't nearly as desperate, it seems, as years before. Around here, 2010 was full of goodness and beauty. I married the best man I have ever met, and gained a beautiful new family as a happy byproduct. A Chihuahua puppy we named Cinco found us and made us his pack. Lucy the beagly mutt got older and deafer and a little more daft, but she gained a new kind of sweetness and prompts extra compassion from us. We met neighbors who quickly became like extended family, with the bonus that there is a lot of good food cooking over there all the time. I kept an excellent job and played nicely with others. There were no tragic losses of the immediate and personal ilk. I watched life unfold -- very much wanted babies for two 40licious women I love, two Christmastime engagements (in one of them, I'm getting a daughter-in-law!), Natalie's wedding, Lisa and Kathlyn and Joanna back at school to make the world a better place for all of us. I reconnected with Liza, the daughter of my mother's best friend in the 1970s, my friend as a child. As we compared our common childhood horrors and the sometimes baffling family dynamics of girls growing up at a very particular time in New York City, I felt a puzzle piece snap into place. I will never, ever let her go.

Here is what I hope for you (and truth be told, me) in 2011:

1. You are temporarily disabled by something so hilarious that you cannot do anything but laugh and laugh and try to catch your breath.
2.  You get enough physical exercise on a daily basis. People who don't move get old, really quickly. For old people who move, extra blessings to you. Also, exercise makes people nicer.
3. That you spend several nights or more on the couch with people and possibly pets you love, watching films that move you or entertain you to a profound degree.
4. That you make something beautiful, even if is only for yourself.
5. That some kind of little miracle happens for you, just when you need it the most.

Happy New Year.



PS -- Some great resolutions, in case you're looking for some ideas to make yourself a better version of who you are, are over at Undecided. I absolutely love those women.