Thursday, October 1, 2009

Red-faced and smacked down

Jennifer Garner plays hopeful adoptive mom, Vanessa. I know.
I've done my freaking out over all the similarities in the this movie.

My brilliant idea, like many brilliant ideas throughout time and history, has completely backfired. It has singed my eyelashes and turned my skin a deep dark red. It has made my stomach warp in embarrassment, and my shoulders turn in for shame.

Said idea I had last night was to go find the pregnant people who may be looking for adoptive parents. Kind of like fishing in a stocked pond. So I found the pregnant teenagers section and read a note from a girl who was considering placing her baby for adoption, and feeling pressure from others one way or another. I wrote and told her that she had a lot of rights and resources as a mother giving birth, and to never ever let anyone pressure her into a decision. That she could even wait until after the child was born to decide. And that there were people like me who would very much like to raise a child.

This did not go over very well in the pregnant teenager section of Babycenter.com.

People accused me of preying on young vulnerable women. They blocked me from further comment. One person sent me a comment on last night's post that read, in part: "How dare you approach vulnerable teenagers and suggest the only option available to them is adoption? In case you haven't notice the Pregnant Teenagers group on Baby Center is for SUPPORT. Support in HAVING our children. Not in giving them up."

So now I know.

And the search continues -- after I read guidelines more closely.

Crap. This is harder than I thought.


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6 comments:

All Adither said...

That sounds a little harsh on their part. You were hardly preying.

Anonymous said...

I wont say I understand where you are comming from as I've never been where you are. But yes, the train of thought that lead you to the pregnant teenagers board of baby center surely wasn't the brightest you've had. You aren't the first and you wont be the last. But, as a former teenager who had a baby at 16, I can see how your post would be a slap in the face. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm and my heart breaks for you on this journey you've decided to take. Yes what you did was against the guidelines and it always ends the same. Never in the 4 years I've been a part of that board, has some one been matched with a family. I wish you the best of luck in your plight but I encourage you to see where the girls were coming from. A few there have considered adoption but have in the end kept their children and posting basically want adds does kind of seem as though people don't have faith in them and that the best thing they could do is give the child up. Again, I am sorry if you felt attacked, and I am sorry for the emotionally draining journey you are on. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get matched with a bmom soon. Don't take it personally, posts like that always end the same. Always.

Anonymous said...

good luck, but your style is a little predatory.

Signed, an adoptee.

Anonymous said...

Ness, your motives are pure and you did nothing wrong! It sounds like you tripped over an anti-choice site, but your heart is in the right place. Don't sweat it. I've reached out to a friend and alumna who is a marketer specializing in social media: Lois Kelly. She's asking around to find good sites for you. She is on Facebook and blogs at http://blog.foghound.com/.
XOXOXO MYLAR

Anonymous said...

It's not an anti-choice site. It's a support site, if she would have read the rules before jumping in and posting "want ads" for a baby like it's freakin' craigslist, nothing would ever have been said.

Having a child doesn't allow you to be frugal, which have you stated you it's too expensive. Why don't you go through the foster care system to adopt? There are hundreds of children in each country waiting for someone to love them, instead you scope out in the internet looking for someone to hand over their baby.
Nice.

Dawn said...

I know that Juno resonated with a lot of adoptive moms (not me -- she didn't really speak to me at all) but if the movie did a good job of portraying the feelings of a lot of adoptive moms, it did a lousy one of portraying the experience of most birth moms. (That said, our daughter's birth mom liked Juno but when I said, "OK, fast forward to Juno in a few months..." and she agreed it was unfinished.)

I know how hard it is to wait -- I really do. And being stuck in that wait can blind us to the reality of other people's experiences. I think while waiting is a good time to open ourselves up to those experiences. There are so many people writing their stories now, so many birth parents and adoptees. Reading what they have to say -- even when painful -- can enrich the wait. I say this 'cuz I know it to be true from our own wait.