Relatonships: Sex Is Different for Women in Their 40s

Pat Love

This is the second post featuring Pat Love, an aptly-named expert on relationships and author of many books including “Hot Monogamy” with Jo, and “The Truth About Love.” In a recent interview, we talked about how sex changes for many women in their 40s.


PAT LOVE: Two-thirds of women don't feel like having sex until orgasm is imminent. Right before orgasm, you think, "Oh this is so much fun, I'm going to do it again, why did I wait so long?" you know, you do that little mantra to yourself. And once you have an orgasm, you have lots of memories.

In fact, I was asked at the Lake Austin Spa, which is a wonderful world-class spa where I was speaking, and I was talking on the subject of sex over 40, and I got to thinking about it, and I thought, sex before 40, is not as relevant, as distinct as sex after 40. Because being with the same person has a lot more parameters and consequences than sex after 40, because whether you're 40 or 50 or 70 or 20, you've been dealt this hand of hormones, and I was so it's not like, "I was so sexy in my 20's or 30's and it's going to go downhill." It's not like that at all. You've been dealt a hand of hormones. And whether you're more estrogen-dominant or testosterone dominant, it’s going to determine your walking-around physical urge to engage in sex. I talked to six women. One high-testosterone woman was saying, "When my husband and I get really bitchy at each other, I realize, hey, we need to go to bed." And the other says, "Well how can have sex with him when you're mad at him?" and she says, "Well, honey, that's what makes it better!" That's a high testosterone woman; you can just see it too. They look different.

But you know most women they try to understand their sexuality in their 40's, you have new relationships ... because there are two types of people in the world. There are the autogenic and the psychogenic pathways to arousal. The autogenic is that person that walks around with a sex-ready body. It's the more testosterone dominant hormone hand. These are the nice guys, the sensitive guys, the very emotional guys, the guys who like to talk about feelings, I'm not talking about gay, I'm talking heterosexual: they're more estrogen dominant, and they have the psychogenic arousal pattern. They do need the contact. They want to talk, they want to be close, they have to have affection, and they have to have their stress lowered.

In your 40's, you start to get more curious, a lot of tasks are already done, you have time for yourself, and you're still young, and you might feel frisky and you want that romance, or you want sexual passion, and you start to be investigative. And you're still menstruating, so maybe you have these little bumps in elevation around sex drive and you want that to be there all the time, and you're wondering where the female Viagra is.

And so I think there’s a lot of sexual curiosity, and a lot of sexual unrest and sexual dissatisfaction in your 40's. One because you have time to think about it, and two you've been with someone you've probably had 10 years of complaints by now, and that is a complaint by women in their 40's. And most women when they get to gather, they talk about, "Ain't it awful, why does he want sex?" if you're in a heterosexual relationship, "Why does he want sex more than I do and it's all he thinks about?" But then you have that girlfriend or two who says "Well, I'm the one who wants sex more, and I get my feelings hurt and I don't feel attractive, because my partner doesn't desire sex like I do." Opposites attract, not just with sex drive, it's personality characteristics. They go with the sex drive, with the hormones.

VANESSA: A tantra class probably has a lot more 40-year-old people in it than 20-year-old people.

PAT: Yes it does. I think part of it is that you're more confident and you're proactive, and you still feel young in your body, and you're not ashamed of your body, gravity hasn't taken over, and, age spots, and all those ugly things that you just get later. I think it's a fantastic decade for women, and I think we could argue it's one of the best decades, because 40 is still young. ... What I would hope that women in their late 30's would start buying this, so they can really see what the roadmap would be.

Relationships: Write out Mr. Wrong & Create Your Own Happy Ending

Amy Beth O’Brien’s friends think she watches a few too many movies, but she just may be on to something. O’Brien, author of "Stuck with Mr. Wrong? Ten Steps to Starring in your own Life Story," suggests that women look at their relationships through a different lens.

“Are you playing the role of the victim, or are you the inspirational character?” asks O’Brien. “If your life were playing out on the big screen, would you want to stand up and cheer, or leave the theater in frustration?”

“Everyone loves the movies,” said O’Brien. “We get to lose ourselves in a story and live vicariously through the main character. I encourage women to be the main character in their own life story by stepping into their starring role as leading lady and stop playing extra or best supporting actress to someone else.”

Her steps include:

• Embrace Your Inner Screenwriter – Do you view change as though you were living in a horror movie? Every woman has some version of the story they want to live. You can write your script based on fears of what would happen if you made any changes or out of faith that taking control of your life, and being your most authentic self, is the best story you could ever write.
• Listen to Your Director – Like Dorothy, do you feel like you are stuck in Oz, wondering how to get back home? When the story seems to take a wrong turn, your director, like the Good Witch of the North, guides you to make the best choices that put you back on track. Listening to your director means understanding that your intuition is your best friend and guide.
• Pick your Princess but Pick her Well – Wish life were like a fairy tale? You may know that Cinderella was just a story, but who hasn’t at one time or another wished for a fairy godmother? A true princess rescues herself.

