How Long Until Election Day?

Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

I'd like to set some new ground rules for our erstwhile candidates and their supporters, because I'm very, very close to switching out completely and listening to JACK-FM in the car, and spending my online time at www.engrish.com.

So. If you are running for president or vice president, I respectfully submit the 40licious rules for campaigning, from this point forward.

1. Enough with the POW stuff. Yes, I know that was a terrible experience. I myself even visited POW camps in Asia to gain a better understanding of something incomprehensible. But can we please move forward? In fact, I'm not sure of the mental stability of someone who was in a POW camp. Do we really want someone with PTSD next to the Red Phone? Also, just because you have been locked in a cage, poked with sharp sticks, and forced to eat thin gruel for many years does not qualify you for president. I had to attend Chimacum Jr. High School where I was regularly taunted for the wrong hair/clothes/family/car/upbringing/friends, forced by seniors to put my foot in a bucket of liquefied cow shit, and made to eat "pizza" by student workers who eventually ended up in the county clink. With suffering=competence logic, that should qualify me for Queen of the World. But it doesn't have anything to do with anything, except I'm sorry that you suffered such pain, McCain. So don't come around.

2. Nobody from any party can say anything else ever about taxes. It's all bunkie. Nobody believes you anyway. You will backtrack. Do we not learn from history? Can we all agree that in order to be a civilized, healthy and educated society, with roads to drive around on and firefighters to come over when we've accidentally burned down the kitchen, we will have to pay taxes? Here's what I'd like to see: a pie chart! Of how each candidate would have your hard-earned tax dollars spent! And then you can decide on which person is more in line with your values by how he divides the pie.

3. Please leave pregnant teens out of it. And how pretty Palin is. And that she should stay home with her kids. That's so trite. So maybe it's true that Palin's son with Down's Syndrome is really her grandchild. Maybe it's not. Don't all families have that kind of stuffing in the closet? Didn't anyone read the Feminine Mystique? Doesn't ANYONE realize how babies are made?

4. If I hear the term "hockey mom," "boy's club/Washington insider" or "special interest" one more time I may sick up.

5. Is it completely unfair to hunt moose from an airplane? Of course it is. Is it completely unfair to eat dead cow killed by a shot to the head whilst it waits in line at the slaughterhouse? Of course it is. But I had Ikea meatballs in my fried rice for dinner, and so I'm not sure if I can complain about the hunting thing. I just had to impulse-buy a BLÖRGG and that was it.

6. Why isn't anyone talking about the environment? Do they not see the brown smear that is urban sky during all their jetsetting? Is anyone carbon-offsetting their travels? Extra points for anyone who comes up with a semi-realistic plan.

7. Enough with who does and who doesn't support the troops. Everyone supports the troops. Some people just want them to come home and stop getting killed.

8. If your last name is McCain or Biden, can you please, just until after the elections, stop being so creepy? You're really ooking me out. Even the sound of your voice makes my skin crawl. Suggestion: Stunt double! I think Nick Nolte and Gary Busey are looking for work.