I'm glad we're all paying attention to the plight of women in their 40s who grew up believing they can have it all, then suddenly realized it might be more difficult than they thought.
This article in The Faster Times, for example, does a great job how the pill blessed and damned a generation of women. And this one, in the LA Times, about women delaying pregnancy until the economy improves. What disappoints me is that these and so many other stories like this neglect to address the other ways to build a family. Adoption, fostering, surrogate parenting are common, just not talked about in the same breath as infertility.
Here's to giving women hope that they really can have it all -- it just might not look like they thought it would.
8 comments:
children should not be adopted to fill the needs of infertile adults. Feeling second best your whole life is a horrible thing to put someone through
Dear Jay,
I absolutely agree with you. However, people who dearly want children need to understand that infertility isn't the end of it, though.
In fact, the adoption process is so rigorous that if anyone has doubts or unclear motives they likely won't make it through.
Thank you for reading and for your comment!
Best,
Vanessa
tell that to all the adoptees I know who had abusive adoptive parents.
And all the adoptees I know who love their adoptive parents but who still know they were not their parents first choice.
I think your POV is very valid, and sadly, I'm sure there are a lot of folks who agree with you. I also know a lot of folks who don't. And, obviously, people really need to examine their motives and how they communicate with their children, adopted and biological.
If it makes you feel any better, we are working closely with Kinship Center (www.kinshipcenter.org), which is all about maintaining relationships with the birth family and bringing everyone into the circle.
In case anyone wants to check it out, Jay's blog is called "Bad Adoptee."(www.nofoghere.blogspot.com)
Thanks for chiming in.
I looked at that link and I really love that you have a family support program and support for extended family members to look after children, I think things like that are incredibly important and there should be more of them. I would say that having a stranger adoption program as well though really conflicts with those programs.
I think saying adopted children are "second best" is very ungenerous. I have a friend whose parents were killed. Another whose mother was so mentally unsound she could not raise an infant. There are parents so young that raising a baby isn't really an option.
I myself am infertile, and although I'm not a parent, I'm amazed at how many people want their own DNA passed on come hell or high water and nothing else - when there are waiting children who could really use a family. I think adoption is a wonderful thing - though, as Vanessa knows, the waiting game can be tough for those wanting to adopt.
One of the IVF bloggers had a recent response on TodayMoms about how infertile couples are often chided to adopt. Its an interesting conundrum. Many women truly wish to have babies of their own DNA -- and others are perfectly happy to raise children who are not related by birth but are loved absolutely the same.
As an adoptee and a former TTC'er, I have mixed feelings. In my first marriage (6 years) we tried for about three years to conceive. I did a few cycles on Clomid, but by then the marriage was broken and I moved on. I was very very fortunate to conceive my kids despite a retroverted uterus.
Sadly, the second marriage did not last either (I tend to make poor choices in men, go figure). If it had been a better relationship and conception had been an issue, I'd have been just as happy to adopt. My adoption was a powerfully positive experience for me, although I know many who have had different and less happy adoptions. Since finding my birthfamily in my early 30's, I'm now "intelligently grateful."
I often wonder what is that particular quirk of nature or personality that causes one couple to be perfectly happy with the adoption option and another couple to be adamantly determined to succeed via IVF, surrogacy or other means.
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