“Your dreams, values, passions, and creativity are meant to be expressed,” O’Brien added. “Relationships may challenge us, but they should never turn us into people we are not, suppress our talents, or squelch our dreams and desires. I encourage women to stop acting — to stop conforming to another person’s tastes, keeping silent when they have something to say, compromising their spirit, or staying in a bad situation out of fear. Move forward with faith toward the life of your dreams.”

Stuck with Mr. Wrong contains 100 tips for becoming a star in your own life and a free journal.

Spirit: Donate Your Bra to Support Domestic Violence Victims

Soma Intimates, a national chain of lingerie stores, is holding a charity initiative to collect new and gently used bras for women in need. "Giving Is Beautiful" takes donations of bras at Soma Intimates boutiques, or via a mail-in option is provided with details at www.soma.com/givebras through Aug. 14.


According to Soma executives, bras are one of the least donated but most needed items by women who are homeless or victims of domestic violence. " It’s such a small and easy thing to donate, but it truly makes a big difference to women who are experiencing financial or emotional hardship," a company release read.

The donated bras will go to local women’s shelters and other charitable organizations. Soma also uses this initiative to help women who have lost personal items in the wake of destruction from natural disasters. Any non-wearable donations are sent to The Bra Recyclers, a textile recycling organization that ensures no bra ends up in a landfill.


First launched in July 2010, this marks the third bra donation initiative for Soma Intimates. To-date the retailer has collected more than 68,000 bras to help women in need across the country. The goal is to collect 150,000 bras by next year.

You can also enter the “Bra Guessing Contest” to guess how many bras will be collected this season to win a $500 gift card!

Learn more.

Relationships: How to Meet and Marry the Man of Your Dreams - When You're All Grown Up

Today's post comes from Ann Blumenthal Jacobs, Patricia Ryan Lampl, and Tish Rabe, authors of "Love for Grown Ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life."

It’s a wonderful feeling to discover in your 40’s that falling in love can be just as exciting, passionate, fun and sexy as falling in love in your 20’s.

In our new book, "Love for Grown-ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life," we give our readers lots of practical field-tested advice on how to meet Mr. Right, marry and find life-long happiness.

We call ourselves the Garter Brides. Why? Because two of the authors of our book wore the same garter at their weddings and went on to share it with mature brides across the country and all of the Garter Brides got married after their 35th birthdays had come ... and gone.

So, how do you meet the man of your dreams when you are 40+?

The Garter Brides urge you to be open to meeting someone new. If you have had disappointments in love in the past, leave them in the past. Look at every date as a new possibility.

Look at finding a mate the way you would look at finding a job. Let all your friends, especially your married friends, know you are actively looking to meet someone.

Remember the perfect partner may not look perfect on paper. Just because he doesn’t match every characteristic on the “list” your hold in your head and your heart doesn’t mean he’s wrong for you. The Garter Brides will tell you that the “morning people” marry the “night people”, the “neat people” marry the “messy people”, the “shy people” marry the “party animals” and somehow it all works out!

Consider blind dates “first dates”. Blind dates have gotten a bad rap over the years, but two of the authors of our book, and many of the other Garter Brides, met their husbands on blind dates so do something fun and give him a chance. Don’t think about marriage, just relax and have a good time and remember nobody’s perfect- even the fabulous you!

Know that happiness is contagious. The powerful, positive energy of happiness radiates to others and is highly attractive so be sure and do things that make you happy. One of the Garter Brides decided to take flying lessons and married her flight instructor!

Be sure and keep the first date just about the two of you. There is no reason to bring up stories about your aging parents, your teenager’s moodiness or to bash your ex. Just have fun and get to know each other. As the Garter Brides always say: “One date can change your life.”

Share your stories with us at Facebook.com/thegarterbrides.

We look forward to learning more about you. And remember: it’s never too late to find true love.

Beauty: Britain Bans L'Oreal Age-Erasing Ads

When Julia Roberts was the Pretty Woman, we were also wearing midriff-baring shirts and skirts that could better be described as big belts. When Christy Turlington was in Duran Duran's 1987 video, we were pretending to be Girls on Film in nightclubs. We all grew up together.

Recently Britain's Advertising Standards Authority banned L'Oreal's ads featuring Roberts and Turlington, saying that the photos of the 40licious women had been too doctored to fall within truth-in-advertising standards. Which reminds me of when Jamie Lee Curtis had a groundbreaking revelation in 2002 about what she really looks like without the Photoshop for a spread in More magazine.

Which makes me wonder if anyone at all really believes an over-the-counter cosmetic product could erase their life lines the megastars wear so beautifully on their faces? Come on, L'Oreal. We weren't born yesterday. Far from it.

Spirit: What Are Your Core Values?

Pat Love

When I mentioned my blog and forthcoming book to my cousin Jo Robinson, who is a rock star in the health and relationship writing arena, she said I absolutely must talk to Pat Love. And she was right, because after we spoke, I realized that the work Love is doing is the lynchpin to what we’re navigating as 40licious women. The aptly-named Love is an expert on relationships and authored many books including “Hot Monogamy” with Jo, and “The Truth About Love.” Her new book, "Never be Lonely Again: the Way Out of Isolation, Emptiness, and a Life Unfulfilled" takes cues from the Dalai Lama and asks readers to address a basic question: “Who am I”?

The next few posts will be pearls of wisdom from my interview with Love. I hope you find them as insightful as I do.

Vanessa: What are you seeing in relationships for women in their 40s?
Pat: It's interesting I just spoke with a group of 40-something group of women on Saturday in a small group, spa setting. It was an exclusive group and they asked me to talk about sex over 40.

V: We love that.
P: So if I had to make some generalizations, I'd would say, in their 40's, women come up for air. At this point, they've launched the activities that involve major tasks in life. If they wanted to have children, they've probably done that, or taken the means to make that happen. They've launched some kind of a job or career or some kind of a work history. They've probably tried a love relationship or two. I think what happens in your 40's is you become consciously aware that "I'm a person too" and you start asking the question, "Who am I?"

In fact I had a woman in my office just yesterday, a couple, actually, and she was just approaching 40. And I asked a question, "What are your core values?" In other words, "When you're dead and gone, how do you want the people you love to remember you: your children, your friends," and she teared up and she couldn't answer the question. It's a very thought-provoking question.

To be honest with you, I'm not sure I had a conscious thought 'til I was close to 40. But somehow, and maybe this is projection, because of the biological imperative that's built into our bodies, 40-something is the first time you might get to think about yourself, and I think that's a major life task of your 40's. And I think that's a major life task of your 40s. And so I don't know if that's an answer that you're seeing. To think about yourself might be, "Well, I'm not really interested in sex, and why should I have sex if I'd don't feel like having sex, and yet, it's a deal-breaker with my partner, OK, I've gotta figure out a way to feel sexier and more motivated," or, "You know what? I'm tired of working for somebody, I want to work for myself," or "Now that I have my teenagers at least I have part of my day" if it's a stay at home mom, "I can do something, and maybe this is the time I'll go back to school, or whatever feels right."

PLEASE COMMENT: What are your core values? What actions do you take to demonstrate your personal "brand" to the world?

Money: How to Land on Your Feet When You're out of Work

Today's Q & A is with Lisa Beck, the national strategy officer for Fresh Start Women's Foundation. The organization is dedicated to helping women in transition.

1. What is Fresh Start and how did it begin?
Sisters Pat Petznick and Beverly Stewart wanted to help women who, like their grandmother, suddenly became the sole support of their families. So in 1992, they started a non-profit organization in Phoenix called Fresh Start Women’s Foundation. Aiming to empower women to transform their lives through engagement and education, they created the first comprehensive self-help center for women in the country. And it has been quite a success. Fresh Start has helped more than 200,000 women through career changes, divorce, new financial plans and other life transitions.

In March 2011, Fresh Start launched a new national website to offer women around the country these same resources. Through www.wehelpwomen.com, women can now take interactive e-learning courses on career, finance and personal development.

2. It's heartbreaking to have to start over in a job or relationship when you're in your 40s. What's the first step after chocolate and wine?
The first step would be to reach out for support. There are people and organizations such as ours that can help get you back on your feet financially, professionally and personally.

3. What's the most important thing a woman in her 40s should know about looking for a new job?
There is a new world of work out there. The concept of “go to college, find a good job and stay there until retirement” really no longer applies. One of our career e-courses titled Career Invention shows women how to take advantage of the new opportunities the modern-day work environment offers.

4. How can you act confident when it seems like every answer is always "no"?
One of the most important rules in this new work environment is “Work Has Many Unexpected Forms.” There are many new opportunities to make money. So if you don’t land the job in the corporate world right away, consider turning a hobby into an online business. With modern-day tools, you can get a business up and running quickly and with little to no overhead. (Our Career Invention e-course can show you how.)

5. Can you tell us a success story about a Fresh Start member?
Ann DeWolf was a 51-year-old divorcee stuck in the humdrum of administrative work for more than six years. Wishing to go back to her love of sales, the fear of failure kept her from pursuing her dream.

Seeking guidance in her career change, Ann came to Fresh Start, and what she learned truly changed her life.

Not only did Fresh Start give her the necessary tools and knowledge but a new-found perspective on how to find the right career for her. The career courses helped her create a vision and the strategies to achieve her goals. She learned interview techniques, how to highlight her skills and gained the confidence to apply for positions she may never have considered before.

A residential resale representative for the no. 1 security company in America, Ann now has an exciting career that challenges her every day.